Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge me?

47 replies

silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 09:51

I'm off work sick currently with mental health difficulties as a result of relationship problems and other factors. I hit a really low crisis point last weekend and I've been forced to take this week off as my head is just not in a good place. I'm getting support from professionals with this. Thing is, I've only been in my job a few months and I'm also in quite a senior role in healthcare. I have people who I manage/supervise etc. I'm concerned that I'll be judged for being in this situation.

I think I have two questions here. 1) Am I doing the right thing to take the time I need? And 2) If you were my colleague would you judge me or see me as "weak" if I was in a supervisory position to you but was off work struggling with my mental health?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 14/12/2023 09:54

Your work colleagues won’t be told the reason you are off work - that’s confidential

Stephy1024 · 14/12/2023 09:55

Mental health doesn't discriminate. We can all struggle with it at any point during our lives for different reasons. If you feel you need the time then take it. There's no shame in that.

jotex · 14/12/2023 09:55

Why would your colleagues know the reason for your absence?

Original poster
silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 09:57

In theory they shouldn't be told you're right, but it's the sort of workplace where gossip spreads unfortunately 😞 I'm worried they'll find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 09:58

Stephy1024 · 14/12/2023 09:55

Mental health doesn't discriminate. We can all struggle with it at any point during our lives for different reasons. If you feel you need the time then take it. There's no shame in that.

Thank you

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2023 09:59

I wouldn’t no.

ivhope you’re feeling better soon and that you can resolve the relationship situation.

Lammveg · 14/12/2023 09:59

My manager had time off sick for mental health (only know this because she told me afterwards) and I had no judgement whatsoever. I'm glad she took the time she needed and it never crossed my mind that she was 'weak'.

TheSeasonalNameChange · 14/12/2023 10:02

Honestly? I don't think I would but that doesn't mean you won't be. It's shocking sometimes how petty and unreasonable people can be.

That doesn't change the fact that you absolutely should take the time off and should be proud of yourself for recognising that you need help and getting it.

DontGoGran · 14/12/2023 10:04

I may have skewed vision because I'm a mental health nurse and was also hospitalised with PND, but I'd think you very strong to be seeking help and support/ taking time out for your mental health and wellbeing and setting a good example for your junior colleagues.

Agix · 14/12/2023 10:05

Absolutely not.

My manager recently ended up telling me all about her mental health issues, we just got chatting after my one to one and she went off. Afterwards, she expressed feeling embarrassed and surprised she'd told me so much. I respected her anyway, but respect her more for being open about it... it also makes me feel more comfortable in having my own mental health struggles. A reminder that no one is immune. And doesn't make her any less of a fantastic manager!

I don't think you need to talk to people about it if you don't want to, but if they have heard on the grapevine from others, you will probably find people are more understanding about it than otherwise. I think a lot of people have their own struggles. If anything you're probably more relatable now 😊

Flamango · 14/12/2023 10:07

If you’ve just started and you’re off with MH problems (which as we all know can be intractable/flare up/be difficult to manage) then yes I would be anxious that I was looking down the barrel of months and years of extended and repeated absence. And IME once people start going off sick with MH it’s a slippery slope and they eventually leave.
I wouldn’t know you and I wouldn’t have anything else to judge it on except previous experience with others. It’s horrible having a manager who’s frequently not there for chunks of time (MH problem tend to need absences of weeks rather than the odd day).

This is within my specific experience of managers/senior team being off a lot, high turnover, people disappearing with MH problems etc and Band 6s left to manage everything and deliver clinically. A sort of stomach-sinking “here we go again” feeling.

But this wouldn’t be personal to you at all. All you can do for yourself is make a concerted effort so you can get well quickly. It’s not really your problem how others feel about it. I wish you all the best and hope you feel
well soon.

Mumtime2 · 14/12/2023 10:08

Be concerned about your mental health and not possible gossip.
It is good to take time out to sort yourself out and when it comes to the crunch you have to do what is right for you.
We all need time out at some stage of our daily life.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 14/12/2023 10:13

If I worked for you it wouldn’t be any of my business why you were off. As long as I knew who to go to for support instead and you hadn’t just left me high and dry! Everyone needs time now and again.

shivawn · 14/12/2023 10:14

My manager took 4 months out a couple years ago after loosing a parent, people recognised that she was really struggling and no one judged her for it. Also a senior healthcare role.

Vuurhoutjies · 14/12/2023 10:15

I'd say it's not really fair but yes, if it's a new job and you're off on MH issues, you might find yourself getting less understanding. that would probably be true of any illness that was longer-term and/or significant.

It's not rational, and it's not fair, but I think we all expect people to "prove" themselves on some level before we are able to be truly supportive/understanding.

But you have to do what you have to do and hopefully as you feel better and return to work, you will continue to have plenty of opportunities to prove yourself and build strong relationships with your colleagues.

ActDottie · 14/12/2023 10:16

I absolutely wouldn’t judge. Also your colleagues should not be told why you are off.

Whatineed · 14/12/2023 10:17

silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 09:57

In theory they shouldn't be told you're right, but it's the sort of workplace where gossip spreads unfortunately 😞 I'm worried they'll find out.

Then as a person in a senior role in healthcare you are setting a example on the importance of taking time to repair your mental health.

If colleagues actually working in a health care setting don't appreciate that, then maybe they should review their prejudices.

bord · 14/12/2023 10:19

If you're not well enough to work then you're not well enough to work. Regardless of the illness.

Not being well enough to work means you won't do your job well OR doing your job well will make you more ill and potentially lead to you needing to leave your job. Neither of which benefit your employer or colleagues.

When a colleague is ill it can be frustrating if that makes your job harder BUT if they're ill they're ill - and I think all they can reasonably ask is that with the time off you need to be trying to do things that will help you get better.

Alondra · 14/12/2023 10:38

I'm sorry to say this but yes, you will be judged. I work in health care as well and if you work in the public sector, being in the role for a few months and in a senior position means that taking time off will seriously impact everyone else because while you are off on sick leave, someone else will have to act on your position, if lucky, or no one will be there to do the work.

I wish it could be different but the reality of public healthcare these days is atrocious. People with families and work stress related conditions are working extra shifts because there is no funding for casuals to do the job if they are off sick.

Your senior position and being fairly new to the job works against you. When you are supervising people being stretched to the max week in and week out, being off for mental health issues, will be judged.

GrettaGreen · 14/12/2023 13:00

I wouldn't judge but given its a senior healthcare role, I would most likely assume that it was the job you weren't coping with

usererror99 · 14/12/2023 13:06

If you aren't coping then yes of course you have no option but to take the time that you need

But on point 2) Honestly....yes I probably would judge a bit without knowing all the info etc (which obviously I'd have no right to know anyway) I'm just being honest here. I'd probably grumble that relationships break down all the time. Especially if it was affecting my work load/increasing My stress levels/having an effect on my own work life balance

CalistoNoSolo · 14/12/2023 13:10

Yes, I would judge. I'd assume that you're taking the piss, esp as it's a new role in health care (NHS?).

kitsuneghost · 14/12/2023 13:15

Sorry but I would feel you are not suitable for the role you are in.
Could you maybe take on a less demanding role, one that doesn't have people relying on you so much?

Original poster
silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 13:35

It's not the job causing the stress, not even remotely. It's my home life situation. The reason I don't feel fit enough for work is because the nature of my role demands an emotionally and mentally robust person (management role in mental health). I cannot provide for others if I am not Ok myself, and that's just being realistic and honest.

I am most definitely not "taking the piss" as some have suggested; but that's fine to have that opinion- I did ask after all. But you are so, so wrong. I am simply trying not to completely lost what thread of sanity I have remaining due to significant home life stressors that have built up over months and months. Surely better to take that time now, shorter term, and engage the support I need to get to a better, more robust place, rather than ignore the problem and end up totally burnt out and on long term sick?

OP posts:
Original poster
silverheartstogether · 14/12/2023 13:36

Thanks to those who have been kind and wished me well, it's appreciated.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread