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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about being left out

27 replies

Hillwalker · 15/12/2023 16:34

I moved to this village 3 years ago and, despite being very shy, have worked hard to fit in, joining things and helping out with a couple of groups. I finally got into a book group, having been told they were all full, and felt like I had found a group of people I really liked and got on with. We were due to meet next week but the host cancelled because a few people couldn’t make it. It was a Christmas meeting and we’d all bought books for Secret Santa etc. She said she’ll host in January instead. I will be away then but everyone else can make it so that’s when it is. She said she was cancelling the Christmas meeting because she wanted everyone to be there - but I won’t be there in January. I feel the Dec meeting should have gone ahead anyway and those who couldn’t make it just couldn’t make it. Many times before, a few have not made it to a meeting. I was really looking forward to it. I just feel kicked in the teeth.

OP posts:
snatchabook · 15/12/2023 17:07

Ah I can see why you're hurt OP, especially as you've worked quite hard to be social. But it really doesn't sound personal. It sounds like more people couldn't make the December meet-up but only one person (you) can't make the January one. So it makes sense to do the date that more people can attend. Plus from the organiser's point of view, she's already rearranged once and she can't keep going until literally every person can attend. Honestly, I do understand and I'd feel the same as you, but as an outsider it's easy to see you're being a bit oversensitive (as I'm prone to be!).

Frasers · 15/12/2023 17:10

That’s a bit of an extreme reaction. Kicked in the teeth? Sounds like it’s more people can’t make dec, so Jan makes more sense. Try to calm down, you will be at the one after.

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 17:13

You’re being whiny, in the nicest possible way, OP. No single date will suit everyone. Several people couldn’t make the December date, all but one can make the January one. It’s not personal.

MistyCoco · 15/12/2023 17:14

It won’t be personal. If you know some people are free on the original date just message the group and ask if anyone wants to come to yours for a glass of wine that night instead. If they can’t come that won’t be personal either. People are generally a bit flakey, busy and self-centred at the moment.

Amberjane41 · 15/12/2023 17:16

It’s probably absolutely nothing to do with you and more likely that the host is very busy over Xmas like we all are and was probably relieved when a few people dropped out so she could cancel. Could you offer to host instead?

TerrysChocolateOrange · 15/12/2023 17:18

I have a spare grip if you would like to borrow it. 🙄

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 17:23

You're massively overthinking this.

This clearly isn't a deliberate snub and you shouldn't be taking it as one. The organiser will just have looked at the numbers and realised that there wouldn't be enough people on the December date to make it worth her while. If you are the only one who can't make January, it makes sense to go with the date that most people can do, rather than the date that you happen to be able to do.

Also, when she suggested the January date, did she even know at that stage that you couldn't go?

You need some perspective here. This is a book group, not your immediate family. You aren't being 'left out'; you simply can't make it that week. That's all. Nothing more.

SandboxSalsa · 15/12/2023 17:26

I reckon also quite possible she wanted an excuse to cancel due to her own Christmas busyness and took it. I know it’s horrible to feel like this but it’s almost certainly not personal.

Original poster
Hillwalker · 15/12/2023 17:26

That’s my point - you can’t keep rearranging until everyone can come so why not just stick to the original date? Currently, everyone but me can make January but by then several will have dropped out! They’re now all messaging to say ‘look forward to seeing everybody in January’ which doesn’t help! I’ll send them a photo of myself on the beach down under on the day!

OP posts:
HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 17:26

MistyCoco · 15/12/2023 17:14

It won’t be personal. If you know some people are free on the original date just message the group and ask if anyone wants to come to yours for a glass of wine that night instead. If they can’t come that won’t be personal either. People are generally a bit flakey, busy and self-centred at the moment.

That’s a good idea. OP, offer to have a casual glass of wine at yours as an interim thing for anyone still free on the original date.

Frasers · 15/12/2023 17:27

Agree you’re not being left out. You simply can’t make a scheduled meeting as you have other plans. You can go to the next one.

I understand this social event is very important to you. But the organiser probably doesn’t realise to what extent. Simoly they have went with a date that the most can go to. This is normal and correct way ro organise .

Frasers · 15/12/2023 17:27

Hillwalker · 15/12/2023 17:26

That’s my point - you can’t keep rearranging until everyone can come so why not just stick to the original date? Currently, everyone but me can make January but by then several will have dropped out! They’re now all messaging to say ‘look forward to seeing everybody in January’ which doesn’t help! I’ll send them a photo of myself on the beach down under on the day!

Because several can’t make dec. only one can’t make Jan.

please don’t move to being passive aggressive. They will stop inviting you.

bestbefore · 15/12/2023 17:29

Just message and say who fancies a drink in the pub on the original date?

OllieCollieWoo · 15/12/2023 17:30

It's not personal.
December is a nightmare month. The host may have many reasons you are not aware of why they want to re-arrange to Jan.

It is unfortunate you are not available in Jan but the host makes the final call on it because they the host, they do the sorting out, get in the coffee/tea/wine/nibbles/wash up etc. and they know they cannot please everyone.

Original poster
Hillwalker · 15/12/2023 17:31

Yes, I think I’ll do that. Good idea.

OP posts:
OllieCollieWoo · 15/12/2023 17:31

Don't be an arse and send passive aggressive photos

Sparklesocks · 15/12/2023 17:31

I think you’re interpreting it as a snub but it doesn’t seem that way, December is a busy time so it can be difficult to get people together and if multiple people can’t make it then it makes sense to call it off.

Maybe you could message the group saying if anyone is around on the original date and wants to go out for a mulled wine or something.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 15/12/2023 17:31

It’s purely for maximum numbers. You’re being unreasonable to view it as a kick in the teeth when you are invited - you just happen to be the only one who can’t go. You’re implying you’ll be on a beach holiday in Australia instead - how are you upset at missing out?! I’d cancel if a certain number couldn’t make a meet up but if all but one can’t then I wouldn’t.

Frasers · 15/12/2023 17:36

Hillwalker · 15/12/2023 17:31

Yes, I think I’ll do that. Good idea.

Will you be able to handle it if they don’t come?

Doingmybest12 · 15/12/2023 17:50

I'm not saying this is the case here but in any group there are usually some key people , usually not through any fault of their own . They are sometimes just the glue that bonds the group together. Things might be moved if these key people aren't there but not for others. I'm not a key person, that's OK. I think it's just part of group dynamics and you just have to go with it sometimes. Disappointing though it may be. Its not personal , its just a group thing.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 15/12/2023 18:10

Could you organise a Christmas drinks for the people who could make it?

TempName247 · 15/12/2023 18:12

Good idea those who suggested arranging drinks instead

Mercurial123 · 15/12/2023 18:15

You're in Australia in January enjoying the summer while the UK is miserable, and you're upset about the book club?! Enjoy your holiday.

CaroleSinger · 15/12/2023 18:18

So you don't mind if others miss out if they can't make a meeting, but not you?

Holly60 · 15/12/2023 18:18

It will be because the host doesn't really want to host in December and it's convenient to her to say let's rearrange because some people can't make it.

It's not personal at all.

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