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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being overbearing?

30 replies

GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:30

Hi

i am a first time mother to a beautiful 10 month old and have a great partner (brilliant dad).
I’m naturally anxious, it’s my base level anyway, so I’m anxious about my baby too. I’m the primary care giver but my husband is great with our baby too, but admittedly he gets a lot of “careful” (though I have been mindful of that from the start) or pointers from me when he’s looking after her. sometimes he’s grateful cos he didn’t know something but other times he’s just rolling his eyes nearly. I think I’m being helpful but he thinks it’s categorising him as a second rate dad. We had a chat about it cos he has been off with me about it a few times and says it’s accumulation of all the comments. It’s hard cos it’s obviously my personality so it’s hard to change it. I trust him with her so it’s not like I have to go everywhere with them or supervise or anything like that. On the flip side I would hate it if I was him and I was being reminded of things.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 13/12/2023 13:32

Yes you are being annoying - you say yourself you trust him, and he IS her parent too. You are going to have to find a way to manage your anxiety before it becomes a real issue.

Bluela18 · 13/12/2023 13:35

If its affecting your husband, then it must be overbearing. But it's understandable you will be so anxious over your baby. Maybe just try and get in the habit of saying nothing, if he needs your advice etc he will ask for it! Or just have one big chat about safety or other topics regarding your baby so it covers everything and you won't need to remind him again?

Chickenkeev · 13/12/2023 13:37

I think you might be minimising your anxiety a bit. He is her parent too, you'll never do things exactly the same way.

Fionaville · 13/12/2023 13:39

I'm anxious too. My husband is really chilled out. He's learned to live with me saying stuff like this, he knows I don't mean anything by it. I think a bit of compromise/communication is needed here. Explain to your husband that you know he's a good dad etc, but you can't help saying these things sometimes as it makes you feel less anxious when you express your anxiety. Saying "Watch you don't trip on that" or whatever makes you feel less anxious in that second, because you've verbalised it. Say you'll try to stop as much as you can, but he also needs to understand you and not take it personally.

Cas112 · 13/12/2023 13:40

Well if its affecting his mood then yes

HotGirlInHell · 13/12/2023 13:40

Your anxiety is just that - yours.

He's just as much her parent, and let's face it, looking after a baby isn't that hard.

If you can try to step back, even step away, when he's with her, it will be good for all of you.

Otherwise you'll be on here in a few years asking why you're doing everything while your husband swans about with no responsibilities.

Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:44

thanks for the feedback.
i guess it’s a risk adverse thing rather than anxiety. He’s a bit more relaxed on things but says he’ll be safe with her.

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 13/12/2023 13:47

Every time you said something like that to me I'd hand you the baby back. Every. Single. Time.

You either trust him or you don't.

Didimum · 13/12/2023 13:47

My DH is more risk adverse than me and is the more 'anxious parent'. My twins are 6 now, but when they were younger, I also got this from my DH a lot and it was very annoying and I found it quite insulting. They never once came to harm in my care, so his opinion of my parenting style was baseless.

I don't think it's reasonable to say it's just your personality. Time to actively make a change and stop doing this or at least dramatically reduce it.

Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:48

Thanks. Nice to hear I’m not alone! We did have the conversation but then earlier I said something and was like it was the 100th time when it really wasn’t. Maybe I’ll go to
my GP to see if it’s something I should be managing

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/12/2023 13:52

It probably is something you should try to manage or he won't ever want to look after the baby and he'll start to resent you

HotGirlInHell · 13/12/2023 13:52

I don't think it's a medical issue. You have the power to bite your tongue when you realise you're about to say something unnecessary. Just do it. And the more you do it, and nobody comes to any harm, it'll become the norm.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/12/2023 13:55

Do ask for help with your anxiety. It's not just your DH it will affect - think of how your child is going to cope with you micromanaging their life and being told 'be careful' all the time. From experience, it's tough being the child of an anxious mother.

Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 13:55

He has told you he it is making him feel, therefore he has an issue with it. I’m like you though so I get it, I have anxiety sometimes and that brings out a controlling side that drives my husband nuts. When I recognise I’m doing it, when he drops an irritated comment in after I’ve done it, I try to take responsibility and I do try to tone it down. Constant boundary violations do irritate other people.

Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:56

I’m hearing all the feedback so thank you.

there are brain fart moments too though. He was keeping an eye on her when I was cooking the other day and he came in with her because she was coughing, had a wrapper in her mouth. Then realised he left wrappers out last night just a few days after . I don’t know when to hold to my tongue or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:59

Thanks @Vroomfondleswaistcoat i do think it’s from my mum she corrects my dad a lot and would have always been big worrier as a child

OP posts:
Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 13:59

there are brain fart moments too though. He was keeping an eye on her when I was cooking the other day and he came in with her because she was coughing, had a wrapper in her mouth. Then realised he left wrappers out last night just a few days after . I don’t know when to hold to my tongue or not?

Are you me and my DH??? Also similar to my very lax DH. They say opposites attract 🤣🤣I do say something, it stops him thinking I’m the only problem in the relationship and in fairness he tries to change this too.

Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 14:01

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat i should probably figure it out before i pass it down to my little girl who is wonderfully fearless and confident

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/12/2023 14:04

GK1987 · 13/12/2023 14:01

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat i should probably figure it out before i pass it down to my little girl who is wonderfully fearless and confident

Yes, you really don't want it to start colouring your DDs behaviour. Or where she starts lying to you so you don't worry. But do get help from a GP or therapist, it's not your fault that you have anxiety like this, so you shouldn't be expected to manage the situation on your own.

takealettermsjones · 13/12/2023 14:04

It depends what you're pulling him up on tbh. The wrapper in the mouth thing I would say something - it he's not noticed, it's obviously a choking hazard. I've also pulled my DH up on things like coats in the car seat.

He has said the same sorts of things as PPs - you either trust me or you don't, here have the baby back/you do it then, etc. But I don't buy it. I think if they are real safety concerns that's a cop out and potentially weaponised incompetence.

So it all depends on what you're calling him out on imo.

easylikeasundaymorn · 13/12/2023 14:06

you say 'on the flip side' but you haven't given any good reason for doing it in order to then say the opposite! There is no justification for you being anything other than unreasonable other than your own "anxiety" which is an issue for you to manage, not an excuse to behave badly to other people.

he's not doing anything wrong
he will ask you if there is anything he needs help or advice with
you're clearly annoying/upsetting him
you accept yourself someone doing the same to you would be horrible

= yes YABU

ColleenDonaghy · 13/12/2023 14:07

If you're quite risk averse but your DH is more relaxed it will probably do your DD good to have both perspectives growing up.

Take a deep breath, remember that he's just as much her parent, and that he gets a say too.

Original poster
GK1987 · 13/12/2023 14:09

@takealettermsjones yes car seat is a thing, thinks she’s not comfy when straps done properly

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 13/12/2023 14:09

HotGirlInHell · 13/12/2023 13:52

I don't think it's a medical issue. You have the power to bite your tongue when you realise you're about to say something unnecessary. Just do it. And the more you do it, and nobody comes to any harm, it'll become the norm.

Exactly. There’s no need to medicalise your need to keep quiet, just do it. Hand the baby over and go off and do something else.

ManateeFair · 13/12/2023 14:10

GK1987 · 13/12/2023 13:56

I’m hearing all the feedback so thank you.

there are brain fart moments too though. He was keeping an eye on her when I was cooking the other day and he came in with her because she was coughing, had a wrapper in her mouth. Then realised he left wrappers out last night just a few days after . I don’t know when to hold to my tongue or not?

The thing is, though, this stuff just happens. Anyone could make that mistake. Babies find things and put them in their mouths; it's what they do. Childhood is full of these minor incidents. No parent is infallible.

Next time he leaves a wrapper somewhere, he'll think 'Actually I'll pick that up because DD tried to eat one last time'. He doesn't need to be pulled up on something he did days later that wasn't deliberate in the first place.