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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with this sort of person? Please!

33 replies

jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:41

Ex is difficult. We have a 19 month old. He pays and on time, that’s basically the only thing he gets right. Though I suppose I should say he’s very good with dd and sees her every couple of weeks on average for a day (we do not live close by)

I have tried to get him to organise things so we have a plan of when he will see her. I’ve tried printing a calendar, sharing a calendar on Google docs, tried doing it week by week and saying just let me know before Wednesday if you’ll be up at the weekend… no matter what I do, he will get in touch at the last minute and say he can do Saturday or the Sunday. I often have to change my plans to accommodate this (firstly I want to do that because I think it’s good for dd, she loves seeing him, secondly as I do get a bit of a break so it’s a welcome day, we get on generally).

I know I could simply say no when he leaves it so late but he would then just suggest another day and so on, or plead ignorance and ultimately I then agree to the day for the reasons I’ve just said.

Ive literally sat down with him and spelled out why I need to know in advance and said it upsets me that he doesn’t take this seriously. He says he understands then does the exact same thing? I’ve said it feels disrespectful and said I just want us to be organised etc etc. I don’t know how I can make it any clearer really.

he’s like this with other things like this that are very petty but this is the one that drives me mad. Has anyone had any success dealing with someone like this?

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 15/12/2023 15:42

stop accomodating him, the longer you carry on doing it the more he will still do it

Original poster
jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:44

@chipsandpeas if I said it wasn’t possible he would just say he understood and could we consider the next weekend. And I don’t want to do that for the reasons I said. I just feel I can’t win with him but maybe your way is the only way forward

OP posts:
Muchof · 15/12/2023 15:44

chipsandpeas · 15/12/2023 15:42

stop accomodating him, the longer you carry on doing it the more he will still do it

Yep this. If you keep accommodating him and changing your plans then he is going to carry on.

Original poster
jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:45

Just don’t know why he can’t be a normal decent person

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 15/12/2023 15:45

Just tell him every other weekend on a Saturday ( or Sunday) If he doesn’t make ithe doesnt make it it’s up to him

Anonomom12 · 15/12/2023 15:45

jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:44

@chipsandpeas if I said it wasn’t possible he would just say he understood and could we consider the next weekend. And I don’t want to do that for the reasons I said. I just feel I can’t win with him but maybe your way is the only way forward

Could we consider the next weekend? Yea sure. Saturday or Sunday. I need to know now otherwise no we can’t do the next weekend. And repeat until he gets the message

Original poster
jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:46

@Anonomom12 but dd then risks missing out

OP posts:
Valhalla17 · 15/12/2023 15:46

Sounds like he's just a disorganised person. He won't change.

I would just not accommodate each request. If you've already got plans, then it's a simple "no sorry that doesn't work for me/us".

SutWytTi · 15/12/2023 15:46

Accept he is not going to magically change.

So either you say no when it is not convenient, or you continue as you are.

If you keep accomodating him nothing will change.

Muchof · 15/12/2023 15:47

jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:44

@chipsandpeas if I said it wasn’t possible he would just say he understood and could we consider the next weekend. And I don’t want to do that for the reasons I said. I just feel I can’t win with him but maybe your way is the only way forward

Then you just need to do the same thing again. Tell him yes we can do next weekend, agree the plans and don’t change. Nothing else is going to work, if it means that they skip a few weeks then that is short term collateral damage but long term it should improve contact.

IncompleteSenten · 15/12/2023 15:47

Tell him it's going to be a set day going forward. Every other whatever from x to y. She will be made available on that day between those times and he either shows up or he doesn't but the current way is not working so he likes it or lumps it

SutWytTi · 15/12/2023 15:47

jermevto · 15/12/2023 15:45

Just don’t know why he can’t be a normal decent person

Don't waste time with 'why?'

Just accept the facts.

Valhalla17 · 15/12/2023 15:48

If dd is missing out and he cares enough, he will try to be better. But it won't be some overnight miracle (if it happens at all)

5PurpleDinosaurs · 15/12/2023 15:48

He may be disorganised but I bet he manages to keep work commitments or plans with friends. Don’t cater to him. Set your boundaries and stick with them. You can facilitate his relationship with his children but it is up to him to foster it.

Caroparo52 · 15/12/2023 16:03

It's a power game... by holding back his answer knowing it will irritate the life out of you.
State the day and time. Every x or y from a to b.
No bugging him to confirm. No double checking. Nada.
Assume it's going to happen. Don't keep asking or changing agreement.
If he fails to arrive on time or at all then go on with your day with DD. Yes it will be frustrating for you and potentially disappointing for DD but you are training the useless tosser your ex in responsibilities and how to act as a grown up.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
You are facilitating his uselessness by accommodating change.

Phineyj · 15/12/2023 16:05

If he's disorganised, it being the same day and time every week will help.

If it's control or game playing it won't, but it will mean you offered.

Your DD doesn't need a flakey dad who may or may not show up.

Can you imagine..."Oh I might pick you up from school. Or I might not."

Sort it while she's too young to be disappointed.

Sodndashitall · 15/12/2023 16:07

Can you not make a regular slot pr is he a shift worker ? I think it's easier if you just have something planned as a default imho

BIWI · 15/12/2023 16:51

Your 19-month old isn't old enough to realise what the day is - she will just be pleased to see him (hopefully!) whenever he turns up. She also won't realise what the day is. Nor, being realistic, is she going to notice if he misses a week.

You really need to stop pandering to him, because you're allowing him to control you. As the saying goes, 'take back control'!

Original poster
jermevto · 15/12/2023 20:06

So he does work shifts but weekends are not that often. Maybe I will say Sunday from now on unless he says otherwise? I just don’t understand why he makes things so hard? He manages fine at work!

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/12/2023 20:11

Was he at all controlling when you were together? My XH used to be flakey about contact with the children (he later stopped bothering to see them at all) because he thought it would stop me meeting someone else, if I couldn't ever make arrangements to go out and had to drop out of meetings at very short notice.

I tried pinning him down to firm arrangements, but he'd just message and say he couldn't make it at the last minute. As I said, it was preparatory to him moving 300 miles away and refusing to see the children at all, or maybe once a year at best (he didn't pay either!)

Original poster
jermevto · 15/12/2023 20:31

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I don’t think I he was particularly controlling. He was always a bit tricky, arrangements had to always fit with him for various reasons. I can’t imagine he deliberately trying to thwart my plans but maybe he is. I honestly can’t understand why someone wouldn’t just want the easiest and most simple way forward

OP posts:
Elmeux · 15/12/2023 20:44

As annoying as it is now that you have to change your plans to accommodate his short notice, imagine how awful it'll be for you DD when she's older and making g plans with friends or activities that have to change at short notice because he says he's available. Nip it in the bud now, otherwise your DD's relationship will be affected as she gets older and she'll realise he's flaky and she isn't a priority to him

Runaway1 · 15/12/2023 21:09

I would definitely frame the boundaries in terms of your daughter’s needs, not yours, if you can. That’s tricky at this age but perhaps you can point out it won’t be long before she will start to understand what days things happen on. We had a visual calendar with my daughter from when she was about 3 which showed the people and places she went to on particular days and it really helped her manage her feelings of missing particular people as she could see when she would see them.

NotSienna · 15/12/2023 21:16

I would definitely suggest the Sunday like you said. You could say ‘Sunday every other week as a definite. Then if he wants to see her at other times, you can speak with each other and see if you’re free etc. Or just add more definite days like every other weekend for the whole weekend.
if it’s amicable, then if one of you would like to change the definite day, for a genuine reason, then you can ask each other if it’s possible to rearrange. But hopefully with an actual day/s set in stone, you won’t have to change your plans too much.
I would also explain clearly to him that as he’s gets older she may have more commitments herself, like a dance class, birthday parties, friends sleepovers etc. so setting a certain day right now, will help avoid issues further down the line.

Holidayhell22 · 15/12/2023 21:19

Goodness me what an irresponsible man child he is.
I agree with everyone else. Put your foot down, stop pandering to him.
How old us he? 5?

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