To ask what your lightbulb 💡 epiphany moment was?

[DelusionalBrilliance]

In regards to anything, as long as it was big or life changing! A moment where something suddenly hit you and made a realisation, something that forced you to make changes or think about it differently?

Today I got talking with a few friends and they had all had at least one of these moments and it dawned on me I’d never actually had a life changing thunder clap of a moment where something clicked, either I’m boring or dead inside I think.

YANBU - I’ve never had one either
YABU - I’ve had them / several

Excellent responses. Mine is:
Oh I don’t think we’ll go down that road!

Two for me.

Aged 20. In my 1st serious relationship after I'd reluctantly had an a abortion (at his insistence) in order to keep the relationship going as he wasn't ready for children. Me crying when I saw a baby in a pram just a week after and him telling me to 'just get on with it as that's what women do'. At that instant I knew that the relationship was over and that I'd made a huge mistake. He was so cold and heartless. I fell out of love with him instantly.

The second was in therapy when my therapist helped me to the revelation that my mother was never going to be the mother that I want and need and that the only thing I can do is to reset what I expect of her so that I'm not constantly disappointed. Hard but it helped. I now believe that she's on the spectrum somewhere and completely unable to connect or empathise properly. Luckily she's kind at heart and not malicious, just not 'there' properly when I need her.

Mine was when I was busting a gut as a Uni lecturer part-time and being a SAHM part-time I felt like I was failing at both and expecting to behave like I was full time at both. I realised my children will only be little once, they will only grow up once and they will only be this age once and I was missing it. So I quit my career and got a job which wasn’t so demanding and spent time with them. Not sure yet if I’ll regret it when they are grown but at the moment I am enjoying all the moments.

That the house we bought last year (so been here just over a year) doesn’t have to be our forever home and that we can move again.

I was really set on it being our forever home, but after living here a year it just really isn’t :( and I think I’d tried to convince myself it was when it really isn’t :( :( but that’s ok cuz we can move again

I dealt with drama for YEARS from someone (a ‘friend’) Real issues and wondered what on earth was wrong with me that I kept upsetting her, causing her anxiety, causing her panic attacks. At one point we even had mediation.

the final time it happened I called the psychotherapist who had facilitated the mediation a couple of years earlier and said ‘I don’t know what to do,’ and she told me ‘I believe this person has a personality disorder, from the tiny bit I saw of them during that mediation, and the best thing you can do for you and your family is to totally disengage.’

It was so affirming and freeing to get myself out of that scenario and I’ve had no drama since!

When I was being bullied at work I thought it was me . Then I realised if it wasn't me then it would have been someone else. They bullied people out before me they bullied people out after I left .

Abusive ex, nothing physical but emotional / co-ercive. His style was to furiously accuse me of doing something wrong, and then to keep laying into me aggressively about why I'd done it, how disrespectful it was, how angry he was, demanding an apology, how was I going to make it better, and so on. If I tried to defend myself, he go harder, often telling me loudly and angrily that he wasn't angry, he was just 'trying to understand' (reader, he was not). Most of the time, what he was whaling on me about was subjective - that I'd hurt his friend's feelings, that I didn't take the recycling out enough, and so on. I knew something was off - he was often messier than I was - but I had it ground into me by his certainty and anger that I was the problem; also he always told me that he knew me better than anyone else so of course he was right.

A while after we separated, we had to meet to sort out some practical stuff. Very objective stuff - numbers, paper trail, and it was all stuff I knew by heart. He got angry again with me about part of it and started up in the usual way, jabbing his finger at me, speaking forcefully, except this time it didn't work. He'd never heard of this thing - except I had an email trail showing he'd heard of it 2 years ago; well yeah, but we couldn't have spent the money on that - except here were the actual receipts. He was just trying to understand - understand what, everything's already here in writing. And suddenly I realised - he wasn't right. He'd never been right. I'd mistaken his force and certainty for being right, but it was just bullshit and bluster. It was incredible. It was like seeing in colour, or realising that the people in films are just actors.

I'd already had a bunch of smaller epiphanies since we split about how I'd always been stressed and walking on eggshells in his company, how much he'd lied to me whilst we were together. I still get anxious and a pounding heart when I see his name. But that was a proper 'man behind the curtain' moment which has gone a long way to helping me move on.

This is not as life changing as many other posts but was still quite profound for me.

I had a very close friend for years. I would have said we were best friends... or more that she was my best friend but i was not hers as she has many friends.

She fell out with me when we decided to put our older DS into a private school. He has SEN and LDs and my labour was very badly mismanaged which resulted in a birth injury for him (and me) and he was deprived of oxygen and had to be resuscitated. He is 14 and operates at the level currently of a 9 year old. Every day is a bit of a struggle.

He is in a private school because that is the school that deals with his needs best. Perfectly in fact. he has been there since he was aged 4 and he is not thriving as such- but he is achieveing more than we could imagine.

My friend is very anti private schooling. She has no children and no skin in the game but she is very very anti private education. To be clear- it is unlikely DS will ever pass GSCEs or go to uni. He adores cats and his only wish is to live in an apartment with cats. When we put him in a private school my friend sent me a range of quite nasty e-mails and messages mainly ariound how we were elitist and Tory bastards. I was desperately hurt and tried to fix the friendship for 2 years.

DS is 14 now. Friend has not spoken to me properly for now 8 years. Then a few weeks ago she out of the blue invited me to her 60th. She sent a text about 'water under the bridge'.

I thought about this for about 48 hours. Then sent her best wishes but explained we were away for the weekend. We were not. We were not away at all, but after I sent the message |I thought why the fuck not and booked us for a long weekend in Jersey.

So what I learned.... that people can treat you badly and they can get fucked. And if they ever (sort of) ask for forgiveness- you don't have to forgive them. And if they ask you to attend something not only can you not attend, but you can do something ever so much better.

@scoobydoo1971
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Best wishes.

Today when I realised I can make “skin-on” roast potatoes on Christmas Day - no time wasted peeling them!

Wonderful thread. I've had a few, but I learnt a very hard lesson a few years ago when I realised some people were more important to me than I was to them. I'm a work in progress but it started a massive process of re-evaluation of boundaries and decision making. I have spent too long chasing other people and trying too hard to be amenable/dependable/likeable. I have worth as I am.and don't need to chase others when it isn't reciprocal. I am.now in a period of settling where I am allowing the genuine friendships to reveal themselves by a 2 way effort and being open to new relationships. I think it is much, much healthier.

@ManonDe what an unpleasant person-

Reading the book ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ & realising the time & energy I’d wasted on relationships that clearly weren’t going anywhere & the excuses I’d made for/ accepted from the other persons.

In a related vein it suddenly dawning on me that the ex I’d been fretting over for years & who I considered the one that got away, very probably didn’t even like me all that much (based on his behaviour towards me that I’d always made excuses for).

Realising in relation to the above that my mother was right. She said always notice not what a man says to you but how he behaves! Goes for women friends too of course

@ManonDe her that is- not you!!'

When my ex said to our DS who was weeks old that boys don't cried. I realised in that moment I needed to leave this abusive man for mine and my DS sake. I told a domestic abuse charity and was in a women's refuge for 6 months with a young baby. Best decision leaving my ex all those years ago.

Another one was quitting my job in the pandemic to follow a passion of mine. I signed up for Uni and studied a subject that I loved. I now have a completely new career. One that is so much more fulfilling than my old one.

Another one was whilst having counselling a few years ago that the reason the way I am and have had failed relationships is because of my childhood and upbringing. It was like a light bulb and it all made sense.

One other was when I was diagnosed with ADHD whilst at Uni. I finally felt like i wasn't odd and there was a reason for why I do certain things and the pressure I had on myself was lifted. It's changed my self esteem now I know how to manage myself better

When I was 19 and after going through a stressful experience I realised how useful it is to try and stay positive. I can remember thinking to my 19 year old self I needed to keep a ‘smile in my heart’ x

Would you mind sharing the book? Sounds like something I could do with reading!

When I realised that I would never be awarded the promotion because I was already doing the work of the senior position without being paid, as part of my “development plan” 🙄 I think they liked having me in as the support for the senior, so effectively having two seniors instead of a senior and a junior. After being passed over yet again, I decided to go for a career change. After one interview where the interviewers were blown away with my experience I got the job, handed in my notice, and a few years later earn nearly 3 times what I earned in my old role and work less hours!

Would you mind sharing the book? Sounds like something I need to read!

a few:

Waking up, 3 years into a relationship, locked in the toilet staring at the u bend having been knocked out and thinking 'what the FUCK are you doing with this man' - I packed his stuff the next day and left it outside the door.

Realising my parenting was part of the problem in our home and changing it - saved all of us from continuing a stressful cycle of behaviour.

As someone else said - getting to 50 and realising I didn;t give a shit what anyone thought any more - very liberating

Going NC with narc mum, I should have done it 40 years ago. Once you see the patterns of behavior you can't unsee it. Then realizing there was a covert narc in the support group, using it for narc supply, absolute bummer.

My happiest epiphany was reading the Celestine prophecy 10 years ago, enjoyable book but affected me. I realized how hard myself and husband worked, our own company, we earned very good money just to spend on travel, buy endless stuff, new cars every year. We immediately semi retired at 50, increased our prices, only work 5-6 months a year, down sized in UK, got a 2nd home with land abroad, much happier, less stressed and lot less stuff. It was scary at first but best thing we ever did.

Great book another life changing one for me

Mine seems very obvious but hit me like an absolute tonne of bricks and that is that you only get one life

I was diagnosed completely out of the blue in my 30s with a life changing and potentially life limiting illness. I was completely out of my mind about it and struggled to comprehend what this would mean to me and my family

I woke up one morning shortly after being diagnosed in that-in between dream and awake-state. And I thought 'oh well, when I start my life over, I'll know about this and can act earlier to stop it before it gets so life changing'. Almost as if life was a video game with a number of 'lives'. And I suddenly realised this was real life, not a dream and I couldn't start over or make changes to the past. One life...time moves in one direction and once something big hits, there are no take backs

Again, seems so obvious but I think until it happens to you, this big things can seem really unreal and something that happens to other people

I realised that the people disliking my fatness were not the kind of people I wanted in my life. I stopped worrying what they thought. They weren't worried about my health at all,.they literally hate fatness and think fat people like me shouldn't exist waves to all those on Mumsnet So now I live my life unapologetically and workout and have treatment for a fat disorder and still look like the before photo and am healthy in every way that counts.

I say "The only thing you have to do in life is breathe. Everything else is a choice with consequences." There is no "Have to" in life. It's "I have to do X or Y will happen". I remember realising that at the age of 20.

That work is just that. Work. Go to work, do what you're paid to do to the best of your ability, go home and switch off. You owe your employer as much loyalty as you'd get from them.