Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the anticipation of gifts from DH

59 replies

SheWasYar · 13/12/2023 09:29

25 years of it.
The tiny secondhand engagement ring (not keen after burglars went through mine & my mum's stuff)
After a physically tough year renovating, he wrapped the new toilet pan, nothing else.
Nothing - he worked in London, I was at home with a 3&1 year old. After that year I stopped buying for his family.

Over 25 years there's been very little memorable and very little on the trivial end - chocolate orange, etc.
There was one outstanding crazy thing, that he accidentally walked past and bought 20 years ago, it's on our wall and he uses that as proof he's brilliant.

For years he spent a lot of time on his work secret Santas - eg. A company Guess Who, a complex product recreated in Lego, etc which just made the lack of effort, a few days later, for me, even more hurtful.

How can I get past the past, accept each new year as a fresh start?
Am I being unreasonable to hate the idea of a gift from DH? How the fuck can I make this better in my head on the build up to Xmas & birthdays and as an example to my kids and for DH himself.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 09:31

Does he know how you feel?

MrsKwazi · 13/12/2023 09:31

So your husband is a inconsiderate and more than a bit shit.
You are asking how you psych yourself up for another year of disappointment?

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:33

Send him a list. Some people aren’t good at presents.

CharlotteRumpling · 13/12/2023 09:35

Send him a list of 15 things and ask him to buy 3 or 4 so you are surprised.

My DH has zero material needs - doesnt want any presents- and can't anticipate mine, so I do this.Though last few years I have asked for theatre tickets, which he manages very well.

MatildaTheCat · 13/12/2023 09:37

After 25 years it’s been long enough to stop hoping and start either sending him a clear list or buying for yourself and giving it to him to wrap. It’s martyrdom to sit wondering how disappointed you’ll be.

Tell him in clear terms you don’t want random shit but any of these options would be lovely.

Catza · 13/12/2023 09:43

No shame in asking for what you want. Some of the very sensible presents I asked for in the past included: a new bicycle saddle, a set of expensive bicycle lights, some printmaking rollers, a few books I wanted to read, a posh PJ set, an expensive bottle of port. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but it was all useful things that I didn't want to pay for myself.
I am getting my partner a pregnancy pillow this year. Again, something people would raise their eyebrows at but he has arthritis and struggles getting comfortable when sleeping. Not romantic but will make a world of difference to him.
Someone in a different thread said a caffettier and a cheese grater were not acceptable gifts. These would be perfect for me, actually.

CalistoNoSolo · 13/12/2023 09:46

Well you set your bar way too low from the outset. And you chose to have children and stay with him for 25 years. I don't understand what you want from this thread. Your H obviously doesn't value you enough to buy you thoughtful gifts, or even ask what you want, and I doubt very much he's a stand up guy in every other area. He won't change so you either put up with it or change yourself. That could be divorce, or it could be ceasing to care (which will probs end in divorce).

SpacePotato · 13/12/2023 09:53

He is clearly capable of thought and effort when he wants to impress others. Just not when it comes to you.

Have you ever pulled him up on it? Asked him to his face where your nice gifts are?

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/12/2023 09:53

Why do you put up with it? Give him a list. If he still fails to produce a nice gift for you, then you have to decide whether it's a sign of complete disdain for you and your feelings.

I once said to my (now very ex)H - "so this is what you think of me? this is the effort that I am worth?" and divorced him.

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 13/12/2023 09:58

I buy my own gifts and give them to dh to wrap. We have been together for over 25 years but he still has no clue. That said, he genuinely wouldn't care if I gave him nothing at all for Christmas. I buy all the presents for everyone else and this year I am fed up with it, I have changed jobs so have much less time.
Either write a list or buy yourself gifts and ask him to wrap them.

Original poster
SheWasYar · 13/12/2023 09:58

Thank you, very useful particularly the word ' martyrdom ' it does feel like I've been stuck there.

It's a time of change, kids finally all at uni, time to reframe for the future.
I have bought two lots of tickets for next year - printed them out for hanging around on Xmas.
It helps for the inevitable family & friends 'what you get for xmas' question.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 09:59

You still haven't answered the question. Does he know how you feel about this?

JimBeamCoke · 13/12/2023 10:06

What sort of thing do you get him as presents? Usually when someone buys you something more thoughtful or expensive than you have bought them in return then there is some sort of comment. What does he say?

susiedaisy1912 · 13/12/2023 10:07

Have you actually spoken to him about this op?

Runnerduck34 · 13/12/2023 10:07

He wrapped the toilet pan!! Wtf!
Send him a list with links.
My DH isn't great at presents, it can be hurtful.
Especially when youve bought for him, DC and family and they haven't put any thought in effort in buying gifts for just one person ( you!)
To save disappointment I now send DH a list with links and am clear about what I would like and my expectations.
This is double edged as it would be nice to have a thoughtful surprise gift, but from experience the likelihood of that happening is low to non existent so if you are in same situation send a DH a list with clear instructions and stop hoping he will take a hint.

Gingerbee · 13/12/2023 10:09

What do you get him? How about a toilet seat for his Christmas!
Actually, we don't do a great deal of presents for each other on Christmas. Make more of an effort for our birthdays.
Every year he sponsors two children through Action Aid in my name.
I donate to local charities and the RNLI in his name as our main Christmas presents to each other.
Presents to unwrap are rather mundane.

Give him a list.

Northsideoftheriver · 13/12/2023 10:22

Being the tit for tat, spiteful bitch that I am when provoked, I would gift wrap a loo brush for him and make sure it matches the toilet pan.

Original poster
SheWasYar · 13/12/2023 10:23

Does he know how I feel?
Yes, but after 25 years that's basically all the emotions. If I say I don't look forward to Xmas, he gets sad, angry guilty. He also has has 25 years worth rolled in.
I've told him in the past it doesn't have to be fancy, expensive, original, unique it's just a thing, wrapped for surprise, that is delivered on a set day.
He gets angry and then guilty and resentful that the magical perfect gift doesn't mysteriously just appear, hence the nothing or it misfires like the lavoutry pan. . He's dismissive of the time and planning that goes into Christmas, his mum does a lot, even still and possibly he just doesn't see it as a man thing, he doesn't see it as a human thing.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 13/12/2023 10:28

Tell him not to bother his clear lack of effort hurts. So please don’t bother.

do you get gifts from others?

Buy yourself nice gifts wrap them up and have something nice to open on Christmas morning.

Teddleshon · 13/12/2023 10:29

I buy my own Christmas present from DH using his credit card. He seems to be frozen in terror by the idea of coming up with present ideas and is generally incompetent at facilitating their purchase. He still buys me some small presents but the main present is now something that I really really want.

Ponoka7 · 13/12/2023 10:36

Did you ever point out the effort for the secret Santa? We don't do adult gifts, when I've had partners we've given each other a list. I'm not good at gifts, even for my children etc. There's nothing that I want. It's been a communication issue, as much as anything. Did he start buying for his family when you stopped? What was that like?

possiblenow · 13/12/2023 10:38

I don't understand why you can't clearly and specifically tell him what you would like and are expecting for Xmas?

There is Amazon and online shopping. Send him links if necessary.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are fully expecting gifts - that it's not unusual or too much to ask. Tell him very clearly that he needs to change in this respect or that's it.

WildFlowerBees · 13/12/2023 10:41

Send him a list and tell him to pick something, then you know you're getting something you want but it's still a surprise.

Frasers · 13/12/2023 10:41

I never get the martyrdom and angst about gifts, I really don’t. If you want something send a link. End of.

DuploTrain · 13/12/2023 10:42

Me to DH: “what are you getting me for Christmas?”

DH: “what would you like?”

Me: “I’ll send you a link” or “x thing from y shop”.

I find it hard to comprehend that this is just an isolated present issue and everything else is fine in your relationship. You seem to be holding a lot or resentment… I’m not saying it’s unfounded resentment - maybe you should pay more attention to it and address whether you’re actually happy with the way things are.

Swipe left for the next trending thread