TTC - bf doesn’t want me taking our child to see family abroad

[Libertyy]

I’m ttc artificially with my bf due to some personal issues so it’s not been an effort, just inserting syringes loaded with sperm on my most fertile days so it’s not like there’s any physical pressure in the way ttc naturally is, this is the second month trying and I normally fall pregnant without issue but I have had some previous mc’s so I am hoping to conceive soon.

I have recently been abroad to visit family and I have become quite close with mum’s relatives, I call them every few days and I’m hoping to go yearly especially since it could take a couple years to actually conceive.

So long story short we were talking about who the baby could potentially look like and any names we definitely do not want to name the baby (we’ve both got history of losses so we wanted to clear any names that could cause trauma to resurface). We ended up speaking about who we would invite first to see the baby once I’m ready, we ended up agreeing until I mentioned how I would want to take him or her abroad with my family once the baby has had all the injections and he told me he was uncomfortable about this, that he doesn’t think he would be able to cope with being away from the baby as he’s already had a baby daughter who was stillborn and he would constantly be on edge with the worry that he could lose her or me as I could be unwell again (I was last time I went and he believed certain family members were putting things in my food but they’re not the same relatives as the ones I’m hoping to take baby with to visit) and the baby would be with people he doesn’t know.

I suggested he could come with me after he’s gotten comfortable with my relatives but he’s just worrying about every little thing. He said he doesn’t want them to go until they’re older and I reminded him that my family don’t do anything untoward, that my parents would be with me too and the baby would be safe. He said he doesn’t want to risk it because I was ill and the level of medical care is different to here and he worries in case the baby gets really ill. I said I understand but I would be able to pay for it and we would all be vaccinated and avoiding anything that would be putting us at risk. But then I enquired about his family in another country and he was more on board with taking them there as babies

AIBU? How do I approach this? He is understanding and I have been understanding

We are normally great with each other, it is just this topic that turned a bit heated. I just don’t understand double standards when his family also have strong links abroad, like we both do, if I have to wait till my baby is older then it’s fair that he does. The issue is I have already had an “insemination” this week so we likely could still be having a baby, but I’m going to bring up couple’s counselling so we can discuss these issues further in relation to our trauma before we do get married and continue TTC. We are going the home artificial route because it gives me some time to address my vaginismus too and we are also getting married soon. I do agree that we both have trauma but we have both had extensive trauma therapy, I have discussed things with him in detail about therapy but he has to wait till next month to get his private appointments through as his GP isn’t referring him

Issues about family members drugging/poisoning your food aside (that's weird and worrisome), I think it's perfectly natural for a parent to not want to be separated from their very young baby. Just after they get their injections is 8 weeks. I don't think dh or I would have been comfortable about the other taking our 8+ week old baby away to another country. When they are older, yes, and I have travelled abroad with my dc when they were a bit older, but not as a new baby. And yes, I'll be entirely honest that I'd be anxious with dh taking either of them abroad alone - not because dh is in any way an unfit or irresponsible parent - but because it does lead you to think about all the what ifs that could happen with international travel (plane crash, terror attack, etc.), which may or may not be very rationale, but it would certainly make me anxious.

It sounds though like you have a complicated family situation and there are also mental health concerns. Bringing a baby into this situation seems like it's only going to add to an already difficult and stressful dynamic.

The family situation I mention is just one very small part of the family abroad who we don’t have to have any involvement with, there are so many lovely family members that I have who I would love having the pleasure of meeting my child. Of course if he says no to going alone it’s a no because it would be his baby too, but I would be with my parents so I wouldn’t be alone. But I understand he wouldn’t want me going if he wasn’t going but I have expected him to be more eager to come with me and we can stay separately in a hotel, or at least him turning round to me and saying we should both wait till they’re older before taking them to either of the countries, instead of him being paranoid about one country but alright with taking the baby to see his family in another

Just stop trying to have a baby with him, he isn't stable and a baby is a lot of pressure, it will just make him worse and really do you want your child to have a father like this?

I text him about it saying I was upset that I was so happy to go with the baby to see his family but that I felt like he didn’t want to do the same for my family. He says the only way it can happen is if we both go with the baby to see relatives, so I said that’s great that’s how I want it to be but that I wanted it to be equal and that he had all of these worries that he hasn’t properly discussed with me so he’s apologised and I’ve explained my side properly and he now understands how I feel and I understand that he was wary because he thought I’d be at risk and he didn’t know my family abroad well enough to know how to safeguard me properly. So I think I’ll introduce him to them and let him make up his own mind and see what he says, I think I’ll speak to him properly about couple’s counselling in relation to his anxiety and our joint trauma because he’s involved in a lot of my past.

I do love him and I know he loves me, I do want to marry him. I just want to see if he will be open to the idea of joint counselling so we can discuss all of these anxieties, he’s more reasonable when he’s calmed down and able to think rationally. I do agree with you and PP pointing out that we do need to have the anxiety and trauma issues worked on first

I really don't think either of you are in a good place for having a child together!

Thank you for your honesty. We are going to postpone it

What's the backstory with your extended family - is there one? Are his concerns legitimate? Because you said a couple of other people also had concerns. Who are these other people who had concerns?

It’s a really bad idea to have a baby with this man. You risk a child who ends up scared, anxious and suspicious of everyone and not being allowed to enjoy their life. If I was a child and overheard adults discussing someone poisoning food I would be terrified - unable to sleep or enjoy eating. Nobody is perfect but it sounds like your household is a prime candidate for creating mental health issues and the Uk is not a good place to live if you have MH problems.
I know that you said that health and safety is the only thing that sets your fiancé off but health and safety is a time consuming part of having a child. Will he cope with vomit , diarrhea, injuries like scrapes and bruises ?

As for the visiting family abroad bit, he’s obviously very unreasonable and hypocritical. This is a major red flag that should be telling you not to have a baby. He doesn’t trust you or even like your family and it would be an awful shame if this damaged your newfound closeness with your mother’s family.

Do you spend Christmas in the country that you currently live in? How do you are Christmases planning out ? For example would he find it acceptable if you travelled to your country every other year? Would he be happy to host guests from your family in between ?

Why is the detail about your trying to conceive artificially rather than the natural way relevant to the story?
I am not asking in a mean way but just wondering why you've decided to add this detail - maybe you would like to share the personal aspect that means you guys aren't trying naturally?

I don’t mind you asking at all. I added it just in case people suggested that ttc was having a physical impact on him etc so I added it for that reason and I’ve explained why on an earlier post, we would prefer to do it this way as we are not married yet and It is the only way I can conceive right now due to vaginismus

One was a friend of mine and my grandmother and mum’s cousin, they suggested it as a possibility as I seemed to be unwell and suffering with vomiting, diarrhoea and stomach discomfort whenever I was eating food prepared at certain relatives housing (although not the relatives me and my bf have discussed visiting with the baby). They were more suggesting it as a possibility but they kept an open mind that it could have been because they were serving cold food etc, but my partner is the most convinced.

Stop ttc for now and deal with the issues..

@Libertyy

Have you tried to speak to a psychosexual therapist? X

It really sounds like the two of you are not ready for ttc. If you got pregnant tomorrow all these issues would be unresolved and you’d be facing real difficulties after the baby is born. And your bf might well become more anxious and his mental health could sink further. That would leave you carrying most of the emotional load of the relationship when you have a newborn.

Are you not sleeping with each other until you get married, is this a cultural thing? I'm a little confused as to why being unmarried is a factor for you ttc with artificial insemination.

That is right. We would prefer to be married before sleeping together, it’s something we discussed at length since we have met each other.

We are holding off ttc at the moment but we have already tried this month, so I’m just waiting to see if my period will arrive.

I may be wrong, but isnt this condition anxiety related too? Why the rush to have a child if you have so many issues, mental health traumas you need to deal with etc and you don't want to have sex until you are married? Is it an age thing? Children aren't a right. They are a huge responsibility. Even the most stable of parents can be driven mad by lack of sleep, not knowing what to do, interfering relatives etc.

This 💯. You both clearly have major issues and are probably making each other worse. Don't bring a baby into this.

Have you ever slept together? This sounds all so wrong. You’re waiting till marriage to sleep with each other but using artificial insemination to get pregnant now ? I think both of you need therapy and fast. This isn’t normal . Are you very young. What’s the country difference. Most countries have good healthcare so babies would be safe but in your Shoes don’t get pregnant till you’re married and have had the therapy you need to actually have sex.

I’m sorry but this is really, really messed up. You’re not married and don’t want to have sex yet, for cultural reasons, but you’re ttc? Are you planning to marry while you’re pregnant or after the baby is born? Won’t your community and families be puzzled or horrified? What are you going to say? “Yes mum, I’m pregnant and unmarried, but don’t worry, we haven’t had sex yet”. This is all kinds of wrong.

Please, reconsider and get some counselling for both of you. It really doesn’t sound like you’re ready for parenthood, and if you have a baby under these circumstances I’m actually concerned about what kind of family life the child will have.

It sounds a bit worrying that several people think family members were putting things in your food. I'd be worried too.

Why can't he join you when you visit?

Sorry, just read he doesn't want to..