Give me strength

[Savvasy]

I'm recovering from big surgery.

I asked him (DH) to pick up a few bits from the shop, I wrote a list, he still forgets three things.

I say to get any easy meal for tonight, anything whatsoever he fancies, just nothing spicy. He brings home a super spicy pizza.

I ask if he can pop to the pharmacy to get me some painkillers. He comes home with indigestion tablets.

He can't help it. He has Autism.

After 14 years I'm still learning. Be specific. Don't give too many instructions. It's like having a child in so many ways.

Can I please just sigh and roll my eyes here.

I know nothing about Autism so cannot offer any advice. Just curious how this affects the ability to read a list? Is it that he gets distracted?

I'm surprised he didn't follow your list

You're a better woman than me putting up with this for 14 years

How specific do you need to be? Not spicy and him bringing a spicy pizza doesn't seem to be an issue of specifity?

Does he work? Just wondering if the level of specifics needed are only relevant for stuff at home.

If its just one of his quirks related to his Autism - sympathies. I have a ADHD DH who is great at his job but trying to get the man to close the kitchen cupboards after he's been in them....

Usually he can - but if stressed he loses track.

So he sees toilet rolls on the list, but on the way there in the busy aisles he sees something, or lots of people/noise gets distracted, forgets.

He thinks he's more capable than he is, this is the worst part, because he wouldn't think to double check the list again.

Now he knows to ring me before he pays, we go through the list together.

Arhhhhhh.

How does Autism make you buy a spicy pizza when you've been told specifically not to?

Autistic people can still be lazy and selfish.

Specific - I mean I should have said 'get a pepperoni pizza' rather than "get anything" because I think he got overwhelmed and only remembered "spicy".

He works extremely hard in a job that's absolute routine. He's paid very well as most people can't stand it!! He's never had a sick day, never been late, he's got a work ethic that inspires me.

He's worse when stressed and out of his routine - me recovering from surgery has thrown him.

Good luck with the cupboard doors!!

Oh god the constantly open kitchen cupboards!

And things left, unfinished, but just left there/wherever

Bless him! It's hard for our loved ones when we are ill (not just because they don't know bin days!), just as we feel helpless and stressed when boot is on other foot.

I can relate. I frequently write lists then forget them at home or get distracted/overwhelmed and just try to get out of the shop as quickly as possible, slapping myself on the way home as I failed to buy one thing I went to the shop for in the first place (but bought a bag full of other things we have no use for). I am otherwise a functional adult, I promise.
If that's any consolation, we have to put up with NT people's quirks too. Like not taking what we say at face value and looking for a hidden meaning. My partner got upset the other day when we were watching some sport documentary and he jokingly said he needs to eat 5000 cal a day like that guy who trains 8h a day. I said "but you don't train 8h a day". He took it as a comment on his work ethics (he has a physical job) and me calling him fat.
We just learned to muddle through and forgive each other for our quirks.

I’m sorry and I don’t know enough but autism, but I think your husband is a lazy selfish prick who needs to prioritise you a little bit more at your time in need. All he had to do was read a list.

No actually we can be thoughful and wonderful. Comments like this are not helpful.

OP it is not your husbands autism that is making him do this as I am the most thoughtful person ever and have never misread a shopping list, your husband is just a rude prick who does not consider your needs.

Oh right, but your "rude prick" comment is? I was alluding to the exact thing you are. Just because someone is autistic it does not prevent them from being thoughtful and considerate, the opposite is true most of the time.

OP it is not your husbands autism that is making him do this

Yes. Exactly.

Told my DH once that I'd like a new purse for Xmas. Anything but black, I said, and NO ZIPS (I always get them stuck).

No prize for guessing what I got...

I read somewhere that if you say what you DON'T want, some people just hear that bit and it really sticks in their mind and comes to the fore when they are shopping. So you get the exact opposite of what you asked for.

Don't know if it's worth a try, but you're obviously a patient woman 14 years in!

Good luck!

I meant to say never say what you DON'T want, only what you DO! Also, to heck with telling him to get whatever he wants but not spicy. Tell him he has to get XXXX pizza - be more selfish!

He works extremely hard in a job that's absolute routine. He's paid very well as most people can't stand it!! He's never had a sick day, never been late, he's got a work ethic that inspires me.

Funny, sounds like my DH! I have sometimes wondered about him over the years. He's an IT geek who can code all day. Interesting...he is very kind though and has some great qualities to balance things out!

@Psychoticbreak, nobody said autistic people ARE selfish!@Aquamarine1029 said that - just like neurotypical people - autistic can ALSO be selfish, and that if they are, it's unconnected with their autism. All people, regardless of neurodiversity or otherwise, can be nice or horrible. Being autistic doesn't make you horrible. Being autistic also doesn't make you nice.

@savemytimezone

I meant to say never say what you DON'T want, only what you DO!

That sounds like my Dad who isn't ND (as far as we know!) he has given Mum a LOT of brooches over the years - she has never ever worn one and asked him not to give her any more to no avail. One year I said to her leave it to me and had a loong conversation with him about it and 'guided' him onto more desiable gifts. I could not believe it when she opened her Christmas present and it was another brooch. Message seemed to have got through eventually - they have been married almost 60 years!

Sounds like an excuse to me.

Yes, you are a better woman than me. The painkiller bit would really annoy me. I am also recovering from surgery and I need what I ask for!

Oh wow! So many brooches!!! It's so strange the ideas they get, isn't it?

At least you found a way to BROACH the subject with your Dad 😂 sorry...I'll get my coat now...!"

I'm ready to be educated on this, but I'd have thought having autism would make him follow the list and instructions very precisely?

'Bless him'? 🤔He's not a child!

Urban myth no1

So I like to take a practical approach to things. Presumably you do all the shopping normally, but now you're unable to due to surgery so you need help. He is incapable of providing the requested assistance (not a slight on his autistic traits, just a proven fact), so you need someone else to do it.
I would plan and order food to be delivered to your house, assuming you are well enough to do so, and have any medication delivered or collected for you by a friend or neighbour. I'm sure people would help in the circumstances. You don't need to tell them why he can't help, they won't ask, but if they do, you can just say he us really busy with work and/or helping you at home. Or tell the truth, up to you.

Regardless of his autism, citing your illness as a reason he is stressed and can't concentrate to properly do the tasks you cannot do right now is really unfair, you've enough to deal with without that.