AIBU to think I’m not being too sensitive, and he’s being mean?

[AmItoosensitive123]

Am I being too sensitive, or is my partner being mean?

Please be gentle with your replies, I am feeling delicate today.

We’ve been together 10 years, both early 30s and have a little one. Our relationship is by no means perfect and we have our disagreements, but recently I’ve felt more deflated than usual.

My partner seems to make criticisms of me, and it’s wearing me down. At this point, I don’t even think he likes me, let alone loves me.

Examples are:

• Comments about the cleanliness of the house but then says it’s banter when I react to it and claims I can’t have a laugh or take a joke.

• When I dish up food, he has made comments about “being on rations” when his portion isn’t as big as he would like it. He says this in jest but I know he means it deep down.

• Says I’m too sensitive, I take everything to heart, not everything is about me or the world doesn’t revolve around me (when I ask if I’ve annoyed him) I just always feel like I’m to blame for his behaviour.

• Says that I can’t take no for an answer when I question something and brings it back to my childhood. Says I was “spoilt” and never told no as a child. Claims I still have tantrums as an adult.

• Asks me why I go on about the same thing, when I bring up how I’m feeling/ about our relationship. Says that it’s boring and do I have nothing else to talk about.

• Jokes about saying that I’m broken goods as I’m adopted but passes it off as banter.

• Says I’m miserable to come home to, but it’s often cos I feel that I’m stuck in a rut and I tell him how I feel but never takes anything onboard.

• Says that he can do what he wants, and that I’m not in control of him when I ask him to get home at a reasonable time. He tells me he will be in by a certain time and never keep to it. Says that he rarely goes out so he can have a blow out now and then. I encourage him to go out and have a good time with mates, but all I ask for is a bit of respect to let me know when he’s going to be home and if he says a certain time, to actually get home for that time.

• Asks me why I haven’t left if the relationship is as bad as I make it out to be.

• Never ever compliments me, unless I say “do you think I look nice” or “does this look okay?”.

• When I ask for a photo of us he moans about it and says that he doesn’t like photos.

• Will never ever apologise for making me cry from insensitive comments. He says that he will apologise if he feels that he’s is the wrong. I can count on one hand when he’s actually apologised off his own back.

• Says that I’m difficult to live with because I blow hot and cold.

• Leaves all the weekend planning to me, anything I suggest he says is boring or we did it the weekend before. But then comes up with nothing himself.

• If I get emotional during an argument he says “stop feeling sorry for yourself”

• When I recall things that he has said in the past he says I twist his words.

If I speak to my friends about our relationship he questions why I’m doing that and says that I don’t tell the full story or I make him out the be the bad person, which I don’t. I try to give a view of both sides.

I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. I retaliate and in the anger I’ve called him names. This comes from frustration of him promising to do better and nothing changing.

I feel everything is my fault. I feel that I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, and I don’t feel he’s happy when he is making these comments. I apologise all the time, even when I’m not wrong. I do own when I am wrong and I admit it.

I feel really confused in my brain. I don’t know if I am the problem. I don’t know how to react to things anymore in fear of being told I’m overreacting or being too sensitive. I cannot be myself or express myself in fear of criticism.

On top of this, I am poorly at the moment with a long term illness which my partner has no sympathy.

Am I being too sensitive? Is it just banter?

Oh love. I just want to give you a cuddle.

Of course re venue can be nice now and again, no one would stay with abusers if they were horrid all the time. Look up the nice/nasty cycle

@Americano75 I think that’s what I need right now. I am such a shell of myself. Had a lot going on the past 2 years so I am just extremely sad.

@FictionalCharacter its not always been as bad as recently. I think I’ve made comments about myself being adopted that may be he thinks that’s okay? I’m not sure. my boundaries are not clear, clearly

Who gives a f how he's feeling?
He doesn't care how you're feeling!

You're not his support human as they say here on MN

He can feel however he wants. You can decide you don't like his behaviour (the broken goods comment is disgusting) and you can leave. How he feels is not your problem to solve

He doesn't love you, OP. You don't need this man. You don't need any man. And if you did want one, there are literally millions out there who understand that fundamentally, if you love someone, you don't keep doing or saying things that you know upset them. This man doesn't. Please, please, please don't stay with him, your daughter will grow up thinking its normal and if she ends up with a man like this you will never forgive yourself.

No, he doesn't think it's OK. Nobody thinks that's OK. He's just a cruel man who enjoys hurting you. I hope you can get away from this awful relationship and have a happier life.

(Having little self-esteem doesn't mean you have little worth OP.)

He's toying with your insecurities. The 'broken' comment is unforgivable imo, just one step too far.
I feel really sad that this is what you have come to expect from your life-partner; pushing you down, probably to make himself feel bigger?

I got out of a similar relationship when DD was little, I did it for her, I certainly didn't have enough self-respect to do it just for myself. I simply refused to let her assimilate these dynamics as normal. I was scared of the repercussions on her own self-respect and confidence and that gave me the impetus.
Of course, best thing I ever did, never regretted it. Once your out you wonder why you stayed so long.
Sorry OP. For you

I thought this too to be honest.

This gives you an overall feel for what domestic abuse looks like. Have a read and see whether you feel it’s relevant for you.

It’s not humour, it’s bullying. It’s funny at all, in any level. You partner is unkind to you, stop letting him and walk away.

Not even got far into the op... he's an abusive twat, ltb.

My daughter is adopted. If anyone called her broken goods because of it I would fucking kill them. That is despicable. Please leave him before your Dd thinks this is a 'normal' relationship. You are worth more than this

I don’t want to leave, I want to help him. I want us to work. I don’t want our little one growing up in separate homes. Her happiness is the main thing for me.

If you really want to do what's best for your DD, don't allow her to grow up in a house where you are diminished, disrespected and gaslit. He is not going to change.

Please consider showing your DD a strong, happy Mummy, even if that means living in separate houses to her Dad.

If I speak to my friends about our relationship he questions why I’m doing that and says that I don’t tell the full story or I make him out the be the bad person, which I don’t. I try to give a view of both sides.

Mumsnetters can only give you advise here based off your side of things because you have definitely not given his side of things here.

Some of the points you have made are minor but all together it paints a pretty horrible picture of a rather unkind man.

But like I said, this is just your side of things, and I’m sure he sees things differently. I would suggest you try couples therapy if you want to work on your relationship. If you don’t or he won’t try couples therapy then you should leave him. What you’ve written paints a pretty depressive picture, how could you ever be happy when you feel this way?

• Jokes about saying that I’m broken goods as I’m adopted but passes it off as banter.

I only got as far as this. He's fucking vile my love.

Disagree. After everything in OP's post, what could he possibly bring to the table that would make him palatable?
How do you get to behave like he does and be a decent husband and father?

Humour has to be witty and /or funny. This is neither. I would not stay with anyone who called me broken goods, full stop. He is the one with a warped view, not you,

Absolutely. That's shocking. He's a cruel bastard.

It's not banter. The comments relating to your adoption are unforgivable alone. Please leave, sounds as if he's grinding you down.

Broken goods? The nasty twat. Who says that to anyone let alone the person they are meant to love.

The only way his sense of humour is different is that it's cruel and not at all funny. I went through this with my mum and it took years for me to realise she was actually abusive and I wasn't in the wrong.leave him as he will never change.

I came on to say the exact same thing. I would fucking murder any man who said that or anything even approaching that to my DD. Even without the rest of his nasty belittling disrespectful bullshit, that comment alone is over the line. You deserve better OP.

What would you say if your little one was coming back from nursery or school saying that their best friend is constantly saying horrible things to them. Personal things about their background and criticising everything they're doing. Telling them their pictures and writing are rubbish.

You tell your child to tell their friend that its not a very kind thing to say and that it's making your child upset.

The friend then calls your child a big cry baby and tells your child it was just a joke anyway.

When this happens enough times that your child asks their friend if they actually still want to be friends, because they keep falling out so often, the friend calls your child is boring and annoying and they need to talk stopping about themselves.

What would you advise your child? Would you really think your child was being too sensitive? As I think most people would think their friend was being a nasty little shit and trying to mess with your child's head, and you'd be telling your child this friend was toxic and to stay away.

Your husband is toxic, and its not your fault, and you can't change him.

No, this is abuse.

He doesn't like you. He has no respect for you. What he's doing is verbal abuse, which will have a horrible effect on you. It has already left you miserable and confused.

Any time someone won't apologise, keeps on hurting you, and says the problem is you're too sensitive, you know that person has no intention of changing, doesn't care about you at all, and the relationship is dead.

He has checked out of the relationship. He doesn't want photos of you as a couple because that reminds him you're a couple.

Make plans to leave.