To expect my partner to take time off with kids if needed

[workingparentt]

I posted on here a little while ago. My partner and I both work full time and have 3 children. One at school and two at nursery. I work from home, he works in a job in customers houses. Due to his working hours I do all nursery runs, drop offs and pick ups, 5 days a week.

I have also been doing everything else like days off with poorly kids, trips to urgent treatment centres or having them at home with me whilst working if last minute illness. I pick up all extra odd jobs too, e.g. inspections, gas and electric issues, routine Dr appointments for kids, car issues, more recently house viewings as we need to move, the list goes on and it really does.

I was concerned that my employer wouldn't tolerate this inconsistency. Add to it two recent health issues requiring multiple referrals Inc two physio referrals and I'm just struggling to fit everything I do into my days. The general feeling on here was to carry on with me picking all of these bits up as my partner loses approx 450£ for having a day off as he has a £300 pound a month attendance bonus for just being present.

Yesterday I have my year end review and my manager picks me up on this regular absence from my desk and sets my priorities for next year with number 1 being to be more present at meetings and in general. Don't get me wrong, my manager was understanding and very diplomatic but I am mortified and ashamed, I feel like I've taken the p**s. I've never had a bad year end review. I'm devastated.

I've mentioned to my partner that I can no longer keep doing all of these extras and we have to work something out moving forward and we have had a huge explosive row. He can't afford his outgoings if he loses that £450 but I'm being told by my employer that they won't tolerate it either. I love my job, they are really amazing employer, I've studied for a degree as a mature student to work in my field, I won't get another employer who will match either my terms or salary but I also can't afford to give him £300 if he supports me with this stuff. He can't book leave unless more than 6 weeks in advance. AIBU and what do I do please, any suggestions welcome. Because I work from home I know I need to be the one who does all the picking up early if needed and picking up on the emergency stuff, I am absolutely fine with this, I suggested that he needs to figure out a way to pick up the routine appointments, immunisations, development checks and times when we know they will need time off say the next day, I e. Not as last minute. I've kind of put this to him that my employer shouldn't be paying for the fact that his employer is not flexible nor financial supportive for parents. And I also already do so much. Right now I don't know what to do.

The only way you're being unreasonable is thinking of it as him supporting you with this stuff. The work is 50% his. You're supporting him with picking up the less predictable stuff. He needs to grow up and take responsibility as a dad.

I don't understand why you chose to have three children with this man, of course YANBU.

I don't think both partners working FT is that manageable with 3 young children. Can either of you reduce down to 4 days/week? Do you have grandparents who can help?

Something needs to change & it sounds like he's unwilling to support you. Does he realise you actually have to work full time hours? Does he think you can dip in & out of meetings etc?

Are you not using childcare until 5:5.30pm or are you collecting 3 children mid afternoon & trying to juggle with them all there? I don't see why he can't collect them in the afternoon?

Yesterday I have my year end review and my manager picks me up on this regular absence from my desk and sets my priorities for next year with number 1 being to be more present at meetings and in general.

Tell DH that this is an issue & you could end up unemployed. I'm surprised the employer is tolerating you missing from meetings & not at your desk.

Thank you for the responses. We have nursery hours between 8 and 6. I pick them up around 4:45-5ish and we get back home around 5:15-5:30ish (getting two babies in pushchair after handovers plus getting them in car and pushchair away plus 10-15min drive). This gives them a short while at home playing before dinner bath and bed and I get out the door at 6:50 for my evening job. He works until 6, more realistically until 5:30 we live out in the country and even if he left at 5:30 babies wouldn't be home until 6ish, this would be too late for dinner bath and bed.
I am second guessing myself all the time. Whenever I mention support we have a row. It just leaves me feeling like I am being unreasonable. I don't want to lose my job and I really want to work towards a promotion so I can give up my evening job. After my year end review I just feel like I've taken a huge step back. I'm not really career minded but find financial security really important, particularly since having children.

He’s being totally unreasonable.

You both need to start from the view that everything is shared. So getting the kids to school, appointments, etc is equally your responsibilities. Then from there is becomes who can do it more easily, etc. But his assumption is that this is all your work.

And what’s the deal with your finances - why would you have to give him £300 if he lost his bonus? Surely that would be £300 off the household budget? You cannot seriously be even contemplating paying him to parent.

I find financial security really important too and I’m not in your shoes- with a man who doesnt stand up as a partner or a dad.
we work full time with 3 young children and Dh does his share. This is completely non negotiable. If he feels he can’t lose a days work then you as a family definitely can’t lose your job, he’s doing the numbers wrong (deliberately, because it suits him to)
he needs to shape up, parenting is not ‘helping you’. You’ve made some really reasonable suggestions, he needs to do better.
the only thing you do differently from us is the early pick up time. My Dh does the pick up and scrapes in before 6pm, there’s no other way to make it work with work. How about your partner does pick up 2 nights a week for a start? I know it’s late but children adjust. Have a very quick tea, skip bath unless they desperately need it?

And if he won’t step up start looking at what life looks like without him. As that’s where you will be eventually when the resentment becomes terminal. I’d tell mine that but it depends if you feel safe.

I hadn’t realised he says you should pay him if he does a days parenting. Do not let that slide. Tell him if he ever ever again suggests he should be paid to look after his own children you will tell his mum and everyone you both know what he suggested and he can enjoy everyone thinking he’s a shitty dad and realising what little support you get from him.

do you really need to move? I am wondering what balls you can drop while your partner adjusts to the fact that you aren’t a housekeeper cleaner secretary robot and children take commitment from both parents.

You've been taking the piss out of your employer and your so-called partner has been taking the piss out of you. You are lucky your employer hasn't given you a disciplinary for the amount of work time you have been stealing to deal with non-work issues.

Your dp needs to stop being so pathetic. He is as much responsible for the children and home as you are. He needs to be doing 50% of all appointments etc and you absolutely shouldnt pay him £300 to do his fair share.

Does he also work a second job? Because if not you are being doubly screwed over by him.

I voted YANBU, but in truth YABU in not working from a starting point of
"We both work FT. We have 3 dc together and are both their parents. Therefore, all of this gets split 50:50"

So, as per the first post.

Tell your husband to step up. I'm surprised you haven't been pulled up on it much sooner, as it does sound like you have been taking the piss and I'm sure your colleagues resent it too. Sorry to be harsh but I have had colleagues like this in the past and I think it's really selfish behaviour.

Also why would you be paying him to look after his kids, this is seriously messed up OP. Has he always been this much of an ass?

I don't understand why you chose to have three children with this man,

Trust MN to always have someone to stick the boot in.

So if I’ve read this right, he comes home to fed and bathed children who are heading to bed as you go out to your second job, is that correct.
If so what on earth is this man bringing to your family?

Lots of those things you just need to book outside of work hours eg car maintenance (drop it off the night before or early morning, or get a mobile service), house viewings. For gas/electric repairs surely all you need do is let them in and leave them to it, routine vaccinations and appointments one of you take holiday. If you have childcare until 6 you need to use it until you’ve finished work. All of those things you’re doing because it’s more convenient rather than it being necessary and that’s not fair on your employer. Is the evening work an additional job? Could one or both of you reduce hours a bit?

I'm a single mum and I used to collect after 5.30 so I could work full hours and it wasn't a problem with supper and bed. Can you extend their nursery times? Let your dh do bedtimes.

Or can you find someone local to do pick ups and drop offs for you? Share with another mum?

Three children and working full time is difficult. I coped by being super-organised and was lucky ds had few illnesses but I only had one.

Yesterday I have my year end review and my manager picks me up on this regular absence from my desk and sets my priorities for next year with number 1 being to be more present at meetings and in general. Don't get me wrong, my manager was understanding and very diplomatic but I am mortified and ashamed, I feel like I've taken the p**s. I've never had a bad year end review. I'm devastated.

With 3 kids to support you need to do everything in your power to keep your job.
Your future self (pension!) and your kids will thank you for it.

Is a man really that more important? He should be supporting the family unit.
Does not sound like he is...
"I am second guessing myself all the time. Whenever I mention support we have a row. It just leaves me feeling like I am being unreasonable."

He's got you questioning your own sanity. Think about that.

What conversations has he had with his manager about being able to more flexible with his role/working hours? Or requesting parental leave at short notice?

I think we can guess the answer to that one.

He is a father and that requires sacrifice. He is absolutely taking the piss.

Well said

"I also can't afford to give him £300 if he supports me with this stuff."

Why would YOU have to pay HIM? These are just as much his children as yours. Why isn't the argument how much HE would have to pay YOU if you lost your source of income because he wasn't doing his fair share of looking after HIS OWN CHILDREN? Why are you putting up with being treated like the lesser person in this relationship?

You have nursery until 6 but pick them up well before then... why?

Sounds like he could do pick up if it was later. So leave them there for longer.

Book what you can outside of working hours, like those of us who can't just leave work for appointments have to do.

He starts doing nursery pick up, tea and bed routine??

DH and I both work full time but we split child sick days, for example. I try and book appointments in the holidays or outside of our working hours. Why on Earth are you doing everything? I get it, it's a bit easier if your are wfh but you are still meant to be working.
If you've got childcare until 6pm, make it his job to pick them up and get them fed and bathed and put to bed. (Handover and chucking the kids into the car can speed up massively when the nursery is closing.) He's a parent. He needs to speak to his employer and make it clear that they are aware that he might need a day off to look after a sick child. Neither of you are living in the 1950s and you aren't a merry housewife.

He is absolutely taking the piss.

Is he going to replace your entire wage if they sack you, using his shit logic?

Could he pick the DC up from nursery at six?