To expect my partner to take time off with kids if needed

[workingparentt]

I posted on here a little while ago. My partner and I both work full time and have 3 children. One at school and two at nursery. I work from home, he works in a job in customers houses. Due to his working hours I do all nursery runs, drop offs and pick ups, 5 days a week.

I have also been doing everything else like days off with poorly kids, trips to urgent treatment centres or having them at home with me whilst working if last minute illness. I pick up all extra odd jobs too, e.g. inspections, gas and electric issues, routine Dr appointments for kids, car issues, more recently house viewings as we need to move, the list goes on and it really does.

I was concerned that my employer wouldn't tolerate this inconsistency. Add to it two recent health issues requiring multiple referrals Inc two physio referrals and I'm just struggling to fit everything I do into my days. The general feeling on here was to carry on with me picking all of these bits up as my partner loses approx 450£ for having a day off as he has a £300 pound a month attendance bonus for just being present.

Yesterday I have my year end review and my manager picks me up on this regular absence from my desk and sets my priorities for next year with number 1 being to be more present at meetings and in general. Don't get me wrong, my manager was understanding and very diplomatic but I am mortified and ashamed, I feel like I've taken the p**s. I've never had a bad year end review. I'm devastated.

I've mentioned to my partner that I can no longer keep doing all of these extras and we have to work something out moving forward and we have had a huge explosive row. He can't afford his outgoings if he loses that £450 but I'm being told by my employer that they won't tolerate it either. I love my job, they are really amazing employer, I've studied for a degree as a mature student to work in my field, I won't get another employer who will match either my terms or salary but I also can't afford to give him £300 if he supports me with this stuff. He can't book leave unless more than 6 weeks in advance. AIBU and what do I do please, any suggestions welcome. Because I work from home I know I need to be the one who does all the picking up early if needed and picking up on the emergency stuff, I am absolutely fine with this, I suggested that he needs to figure out a way to pick up the routine appointments, immunisations, development checks and times when we know they will need time off say the next day, I e. Not as last minute. I've kind of put this to him that my employer shouldn't be paying for the fact that his employer is not flexible nor financial supportive for parents. And I also already do so much. Right now I don't know what to do.

Aside from your husband being dick, move the house viewings to weekends

not sure what else is happening that often to have an impact on your work? Surely no one is in the doctors and having gas inspections that often?

when you have something one week, work through lunch / leave them in nursery longer to make the hours up.

also seriously need to be looking at your husbands outgoings if he’s relying on an attendance bonus to cover the outgoings. What happens if he’s off sick himself? Or breaks his leg and can’t work for 6 weeks?

YANBU, he needs to pull his weight. In our family it's dh that has the 'big important job' which pays most of our living costs. That means I work part time and do more of the kid related stuff. But not all of it. He's had to do a share of school runs and taking time off when the kids are sick. Because yeah, why should my employer (or me) cop for all of that. Stand your ground.

Surely it depends on what the partners job is?

You are both being unreasonable! You both really didn’t think having three young children through. I think your current domestic set up and xxx is incompatible with both your career expectations. This is conversation that should have been had before the jobs or babies.

Amidst the current domestic and craziness you want to add a house move! You both need to prioritise surviving the younger years, which means that you both need to adjust your attitudes and start being realistic.

Make a calendar and add every appointment, every day your child was sick, every domestic and childcare task and review it together. Make it clear that you poor review was because the childcare and domestic responsibilities fell to you and if it continues, you will loose your job.

Thanks everyone for the comments, I always work through my lunch if I've got an appointment, and yes I agree there's only so many things that can take me away from my desk, recent examples are multiple episodes of car issues, Inc 2 separate flat tyres within a week, having to abandon car due to accidents on my road in the snow and walk home (not myself involved in accident but just preventing me from getting home). I would love to do the house viewings at the weekend so partner / family could come to bit reality is that the rental market in my area has lack of supply yet huge demand, it is like a rat race and you need to view and move quick. Also we haven't chosen to move at this time, we have been served notice (no fault) we had already registered a risk of becoming homeless so we had to do whatever was necessary to avoid. Working later and asking my partner to do the nursery run doesn't feel like an option as I don't always know when he will be home and if it would even be on time plus it seems non stop already in the evenings to cut that time down but now it feels like I don't have an option. Appreciate they may not need a bath every night, it has become part of their routine but yes this could slide given there is a struggle at the moment.
We have not chosen to move at this time, we are tenants who have been given a no fault eviction.

We live outside of town and our new home is in town very close to the nursery which I believe will help alot.
Since our youngest baby has come along the nursery prices increased from £48 per day to £65 per day (which is not the most expensive, we couldn't actually find cheaper). We could not have anticipated that kind of increase and unfortunately had not planned this £34 a day (difference x 2) increase in childcare, totalling around £700 per month. I wouldn't change any of our choices but it just was not some thing we could have anticipated nor had we planned for.
I will try the suggestion of letting him pick babies up 2 nights a week to start and see how this goes.
I am fully aware that it is likely to cause resentment amongst my colleagues, honestly I just feel so ashamed and I can't believe it has gotten to this. I have also worked with people who take this piss and you feel it as a team. It's so embarrassing that I have now become that person.
My partner has not suggested I pay him £300 if he were to lose it to look after the babies but his argument is that if he loses this money he can't afford the rent / bills and if my salary allowed I would consider paying this to him on the basis that I am so embarrassed in my situation. But the fact is I just don't earn enough to do this for both of our benefit.
Thank you again for these suggestions.

Totally agree. Quote: "...but I also can't afford to give him £300 if he supports me with this stuff." As @literalviolence says, he is not supporting you - he is a 50/50 partner in the household and the other parent to the children. He should be doing 50%. That's not supporting you - that's doing his fair share.