TTC - bf doesn’t want me taking our child to see family abroad

[Libertyy]

I’m ttc artificially with my bf due to some personal issues so it’s not been an effort, just inserting syringes loaded with sperm on my most fertile days so it’s not like there’s any physical pressure in the way ttc naturally is, this is the second month trying and I normally fall pregnant without issue but I have had some previous mc’s so I am hoping to conceive soon.

I have recently been abroad to visit family and I have become quite close with mum’s relatives, I call them every few days and I’m hoping to go yearly especially since it could take a couple years to actually conceive.

So long story short we were talking about who the baby could potentially look like and any names we definitely do not want to name the baby (we’ve both got history of losses so we wanted to clear any names that could cause trauma to resurface). We ended up speaking about who we would invite first to see the baby once I’m ready, we ended up agreeing until I mentioned how I would want to take him or her abroad with my family once the baby has had all the injections and he told me he was uncomfortable about this, that he doesn’t think he would be able to cope with being away from the baby as he’s already had a baby daughter who was stillborn and he would constantly be on edge with the worry that he could lose her or me as I could be unwell again (I was last time I went and he believed certain family members were putting things in my food but they’re not the same relatives as the ones I’m hoping to take baby with to visit) and the baby would be with people he doesn’t know.

I suggested he could come with me after he’s gotten comfortable with my relatives but he’s just worrying about every little thing. He said he doesn’t want them to go until they’re older and I reminded him that my family don’t do anything untoward, that my parents would be with me too and the baby would be safe. He said he doesn’t want to risk it because I was ill and the level of medical care is different to here and he worries in case the baby gets really ill. I said I understand but I would be able to pay for it and we would all be vaccinated and avoiding anything that would be putting us at risk. But then I enquired about his family in another country and he was more on board with taking them there as babies

AIBU? How do I approach this? He is understanding and I have been understanding

So is he talking about being OK with taking the baby to meet his relatives abroad in the same time frame as he's not OK with you taking the baby to meet your relatives?

he believed certain family members were putting things in my food is there any foundation to this at all? It's a bit worrying if he's constructed that in his head.

Did he have any kind of counselling after the stillbirth?

It sounds like he really needs some counselling around the still birth before, to really help him get to a better place for possibly having another child. His concern is coming from a genuine place of worry. Surely you need to be in a position that you are both comfortable going to stay with each others' families - I feel like that's a big issue now, regardless of having a baby to.

I'd be stopping TTC until you can bottom this out

So he is ok with you and baby visiting his family but not yours? 🚩 Is he controlling in other ways? It is quite an insinuation to suggest your family were poisoning you, is there reasonable justification for his claims? Because if not that is a worrying level of paranoia 🚩 His anxiety over your and any baby's health to the point of not wanting you to do normal things is also unhealthy. I would suggest to him that you both address these concerns with some counselling before continuing TTC.

Yeah this is pretty much the situation, which I feel is quite unfair as some of his family aren’t exactly the best but I don’t tar his with the same brush. It could have happened yes there has been some indication but we don’t have to have anything to do with that part of the family, the rest of them are lovely people and of course would want to meet my new baby. He’s had counselling after the stillbirth, but I think it’s really damaged him to the core, which I do understand because my losses affected me very similarly and for a while I had sky high anxiety but he’s always been an anxious person.

There's a big difference between having founded suspicion/evidence that someone's trying to poison you, and inventing it.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's fair for him to take the baby overseas to see his relatives but not for you to do the same?

He’s not controlling in other ways, he’s usually quite sensitive and understanding but he is very anxious when it comes to things like health and safety, he checks the locks and switches 1000 times to make sure nobody can get it or to make sure there’s no fires and every time I go anywhere that’s a bit far out he asks me to make sure I text him when I’ve arrived so he knows I’m safe. I am not sure if those are red flags because he just asks that I tell him how long I’m going to be so he knows when to expect me and when I’m back so he can put dinner on, ask me to grab something for him, so he knows if I’m with friends from
school or colleagues, sometimes he asks that I take another sim so if I loose signal the other will work, things like that. Which I have always found quite reasonable. This is what he’s like

He needs medical help for his anxiety and possible OCD.

sometimes he asks that I take another sim so if I loose signal the other will work, things like that

/this isn't normal or proportionate

This, I’d put TTC on hold until he’s stable.

he believed certain family members were putting things in my food is there any foundation to this at all? It's a bit worrying if he's constructed that in his head.

What was the answer to this? Sorry if I missed it...

He's is being totally unreasonable. I wouldn't proceed with TTC.

Him and a couple other people thought that, although the other two said they believed there was some indication due to several coincidences with my illness but he is fully convinced

And Apparently it’s because his mum was saying the country is still in the process of becoming a Hague convention member and their family’s country is already one, so basically in other words she thinks there’s a chance I’m not going to bring the baby back.

I said to him that it’s not her place to insinuate that at all, especially not when his family could literally do the same to me so it’s literally hypocritical, that it’s not her child and I’m the mother and I’m going to a country where the FATHER usually has more of a say.

So I told him her bringing up cases where fathers have taken kids abroad is irrelevant to me, but could easily make me think hang on a second I’m not letting my baby go with you because you may not bring my baby back, so how do you feel when I’m the one saying it to you. I brought up how he went with his friend to the country my family are from for our friends’ wedding and I said to him so I am confused as to why all of a sudden it is an issue now. He just went quiet and didn’t say anything except he’d tell his mother not to interfere next time but told me that it’s not happening till he gains citizenship in my ethnic country of origin so I said he’s not taking the kids to his country until I have full rights in his country with arranged orders. I said to him we will do it equally and he said but the risk isn’t the same, I said if one person believes it’s risky so we will have to do it this way to protect both of us and he hasn’t said anything else

The whole situation sounds very strange and complex. I would probably not be TTC. Do you have other children either with this man or with someone else?

In my opinion, your partner sounds as if he hasn't dealt with his anxiety. Perhaps delay ttc until he has had counselling and/or consulted his GP about his difficulties.

I've voted yabu to have a baby with this man.

No there’s no other children

he believed certain family members were putting things in my food

Don't have a baby with this man. You are never going to lead a normal happy life with a man who won't let you and your baby out of his sight and who believes your own family is trying to poison you.

he is very anxious when it comes to things like health and safety, he checks the locks and switches 1000 times to make sure nobody can get it or to make sure there’s no fires and every time I go anywhere that’s a bit far out he asks me to make sure I text him when I’ve arrived so he knows I’m safe. I am not sure if those are red flags

All of these are red flags. Mentally, he is very unwell and he is not in any state to be a parent. His illness is already controlling his own life and it's now reached the point where his illness is also going to control your life, and the life of your baby. He needs treatment before you should even start trying for a baby.

due to some personal issues

If you 'usually' fall pregnant easily, I don't understand why you're trying to conceive artificially with syringes? Do you mean you're using a sperm donor because your boyfriend can't have children? Or do you mean your boyfriend can't/won't have sex with you?

None of this sounds at all ideal and you both sound quite vulnerable.

@ManateeFair I assume boyfriend is struggling to ejaculate PIV.

@Libertyy do not TTC with this guy. He's not mentally ready. Pregnancy can be an anxious time even without a history of MC and stillbirth. Add in both of those, plus underlying anxiety from both partners and you've got a recipe for a lot of pain.

How old are you? Please encourage your boyfriend to seek professional help. If he refuses then do not TTC with him regardless.

Red flags are flying! Do not have a child with a mentally unstable man! He needs counseling and possibly medication.

Yes I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like both of you have some extreme trauma that needs to be resolved before getting into bringing a child into this situation. TTC via home artificial insemination, citizenship issues, family members trying to poison you. Trauma on all sides. It sounds like a chaotic and damaging environment as it is without having a child brought into the mix.

No chance would I be reproducing with this controlling POS

You shouldn’t have a baby with this man.

the two of you aren’t communicating well and their are too many anxieties around how to raise the baby.

the issue of international travel is a legitimate concern. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone risks having a child with someone with strong ties to another country, let alone one with that isn’t compliant with The Hague convention with regards to child custody.

To be fair, OP has reiterated in at least two posts since that other people believe that too, and it's not meritless, so it's slightly less of a concern than you're making it out to be... He could be right.

But I'd second the advice to stop TTC. It sounds like you're both still hurting from previous losses, and you don't have much mutual trust or respect. It's all chaotic and dramatic and that is not the environment for a child.