How to deal with this sort of person? Please!

[jermevto]

Ex is difficult. We have a 19 month old. He pays and on time, that’s basically the only thing he gets right. Though I suppose I should say he’s very good with dd and sees her every couple of weeks on average for a day (we do not live close by)

I have tried to get him to organise things so we have a plan of when he will see her. I’ve tried printing a calendar, sharing a calendar on Google docs, tried doing it week by week and saying just let me know before Wednesday if you’ll be up at the weekend… no matter what I do, he will get in touch at the last minute and say he can do Saturday or the Sunday. I often have to change my plans to accommodate this (firstly I want to do that because I think it’s good for dd, she loves seeing him, secondly as I do get a bit of a break so it’s a welcome day, we get on generally).

I know I could simply say no when he leaves it so late but he would then just suggest another day and so on, or plead ignorance and ultimately I then agree to the day for the reasons I’ve just said.

Ive literally sat down with him and spelled out why I need to know in advance and said it upsets me that he doesn’t take this seriously. He says he understands then does the exact same thing? I’ve said it feels disrespectful and said I just want us to be organised etc etc. I don’t know how I can make it any clearer really.

he’s like this with other things like this that are very petty but this is the one that drives me mad. Has anyone had any success dealing with someone like this?

Try explaining why it's detrimental to DD. He doesn't care about you or your plans/what makes your life easier etc. so telling him why you want him to do X isn't going to achieve anything. Tell him why his DD needs him to do X and see how much he cares about her.

Outside of that, do what others have suggested and tell him he can have every Sunday. Whether he comes or not is his choice.

He’s controlling you. Whether that’s subconscious or he gets a kick out of it I couldn’t say, but I’m absolutely certain he’s doing this on some level so he still has a part of you that’s dependant on him and what he wants.

I really despise men who do this shit.

He doesn’t sound like she’s controlling or abusive from your description, but he is being unfair and unreasonable. I suggest you do lay down your ground rules before your child understands what’s happening. Nows the moment to set your own boundaries.

Weaponised incompetence, that's why.

If he can't set a recurring date/time/routine, give him one. Every other Saturday 10-6 or something. He misses it, he waits for the next one.

Stop bending over backwards to make him look like a good dad. He is not.

By accommodating his very request, he has no motivation to change as he knows you'll just change your plans to suit him.

My EXDP was exactly the same. Was letting me know a couple of days before a weekend when he had no better offers was available to see the DC initially.

After a couple of months, I said he could see them every other weekend so we could all get into a routine and plan our lives better.

First couple of "my" weekends, he tried to say he was coming to collect them even though I told him we were busy. He actually turned up at my DP's house (we stayed there after the split), despite me saying not to, to find we were out. Luckily I'd told my DP all about his behaviour.

He finally and grudgingly began doing every other weekend when I made it clear dropping in and out was not acceptable for the DC (or my) life.

Your DC is young enough not to notice if he doesn't come due to you trying to establish a routine, so I'd urge you to do it now, rather than down the line.

This was/is my EXDP. He does it to punish me because I left him, plus he has no other way of controlling me (he pays maintenance as I took him to the CMS, but I don't rely on it).

Think about when your DD is older, and starts having play dates and birthday parties etc to go to - how will she feel if you start saying “sorry, I know you were looking forward to going to the cinema with little Maisy, but your Dad has shown up out of the blue so now you have to have to go with him”

Firm boundaries are the only way. He has no motivation to change at the moment because there are no consequences for him, instead it’s you suffering. If he’s not seeing your child when he wants to he may be more motivated to change. Offer him Sunday as a fixed day and don’t allow last minute visits, communicating clearly that he needs to give you plenty of notice. Yes your daughter might miss out on some contact in the short term but in the long term he may be more likely to be a consistent parent who can offer her more of a routine.