To hate the anticipation of gifts from DH

[SheWasYar]

25 years of it.
The tiny secondhand engagement ring (not keen after burglars went through mine & my mum's stuff)
After a physically tough year renovating, he wrapped the new toilet pan, nothing else.
Nothing - he worked in London, I was at home with a 3&1 year old. After that year I stopped buying for his family.

Over 25 years there's been very little memorable and very little on the trivial end - chocolate orange, etc.
There was one outstanding crazy thing, that he accidentally walked past and bought 20 years ago, it's on our wall and he uses that as proof he's brilliant.

For years he spent a lot of time on his work secret Santas - eg. A company Guess Who, a complex product recreated in Lego, etc which just made the lack of effort, a few days later, for me, even more hurtful.

How can I get past the past, accept each new year as a fresh start?
Am I being unreasonable to hate the idea of a gift from DH? How the fuck can I make this better in my head on the build up to Xmas & birthdays and as an example to my kids and for DH himself.

Maintain a list of things you would like, explain to him where to access the list, and make clear that you would like him to get you something from the list (and the list only) for your birthday and on Christmas. If he still doesn't bother then you have bigger problems, but my guess is that if there is a clear process he will follow it correctly.

@SheWasYar
Do you sit him down and compare what he does for this for you, with what he does for work people as you said earlier?

And explain clearly that if he can think and do all that for work and not for you, he shows he can do it but just doesn't care about you enough?

Like expressly and detailedly spelling it out to him? Even if he gets angry?

How can I get past the past, accept each new year as a fresh start?

Why would you try to do this? Set yourself up for more disappointment?

Why do you think you can "model" present giving to him after 25 years of him not bothering?

possibly he just doesn't see it as a man thing, he doesn't see it as a human thing.

But you said he makes an effort for work secret Santas ie when he wants to impress.

His behaviour in getting angry is awful. He doesn't sound like a decent man. What is the rest of your relationship like?

Agree not to do gifts? We only do tiny token gifts, like, a notepad or a chocolate orange. We don't really do Christmas presents (but we do birthdays).

Agree that with him and then buy yourself a treat as a consolation prize for having picked a slightly thoughtless DH.

How can I get past the past, accept each new year as a fresh start?

Why would you be trying to do this? Tell him how you feel - not your generic "not looking forward to Christmas" but specifically "it disappoints me that you put so little thought and effort into a Christmas present for me, especially when you spend time and effort on activities for work. Here is a list of the kind of things I would love to receive from you, and here's a couple of things to avoid.".

Is he kind, considerate, thoughtful in other ways? Does he make you happy at least some of the time? If so and you do want to stay together, I'd just change the whole situation to avoid the suspense/disappointment etc.

Let him know you don't need to do gifts for each other anymore. Sit down and agree an activity/holiday/weekend away etc that you will both "give" each other (paid for jointly) for each event. Make it in the middle of your birthdays if possible. Then (very important) stop any buying gifts for him, even small ones, and just do the fun event/holidays.

My DH is hopeless at present buying. For my 60th he suggested going on a trawl of local antique shops so I could choose something. Nice idea but there are no local antique shops! So I gave him a list - with links - of 20 or so different things that he could choose from so my present was surprise anyway.

Two years ago for my birthday he gave me a set of 3 scented candles from the supermarket, the next year another scented candle - a larger one of the three from the previous year! For the past few years we have made large purchases for the two of us but this year I have told him to find me a present (and told him exactly what I want and where to find it!)

Yep, I'm 24 years in with this type of bollocks from DP and it never ends.

One year I didn't write a list and I didn't really get anything apart from chocolate and a pair of 'sexy' leggings that were too small and more of a gift for him anyway. Another year he went out and panic bought some expensive toiletry sets which I am allergic to and never use which went straight to the charity shop.

I always get excuses such as "I didn't have time/you didn't say" but I always find the time to plan, execute and gift things that I know DP would like. He asked me for a list last month which I duly did provide and asked me if I wanted his - I said no because I had already got things that I knew that he wanted.
So who knows what I've got this year but he will open gifts that he will be very pleased with. He will always feel guilty at falling short/lack of effort but it doesn't actually change anything - he will put on his hair shirt and berate himself for being useless but never actually does anything about it.
Fucking shite is what it is and I lose a little more respect for him - every time.

How have you still got any respect left after 24yrs of it?

These threads are so depressing; it's not hard to buy a present for someone - there's really no excuse for it- just thoughtless inconsiderate behaviour from a man who's supposed to love you

Dp asked what I wanted so I sent him a list of about 20 things said take your pick! Still a surprise as I don’t know what I’ll end up with but know it will be something I want or need. One thing I know he’s got me is a new casserole dish- one I’ve had my eye on for while. Benefits the whole family including him but it was a want of mine!

Yet he manages it very well for Secret Santa at work. That's the bit I'd find hurtful - he knows how to choose presents for an individual person, and he's capable of doing it thoughtfully for colleagues, but chooses not to do so for his wife.

Even couples who don't really want Christmas presents and agree to buy things "for the house" for each other, take the trouble to buy decent things. Not wrap up a toilet pan. That's a really stupid thing to do.

I had a firm word with my DP this year, he normally rushes around a day before birthdays/christmas/anniversaries and panic buys a load of shite.

I told him this year that if he was going to do that for me (and every other person he buys a gift for) then not to bother because it's a waste of money, and it's quite hurtful to be a last minute thought.

He's already bought and wrapped all gifts 2 weeks ahead of Christmas which I'd say is a win.

I will caveat that with the fact that I did give him a list of ideas for myself and family to help him as hes generally not great at choosing things.

I would really like a new necklace this year from my dp so I found a few I like and sent him the links and I will get one of those - so he has still chosen but from an 'approved' list!

It's not all that romantic I guess but I don't get presents often and I don't buy myself jewellery so this is how I guarantee I get something I really want.

Before I started specifying, he got me a coffee machine, which is great and we use it a lot...but WE use it a lot...it wasn't very personal!

Last year I said I'd like some hoop earrings and he got me some beautiful ones from a very expensive jewellers but I think this is because he panicked...I would have been perfectly happy with some for 1/4 of the price!

So yes, this year it has been links!

I feel sad that your life partner doesn't know you well enough or respect you enough to put a little effort in. There's getting it a bit wrong (coffee machine) and there's getting it VERY wrong (toilet pan).

I’m not sure even giving him a list will solve this- it’s the lack of care or effort when he’ll put a lot in for a work colleague that is hurtful. But at least if you tell him what to get you’ll have something you actually want.
I feel quite hurt if my DH gets it wrong but I know his intentions are good. Last year he had got me thoughtful birthday gifts and ran out of ideas and for Christmas gave me the same ridiculously expensive smellies he buys his mother which are totally not my thing and I suspect he got some 2 for 1 deal and thought that’ll do

I got the same presents every year from my husband: A CD, A Book and a pair of slippers - oh and one year he bought me a blouse which was horrendous and when I asked him why on earth he thought I would like it, he said he bought it because it was non-iron 😳ha ha ha. I gave up then and started to send him a list. Now we don't bother buying presents for each other - we have been married 46 years now and we just have a good laugh over those times. We do however always go away early January so we view that as our present to each other. Just relax, enjoy the day and either pretend you like your present or give them a list beforehand. Some men are pretty useless but it doesn't mean that they are horrible, uncaring arseholes who don't care for you and who need to be given the boot.

Buy him something YOU want! That cured my DH for a few years. Or give him a list, which is what I do now.

Some people are just shit at present buying! I've done four really cool ones in my 40 odd years, but inspiration doesn't visit me too often. And i'm crap at normal presents invariably gives a voucher

DH and I don't buy Xmas gifts as such because if we want something through the year we'll buy it after discussion.
He does get a crap sack (which is a family tradition) which is made up of inexpensive knick knacks - chocs, little useful bits and some fun things too.
He has once in a while - well okay - twice in 22 years bought me Gucci jewellery and Dolly Parton tickets which were fully appreciated for the effort not to mention the surprise!!

My DH is terrible at present buying, and it hurts my feelings. I get it.

I buy myself things ahead of special occasions now, to take the edge off it.

We tried the 'let's just buy something together for the house' approach for a couple of years, but it was just a cop out for him and more work for me, who would inevitably organise this 'joint' gift for us both.

I do everything for Christmas. I am literally the only person he needs to buy for.

A few days ago I told him we're not doing a joint gift and I have already organised a present for him. I have a 50/50 shot of getting anything back.

I received a bag of cheap black socks for my birthday this year.

I don't know what the answer is really.

I send DH links to what I want; in my whole relationship experience I’ve never had decent gifts from men and I’ll often have seen things I do like so I make it much easier and just send him links. I think it’s silly to keep expecting it to change.
However I would put similar effort into his present as he does to yours.

Every man is capable of walking into Boots and buying a bottle of perfume or a gift set. He has no excuse.

Yep-women should buy their own presents. Ridiculous to expect men to do it. It's like housework-their penises get in the way....

Fock me, the bar is low!

Why would you even be trying to put up with this or cover for him with printed out tickets?! This is ridiculous. "DH is crap with presents so I bought myself tickets to see X." Done.

And with the kids going to uni, like fuck I would put up with this. 25 years?! I took two years of it from DH and blew up, the things I do, the children I birthed and keep alive on a day to day business, MH nearly sent off the deep end because I'm trying to keep it all together while he isn't here and I'm just supposed to put up with any old shit?! Like fuck I will. Fathers Day and his birthday were forgotten about after that and he learned his lesson very fucking quickly.

Blow up or leave. They are your options.

Some people are good at presents, some are not. One day, I'd like to get a birthday card that doesn't come from the drawer I keep stocked. However I know that I have a choice - either say so (preferably two days before the day, so DH/DD have time to go to the shop but not to forget), or just chuckle to myself about it. I've opted for the latter.

I do agree that the Secret Santa thing is galling, but bear in mind that Secret Santa is a bit different, because being creative is not the same as getting something someone will actually enjoy beyond the "how clever". Who is actually going to play the Guess Who? What actually happens to the lego model? Freed from the "will they like it/use it", it's easier to come up with an idea that will amuse everyone. I suspect you'd rather have something you'll actually use.

Give him a list...

Lots of good points, read every thing twice

• yes, creative fun is different,
• an alternative reality me is living a strong divorced life with an amazing career, kids 50/50.
• the bar is pathetically low and still a problem if you try to climb over with a penis. Unlike the bar for media and engineering which is designed as a pole vault situation.

It does hurt feelings so I think this is it after this year. I'm done trying to model good behaviour for the kids to value everyone with wrapped presents.
Perhaps as a society we are moving past this. Both sets of our parents will be horrified at a lack of 'gifting'. Both are stuck in a 1950s vision, bows in presents, jewellery for events, houses stuffed with ornaments, women doing all the mental & mostly physical work in preparation.
Having Just house cleared a dead relative I'm feeling really brutal about stuff. Hate cleaning, storing, moving it, curating it, caring about it, it can all fuck off.

So maybe before Xmas, I'm going to talk to everyone about how we go forward. Try and get everyone on board. And I think it will be a no to gifts, a no to stuff, including vouchers and father Xmas.

I do have one last gift for my husband, not for me, I never bother but can't wait to see his excitement when he unwraps a new ironing board.