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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about this supposed "plea" to help find a DD on Facebook?

32 replies

GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 16:29

On my local Facebook group, someone has posted supposedly on behalf of her partner. In summary, she's looking for her partner's daughter. Apparently, he's been looking for years. He's been told she is now married but doesn't know her married name. He wants her to know she has a 7 year old sister.... then they provide the name and that she was known to live in the area.

I googled the name and the area and got an IMMEDIATE hit for someone with that name, in the area. Obviously, might not be her. But I bet it is.

I think this is a deadbeat dad who has abandoned his (now adult) daughter year sago and either is claiming he can't find her so the this new partner won't realise what a shit he is OR in the hopes that via Facebook, she'll be pressured into accepting contact from him. Obviously, lots of comments making suggestions to help.

Have I just become too cynical!? AIBU to think this is deeply suspicious and unlikely to be in good faith?

OP posts:
WrongSwanson · 14/12/2023 16:31

I'm always wary of these anyway. Sometimes people have a good reason why they don't want to be found

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/12/2023 16:34

I googled the name and the area and got an IMMEDIATE hit for someone with that name, in the area. Obviously, might not be her. But I bet it is.

I'd be tempted to put that verbatim in the comments. That would unravel the bullshit quite quickly. He's clearly fed his new GF a line. But then, it might destabilise the current relationship if he is proven to be a gigantic lying arsehole with no interest in or support of his first child, and it's probably not worth inflicting that on the 7 year old.

So in practice I'd probably say nothing but I'd also mute them.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/12/2023 16:34

I would consider messaging the dd so she can block her dad and partner if necessary.
Yanbu to think that you could be doing harm by forwarding the profile link.

LoreleiG · 14/12/2023 16:37

This does sound dodgy, I agree. Also posting anything like this on Facebook… she isn’t a lost toy. There will be a reason he does not have contact.

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 16:37

BoohooWoohoo · 14/12/2023 16:34

I would consider messaging the dd so she can block her dad and partner if necessary.
Yanbu to think that you could be doing harm by forwarding the profile link.

I seriously considered this.

Re posting on the post - I am afraid I don't like to do that. I have called out a few posts in the past around hideous behaviour from adults to children and I got attacked. It made me realise that putting my name to this sort of thing makes me very vulnerable. So I feel like a total wuss but at the same time....

OP posts:
ILikeItWhatIsIt · 14/12/2023 16:47

Who is he to you? Do you know him?

Andarna · 14/12/2023 17:01

I never share those things after I once saw one with a comment underneath along the lines of that they very well knew that their daughter had run away because of their abuse. If people are missing, the police will look for them. Otherwise they might be in hiding for their own safety.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/12/2023 17:08

I never ever share missing people posts and would never share that person’s location if I knew unless it was directly to the police. I work with men convicted of abuse towards their partners and many of them find very creative ways to contact their victims or gain contact with the children they’ve been court ordered to leave the hell alone! Some victims go into a form of witness protection for their own safety and to pass on their location could be life threatening.

ForTheLoveOfFriends · 14/12/2023 17:10

If he hasn’t seen his DD in years then it’s because he hasn’t bothered. Especially given how visible she is on google.

Usernameundiscovered · 14/12/2023 17:11

Never ever reshare these things, especially if the child is still a child, unless it's from the police or media. Many people who have had kids removed or are not allowed round their kids for whatever reason like to post "lost children" posts to track them down, it just makes the child unsafe

LakeTiticaca · 14/12/2023 17:43

If she didn't want to be found she wouldn't be visible on Socail media.
Why wouldn't the dad just search FB himself.

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2023 17:48

We were taught at women's aid to never share these things on Facebook etc because you don't know the backstory

Abusive families often use this tactic to shame people to get back in touch even if it's just to tell them to stop

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2023 17:50

LakeTiticaca · 14/12/2023 17:43

If she didn't want to be found she wouldn't be visible on Socail media.
Why wouldn't the dad just search FB himself.

Maybe she has blocked him and his family

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 17:50

Yep. Unless it's posted from a police account, ignore.

Diggerdriverless · 14/12/2023 17:58

No harm in you messaging the person you found. You can always block them afterwards, and tell them you are going to, so you have no investment in what happens after or even if it's the right person

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 18:19

The person I found has her email address and phone number all over the internet. So I suspect that her dad has no real interest in finding her and is just spinning his partner a line....

And she probably didn't google as it didn't occur to her that he hadn't already tried that in all his endless searching.....

OP posts:
Ravenclaw101 · 14/12/2023 18:22

I’m sorry, do you know these people?!

What on Earth is this to do with you?? Why are you getting all bothered about literal strangers? You know precisely zero of the back story here.

Nuts.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 14/12/2023 18:27

I don't understand the scam but apparently these are quite often scams. Especially ones about missing kids and mistreated animals. I think they use the share function as a way to hack or something.

GRex · 14/12/2023 18:28

If you find anyone who someone says they are seeking, the correct thing to do is to contact only the person being searched for. If they need to run, then they can run, and if they actually want contact then they have the details. Exception being a police search for a child, tell the police.

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 18:28

Ravenclaw101 · 14/12/2023 18:22

I’m sorry, do you know these people?!

What on Earth is this to do with you?? Why are you getting all bothered about literal strangers? You know precisely zero of the back story here.

Nuts.

Not sure I'd say I'm "all bothered" but yes, I'm afraid my hackles do go up when I spot what looks like the possibility of abuse or continued abuse.

And my original question was whether rI was being unreasonable to be suspicious.

OP posts:
Ravenclaw101 · 14/12/2023 18:29

Bothered to the point you’re googling random people.

Ravenclaw101 · 14/12/2023 18:30

And then posting about them on Mumsnet with some info which would clearly identify them to anyone else who has seen the post.

sonjadog · 14/12/2023 18:37

If you don't know anything about this people, then do nothing at all about it. Don't post any comment, don't email anything, don't share. Just leave them to it.

Original poster
GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 18:40

I am not going to do anything. I considered it for about 3 seconds but yes, I won't do anything.
@Ravenclaw101 umm... anyone who has seen the Facebook post would be able to identify them because their name was in the post. that was my entire point.

I do love thought police on MN - "is this a bit suspicious do you think land of anonymous posters?" MN: "How dare you think ANYTHING about ANYONE at ANY time"

I'm certainly not going to feel bad for spotting a potential red flag and wondering about it!

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 14/12/2023 18:43

The person I found has her email address and phone number all over the internet

Surely if you found it that easily then the Dad has & has ruled her out as being who he's looking for

Don't get involved. It's nothing to do with you

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