To think people only want to help when it's too late?

[namechanged789123]

I feel mentally broken to be quite honest. The exhaustion is unbearable, I'm feeling unwell and also heavily pregnant. Haven't slept for days due to young DC that just refuse to sleep a whole night through. I don't know how much more of it I can take.

I have a partner. He works full time as well as me, in a job which is not really flexible and is long hours. This is a discussion we've had but he believes he can't change much about it at the moment. I feel he's being quite unsupportive but that's a whole other matter. It's me who has to get up and do the school runs every single time I've been unwell and barely slept.

All I want is a full nights sleep and some time to myself. I'm afraid to ask for help for fear of being judged. I feel the expectation on me as a mum is to just get on with it. Which I have been doing, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where I physically cannot.

My mum is aware of how I'm feeling also but has not offered to help. My partner should be helping more, I know he should but I just can't get him to see it from my point of view.

I'm starting to feel desperate. Please is there anybody on here who could give me some advice?

I genuinely feel like I will get to the point of having a mental breakdown before anybody realises how I'm actually feeling.

I'm afraid to ask for help for fear of being judged

I mean this kindly, but you need to get over this fear and ask for help. What are you afraid of, that someone will hear that you’re pregnant and working full time with a young child and think that you’re a wuss for wanting sleep? Absolutely not.

Tell your husband that you need sleep and rest. Suggest to him that you take it in turns to be on duty for your younger child - whether you do half the night each or a night on and off, but the other person sleeps with earplug and an eye mask and is not to be disturbed, the other person gets up and deals with the night wakings. Then at the weekend he needs to take your child so you can rest.

Speak to your mum too - you said she hasn’t offered, but you have to ask her instead of thinking she can read your mind. Ask her if she’d take your child overnight or for a weekend or something.

basically, speak up, put yourself first and don’t feel badly about it

What would happen if you simply ask your DM for help? Did she help when your previous DC arrived?

My DM helps a lot during the week whilst I'm at work so I really avoid asking for any help on a weekend. Same with my MIL and I don't have anybody else to ask

I was like you. It got a whole lot worse before it got better, and it only got better because I finally asked for help.
Ask for help. Tell your DH that if he doesn't step up you don't know if you can cope. You need a night's sleep more than he needs whatever he's so involved with at work.
Tell your mum you need help. You need to sleep. You cannot care for your child and unborn baby safely when you are so sleep deprived.

Tell him that plenty of women and lots of men do a day's work on a broken night's sleep. During the day, you are looking after the children of the family and he is working. Unless he's a surgeon, being the working one does not let him off the hook of sharing parenting responsibilities at night when both of you are effectively off duty.

This is even more the case when you are about to break.

So you are too afraid to ask but also unhappy that people can't read your mind?
I am sorry, OP, but you need to start using your words. Please don't fall for the trap of thinking everyone can see how much you struggle. They don't.
I had a conversation with my partner about food shopping the other day. He genuinely believed that his once monthly trip to Costco is fulfilling all out meal needs and all I shop for is "vegetables". I think he genuinely thought we get by on 12 chicken breasts, a packet of ham and a bag of oats a month.

I feel the expectation on me as a mum is to just get on with it.

Broadly, yes. Offering help and support for most people has limitations. People who have small children and are pregnant whinging about being tired and stressed: yeah, I’m pretty unsympathetic because you did this to yourself. It’s a choice. Want to hear me whinge about my hangover and come help me sort my house out? Probably not.

Your “partner” needs to step up and support his family. If he doesn’t want to do that then he’s not a partner and the better option is to have a think about what he really brings to your life (and it begs the question of why you keep having children with an unsupportive and uninterested man.) I’m betting your mum is well aware of his shortcomings and is fed up of having to try to fill in the gaps.

Ask. Ask your mum, your MIL, your partner.
Ask friends, neighbours.

Are your children in nursery? Can anyone locally recommend a babysitter or a childminder?

Make a list of all the stuff you're having to do and pick off items - can someone deliver a meal? Take the kids for a few hours if not the day? If easier can they watch the kids at your place and you sleep at theirs?
Service wash at launderette or get one of the services that does pick up and drop off? Cleaner?

Can you afford to pay for support to make day to day life easier eg cleaner, dog walker, nanny / au pair?

Or start your maternity leave early?

Or, focus on addressing DC sleep pattern. Everything is easier when you're getting enough sleep

You say that DM and MIL help a lot mid week. That's more family support than most people get. I'm not sure you can expect them to help at weekends too

Hang in there. It'll get easier

Also - have you considered a sleep consultant? It was life-changing for friends of mine.

I'm not going to ask DM or MIL for help. I don't expect them to. Addressing DC sleep pattern isn't easy either, he's autistic so it's a whole different ball game than a NT child if I'm honest.

I know I'll be fine. Just having a bad day. Hopefully I can get some sleep soon, that's all I need

Make a list of all the stuff you're having to do and pick off items - can someone deliver a meal? Take the kids for a few hours if not the day? If easier can they watch the kids at your place and you sleep at theirs?

@Whataretheodds I'd do any of those gladly for a friend in crisis eg suffering poor health. I wouldn't be too impressed to be asked to compensate for an unsupportive partner

Your partner is the one who needs to step up here. They are his DC!!!

We have a 2 yo who isn’t a great sleeper. Since he was old enough for cows milk/night weaned we have taken it in turns. One night on one night off.

I don’t understand how he is avoiding taking responsibility for his partner and DC. Does he have any involvement in bedtime? If not then that might be a good place to start, get DC used to bedtime with him and then get him to start doing night wake ups.

Tell him what you’ve told us here, you’re exhausted and heading for a breakdown if you don’t get more sleep.

Don't ask your DM or MIL (any DF or FIL about? it doesn't have to be females that help), it sounds like they do enough and it's not their place quite frankly.
Your grudge is with your partner. If he won't step up I'd consider calling it a day on your relationship. At least you'd get a break half of every week then. Threaten him with that at the very least.

It seems a lot of the problem is your lack of sleep. Understandable! I just need to have one bad night's sleep and I'm a wreck. I don't know how you are still going.

Could you get your child check out by a doctor just to make sure there is nothing going on that would prevent them sleeping?

What is their schedule like? See that DM isn't letting your child sleep too much during the day.

Speak to your GP about melatonin for your child, if it might be suitable?

I hope things get better for you very soon.

As PPs you need to tell people - ideally before you’re at the end of your rope.

You need help, so tell your partner and your mum today.

Your partner is the one who needs to step up here. He needs to take over the night wakings a few nights a week whilst you bed down somewhere quiet with a sleeping pill.

How long until you’re on maternity leave?

I don’t really have any good advice but I can definitely relate. My son is 6 months old and my parents haven’t helped us with him once. I know he’s not their child and they’re not obligated to help. But these are the same people who accepted endless hours of free childcare from their own parents when my sister and I were little. I don’t expect them to help often, but I thought they’d offer every once in a while so I could have even an hour or so to myself, but no nothing. I never get a break. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in almost a year (didn’t sleep well during pregnancy either) and I’m exhausted. My DH helps when he can but he works long hours so it’s mostly me doing everything. It’s very frustrating at times. And I understand feeling like you can’t ask for help as you know it’s technically not their responsibility. But I do think asking for help is the only way. Maybe your family aren’t aware of just how much you’re struggling and if they did know they might offer to help more. I think it’s at least worth a conversation.

I've literally just broke down in floods of tears. I'm working from home so away from anybody seeing me. I feel so alone and down. Maybe it's just hormones mixed with tiredness, I don't know but I can't stop crying

Can you and your partner take it turns to have a sick day and just sleep?
I certainly think you need to do this - sleep deprivation is a form of torture so you must catch up.
Your partner cannot continue to abdicate responsibility because he has a job - you didn't have these children on your own and he owes you, and then, his help. Otherwise, what's the point of him?

What do you need your partner to do differently on a weekend? Focus on that. He chose to have another baby too, the two of you need to tackle the issues that are stressing you out so much. Can he take DS out for the day and let you sleep or at least rest properly? He’s the problem.

If a doctor or midwife said you absolutely needed rest would that force your partner to step up? Sometimes (god knows why) they need a third party or professional to say it before they can hear it.

Another piece of advice someone gave me is to explain to your partner that if he cannot help you will need to outsource it and pay for someone (whether that is childcare, cleaning, whatever will lighten the load) and either that goes ahead - winner - or they don’t want to spend the money and suddenly find some capacity to help.

I am sorry you are feeling like this - it is entirely understandable. Exhaustion is absolutely brutal and you need some respite, apart from anything you cannot be there for your kids if you are pushed to breaking point.

What does your partner do for a living OP? Is it a job where he would be putting others/himself at risk if he had a night's broken sleep eg. surgeon, pilot; or a high performance job where one bad day could ruin you eg. pro athlete, financier with £billion+ portfolio? If not, then he really ought to do his share overnight. Broken sleep makes you feel ugh (as you know...!) but it doesn't prevent you from working, especially with practice you build up tolerance to it.
I'm a SAHM, my husband still does his share overnight. Especially when I was pregnant with DC2. It's rare for either of us to sleep through.
If your partner is just not able to help (because he's a pilot, athlete etc) then you need to look into bringing help in, such as an au pair or daily cleaner. Your health is 100% worth the expense. You need your sleep and your strength - the whole family will suffer if you're not well

So tell them.

DH I'm on the brink of exhaustion. I know you work hard too, but I'm worried I'm putting the baby at risk too. You're not in work tomorrow. I need you to have the kids. I need to sleep. I'm going to Mom's / hotel. I just need one night.

Mom, I'm on the brink of exhaustion. Can you possibly come down on X day and do X / help me with Y / look after Y. Can I sleep at yours on Bday because I need sleep.

How long you got left op?