To ask what your lightbulb 💡 epiphany moment was?

[DelusionalBrilliance]

In regards to anything, as long as it was big or life changing! A moment where something suddenly hit you and made a realisation, something that forced you to make changes or think about it differently?

Today I got talking with a few friends and they had all had at least one of these moments and it dawned on me I’d never actually had a life changing thunder clap of a moment where something clicked, either I’m boring or dead inside I think.

YANBU - I’ve never had one either
YABU - I’ve had them / several

Sorry, I don’t think I follow... what did you previously think would ruin it?

What's an almond mum?

Thank you. It actually took me another 30 years and many incidents like this to go no contact with her. I then discovered an article on narcissistic mothers that was another light bulb moment.

I sent the article to my brothers who had already gone NC because she was so awful to their wives. It's given us all peace now.

How did you guess? 21 years free now!

You have never been told that if you eat too much, or eat the wrong thing (often anything containing fat), after a workout then you have ruined it and negated the benefits? Well done!

Hell, I have been told that twice, in the last quarter!

There is a very strong belief in diet culture that exercise can be bad as it 'makes you hungry'. I was told this more than once at Weight Watchers meetings.

An almond mum is a mother who responds to any suggestion of hunger, either by themselves or others with the proposal they eat a few almonds.

Oh my god, I think you are me! I've had exactly these realisations.

The work one was a particular bummer.

Same here - I must have been 40 when I realised I'd never be good enough for my parents (or brothers, who were raised to see me as responsible for everyone's problems) and that there was no point even trying. I wouldn't single out one of my DC to be treated like that, so why would I care about the opinion of people who think that's an acceptable way to behave?

Another one: I can indeed accomplish goals that everyone around me scoffs at and deems impossible. They probably don't really think it's impossible, they just want to keep me in my place so they have somebody to look down on. Succeeding requires ruthless prioritizing and elimination of unimportant things and of naysaying busybodies!

Ah, I see.

But actually, eating a few almonds does work!

In my thirties I made a sideways step into a new department at work. It was something I'd wanted to do for several years and I was lucky to get the job as that department didn't recruit very often. It was a technical role so I had a lot to learn. The team was dominated by a group of older blokes who weren't particularly welcoming and didn't like change. I felt like I needed to impress them, to be accepted. At best, I was tolerated. Lots of subtle digs, eye rolls, comments about my background etc. One of them said outright that it wasn't a job for women. I was listening to The Stone Roses on the way into work one day and just smiled to myself at one line..."kiss me where the sun don't shine, the past was yours but the future's mine". Stopped giving a shit what they thought, worrying about treading on their toes etc. That song still makes me smile now, years later. I'm a senior in that role now and most of them have been managed out.

A few, over the years.

Before putting yourself out for someone, consider if they would do the same for you.

That to communicate, you actually have to clearly express yourself. Things don't just magically resolve while you passively watch.

Throwing away old photos and letters with negative memories.

That you can buy new things (similar to the scissors post above, mine was a frying pan, hadn't occurred to me just to buy a new one).

That you don't have to 'feel the fear' and do stuff that is really outside your zone. things you are neutral or good at, sure, expand what you can do. Bad at it? Try it, but then let it go and concentrate on the things you can enjoy and excel at. Forcing myself to social events never led to anything positive for me, now I just don't do it if I don't want to.

That I'm probably ND and that led me to being academically high achieving but it not reflecting in my career. Also effects on romantic relationships. Realising that I'm not stupid or unloveable, I just have ways to move forward in life that are not necessarily typical, because of these traits.

That most people are just looking out for themselves… if you find someone who looks out for you then hold them close.

After I stopped drinking alcohol I went to a work party where people were slowly getting drunk, and I suddenly realised how incredibly tedious people are after a few drinks. The same repeated jokes and stories, people getting too emotional, or thinking something is hilarious when it isn't. I was glad to go home.

Being properly present for kids

@Evilcold have you got any tips? I’ve been thinking for several months I need to be more present and then I click on this thread and see your post! Please give me some tips.

I experienced sexism at work, was telling a man about it and he just completely dismissed it. I was telling a female colleague about that, and then I said omg this is what it's like for ethnic minorities when they try and tell white people about racism.

That if I wanted to make sure my children would be safe in the long term from their dad's abuse and manipulations, I needed to say that I didn't think they should see him. We had been separated for a good while and were in a court case over access, but until then I wasn't been able to say out loud that I thought he should't see them at all. I was worried about what people around me would think, since not seeing the DC would mean he could get deported. And I was worried about the children blaming me later for not having a relationship with him/him being sent back to a horrible place. One morning I had this clear realisation that there was no way in which he could keep seeing them (even supervised) without them being hurt. So I decided to accept the role of bad guy and took a hardline position on contact, even to the shock of my lawyer I think. To me, though, it seemed a reasonable price to pay since I decided to have children with him to begin with. Fwiw, it's been close to ten years and he was not deported.

Realising (in my late 30s) that I didn't need to engage with my mother on her terms- I could set my own. She was a dominant and argumentative woman who liked to get her own way. One day she made a provocative statement, designed to start a row with me, and it suddenly occured to me that I didn't need to join in.

I just asked calmly "You know we disagree on this, is there anything I could say that would change your mind?" She firmly said "No" so I said "Likewise, so there's no point discussing it" and carried on with what I was doing. She looked gobsmacked.

Didn't stop her trying it on again but the dynamics had shifted permanently.

During a call with my mother
It was like the penny dropped as I listened to her total self obsession and dis-interest. I realised that it’s not my job to appease other people and have been more or less no contact since.
Thst realisation that I’m not responsible for others emotions came later in life than it should have but has positively impacted me in so many ways

Realising just how much we were paying out each month on

• old credit cards
• car finance
• house improvement loans
• buy now pay later

I'd come to accept them as just another bill, and was struggling to see why, despite climbing the career ladder, we never seemed to be any better off and couldnt afford luxuries like holidays. Big expenses blindsided us every time and went straight on the credit card. Between a mixture of these, it was in the region of £1000 each month. I was absolutely staggered.

We're now aggressively paying down our debts and looking forward to a time in the not so distant future when that money can go towards what we actually value. I take a huge amount of pleasure in throwing as much as I can at these debts and closing the accounts one by one.

God that takes me back, it was about 10 years ago for me. But the Mulberry bag comparing/ house renovation competing/ forced laughing of the school mums on nights out still gives me shivers. I got out of as many “ socials” as I could and I’m so glad I don’t have to bother anymore .

I have a few.

1. Anger is a masking emotion. What is it hiding? It hides shame, fear, guilt etc. I wish I'd known that sooner. It's mad me lighter. I stop and ask myself why I'm angry.
2. Some siblings take on the protector role and never stop. We need to stop. Having a baby brother who is in his 40s means he doesn't need protection / smothering / no responsibilities.
3. No is a complete sentence.
4. Being told that my ex was likely autistic. It made everything make sense.
5. Social media is fucking toxic.

That if you ignore all the negative messaging, the dire warnings of invisibility and irrelevance and ugliness, and the instructions to stay in the shadows (because you're invisible and irrelevant and ugly don't you know?) Being an older woman is fabulous.
Looked after properly with diet and excercise, a vintage face and body can be just as lovely, if not more so than your youthful one. You can be fun, energetic, attractive and engaging with a big dollop of wisdom thrown in.
Young people will not automatically despise and dismiss you. A lot of the things you experienced first hand are iconic to them and provided you own who you are with pride rather than try to be like them, they often think you're rather cool.

See people say stuff like this, my epiphany is the opposite.

Its is worrying about stuff that causes me to take action to stop said worrying thing from happening.

Its when I decided to ignore the worry and reasons it was based on, telling myself ' oh you are such a worrier, stop worrying' that my whole life turned to crap.

Listen to your worry and steward it well, is my motto.

And this.

I know some people turn to God or a belief in trusting the Universe etc, but for me its really important for me to know that I don't have to wait for a saviour or sign or fortune, I just have to sort it myself.