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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's dad has had an operation on his leg 8 weeks ago

43 replies

justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 10:50

AIBU to think that he should still do his part? My children's dad had an operation on his leg around 8 weeks ago, couldn't walk afterwards obviously so the children didn't go and stay with him much, he has a partner and a 7 month old baby, anyway... our 2 children one of them goes to a school near where I live and my our other child goes to a school a bus journey and a walk away, so of a morning I have to do 2 school runs, also in the afternoon I have to pick up my one child and get back to my other child's school to pick him up, he is saying he can't walk however he manages to go shopping picking the boys presents for Christmas videocalling me whilst he is in the shop so is clearly out, manages to go to his mums but cannot manage helping me with a school run or picking up the children when he is having them of a weekend, I just don't see why he cannot do a school run and take our one child who is in the school a bus journey away in a taxi or pick him up in a taxi once a week to help me out a bit, or AIBU?? If I had a broken leg I would still find an away to get my children to school he just seems to be milking it but if I wasn't here what would he do then? Part of me thinks I'm right but then I'm not sure

OP posts:
Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 10:52

Too add, he can look after his baby at home alone without the mother there so surely if his leg is that bad then he wouldn't be left at home alone with a 7 month old child ??

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/12/2023 10:54

How old are the children?

how do school runs normally work? Surely one or the other of you work?

geckofrog · 15/12/2023 10:54

Ignore the other child that is nothing to do with you.

Have you asked why he canndo somethings but not the school run? Maybe his new partner is giving him lifts there etc but isn't available during school run time.

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 10:57

Sirzy · 15/12/2023 10:54

How old are the children?

how do school runs normally work? Surely one or the other of you work?

We are not together I'm currently not working as I have a baby, he is out of work because of his leg... children are 7 & 8, I usually drop my youngest off at school then get a bus and walk to my other child school, then I pick my 8 year old up a little earlier again on the bus back to my youngest school

OP posts:
AgnesX · 15/12/2023 10:58

It depends on the severity, if he's still non weight bearing you're being unreasonable.

Able people just don't realise how difficult it is to manage when one of your limbs or more doesn't work or work properly.

waiting for the wrath of MN to fall for even suggesting it

Sirzy · 15/12/2023 11:00

justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 10:57

We are not together I'm currently not working as I have a baby, he is out of work because of his leg... children are 7 & 8, I usually drop my youngest off at school then get a bus and walk to my other child school, then I pick my 8 year old up a little earlier again on the bus back to my youngest school

Show quote history

So if that’s how it works normally when he isn’t off his feet then why are you expecting it to change when he is off his feet?

why are they both at different schools? If one is a specialist school can they not get door to door transport?

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:00

geckofrog · 15/12/2023 10:54

Ignore the other child that is nothing to do with you.

Have you asked why he canndo somethings but not the school run? Maybe his new partner is giving him lifts there etc but isn't available during school run time.

Yes he will just cause an argument over it saying it is nothing to do with me , well it is if you can do everything else but not help with your child

OP posts:
Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:06

@Sirzy yes my eldest has been put into another school until may because he was struggling at the school he way at so he's only been there since September I wouldn't mind if they was both at the same school not a problem I am happy to do school runs etc but sometimes it's a struggle having my baby getting on and off buses in the freezing cold then no room on buses for pushchair etc the other school says they prefer my child getting picked up no earlier then half 2 so I have to make it from the school to the other school in half an hour

I tried to get transport but the school has said it has to be over 3 miles.

and I do drive myself but my car broke so don't have a car until after Christmas as I just don't have the money for that right now he doesn't pay any money towards the children either so when I'm paying bus every day and taxis if I'm in a rush it's just stressful just a bit of help would be nice but as I said he just says he can't because of his leg

I have no problem at all doing it when I had my car I could get to and from much easier

OP posts:
Seeline · 15/12/2023 11:07

What kind of operation?
Mole removal - probably he is being unreasonable if not doing what he normally does.
Major surgery - obviously recovery will be longer

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:09

Seeline · 15/12/2023 11:07

What kind of operation?
Mole removal - probably he is being unreasonable if not doing what he normally does.
Major surgery - obviously recovery will be longer

I'm not sure about the operation I think it was something to do with his knee, but it just confuses me how he manages to go other places but cannot do just 1 school run even in a taxi

OP posts:
Seeline · 15/12/2023 11:13

If you don't even know what he's had done, your are being unreasonable to criticise!

You don't know if his partner may have driven him to the shop. Looking after his baby in his own home is slightly different from going on a bus to do the school run.

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:16

Seeline · 15/12/2023 11:13

If you don't even know what he's had done, your are being unreasonable to criticise!

You don't know if his partner may have driven him to the shop. Looking after his baby in his own home is slightly different from going on a bus to do the school run.

His partner doesn't drive so that's definitely not the case

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 11:17

Are you saying he should be doing more school runs because you’ve got a baby?

He should be paying maintenance. Put in a claim if you haven’t. But that’s beside the point of his leg and the two of you having new babies.

HamsterBanana · 15/12/2023 11:17

You don't even know what he's had done, so how can you criticise?

If it's a knee operation, he won't be able to drive for quite some time! You're critical that he's just at home with his baby but you're doing the same? But without the knee operation? Confused

YABU.

RedPony1 · 15/12/2023 11:18

My friends ex had an operation on his knee last year.

Other than the actual operation day, she point blank refused to have the children on his normal days. She knew he wouldn't if she had to have the operation, so if he couldn't 'deal with' their sons on his allocated contact days/mights, he had to sort out his own childcare, just like she would have had to. She literally delivered them to his front door

You've been too nice!

Tinkerbyebye · 15/12/2023 11:18

how Often does he have the kids? He should be doing school runs etc on those days and it’s up to him to sort if he cant

where is your baby’s father? Can’t he help out?

as to not giving maintenance then go to cms

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 11:17

Are you saying he should be doing more school runs because you’ve got a baby?

He should be paying maintenance. Put in a claim if you haven’t. But that’s beside the point of his leg and the two of you having new babies.

I just don't think it's fair if I'm honest where he doesn't have to help at all because of his leg, he is on benefits has been for a while he didn't work before his operation so hasn't ever really paid towards helping with the children, his partner doesn't work, my partner does, but he would help with the school runs if he wasn't at work, so there's 2 of them and 1 of me

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 15/12/2023 11:26

Tell the specialists unit you can't cope with both school drop offs and they might be able to offer temporary transport. Apply for cms and depending on your little ones condition maybe Apply for a mobility car although the dla will go down

WorriedMum231 · 15/12/2023 11:26

I just don't see why he cannot do a school run

because you’re letting him

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:27

RedPony1 · 15/12/2023 11:18

My friends ex had an operation on his knee last year.

Other than the actual operation day, she point blank refused to have the children on his normal days. She knew he wouldn't if she had to have the operation, so if he couldn't 'deal with' their sons on his allocated contact days/mights, he had to sort out his own childcare, just like she would have had to. She literally delivered them to his front door

You've been too nice!

He has them every other weekend, Friday to Sunday, but then will still ask me to take them there pick them up etc, however this weekend he is having them tonight only because they have to and see his partners parents in another city I just think WTH

OP posts:
Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:40

He will phone in the week and ask to speak to the children and complain he doesn't get to spend enough time with them, I said you can call any time in the week and ask them to come for dinner and I would happily drop them off, not a problem at all, he will also complain on that the boys haven't rang him all week, sorry but I don't remember to get them to phone him I have enough to do myself it just doesn't cross my mind is but he will say to the children on the phone why haven't you asked to phone me? Like guilt tripping them like they should remember they are children, should I be the one reminding them to phone him or should he just be phoning anyway?! Because I know if that was me I would be calling every day to see how there day has been, he just likes to blame everything on everyone else

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BalloonSalesperson · 15/12/2023 11:44

As pps have said, it depends what the operation was. Staying home with a baby is a completely different kettle of fish to going out and about with an injured knee which, although you might be able to mobilise, you can't entirely depend on. A knee op, until it's properly healed can let you down unless you go very gingerly. It also takes time to regain the confidence required to walk any distance - especially when you're going to be responsible for a child as well as yourself.

geckofrog · 15/12/2023 16:13

justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 11:00

Yes he will just cause an argument over it saying it is nothing to do with me , well it is if you can do everything else but not help with your child

Show quote history

Nope sorry the other child is nothing to do with you

geckofrog · 15/12/2023 16:17

If he's never done the drop offs then what has this got to do with his leg

Original poster
justmyself71 · 15/12/2023 16:27

@geckofrog no I mean if I asked how he gets to other places but can't do a school run he will say it's none of my business

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