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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad about party

52 replies

Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 07:45

Hi everybody, my daughter is 9 years old , and we live abroad ( I’m from U.K. ) she goes to a school where the local language is not the first language spoken by the kids eg They might speak English or German etc ( so basically they concentrate on learning French ) to get the kids up to a good standard. DD is a very polite and kind little girl , she’s an only child ( ivf ) she is still quite young in some ways , as opposed to some girls in her class who have phones and go to places on their own without their parents. Anyway this morning whilst going to school she told DH that one of the girls in class is having a birthday party today and that the other girls were going but she isn’t invited , even though she gets on with this girl . DD tends to play on her own a bit , but the teacher said she’s not worried as she is friendly and popular . The thing is there’s only ten kids in the class 5 boys and 5 girls . I just feel really sad as she said “ i would have loved to go , but it’s ok ..” she is a bit shy and I do take her to two groups outside school to try and help with that . Hope I don’t sound entitled but I couldn’t leave one little girl out .

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 13/12/2023 07:53

That's sad, poor girl. She sounds very mature to have responded so well. It was mean to leave one out (I'm usually a supporter of you invite who you want, but one exclusion in such a small class is mean, especially with no issues).
I'd take her out for a treat or do something nice together to take her mind off it. Would she fancy a play date with anyone soon? Maybe someone from one of her groups?

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 13/12/2023 07:55

The parents of the other child are completely in the wrong. I’ve had times where my child wanted to do something nice for two children in a situation where there were three in the group - I made her do something nice for the third child as I explained to her how being left out would make the other child feel. It’s about teaching your child kindness and empathy, which these parents have completely failed to do.

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 07:56

You can’t be sure that she’s the only one left out despite her saying so.

And have you invited any of them over?

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:01

Thank you , although young in some ways she is also quite mature in others , I will do something nice with her today as they finish at 12 .

OP posts:
Porageeater · 13/12/2023 08:03

Aw no that’s a shame. I agree do something nice with her.

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:03

You don’t mention whether you have invited any of the 4 girls over before?

DontGoGran · 13/12/2023 08:05

I was invited to a party aged 9 so I wasn't the only girl left out (only 11 people in our class in total - all girls), thing was that I was left out anyway. The other girls all went to play without me, deliberately left me out at the party and my party bag was filled up with leftover Halloween decor (think rubber spiders and black nail polish) whilst the other girls got to sit and play salons with their party bag gifts of pastel nail polish, stick on earrings and hair tinsel. The Mum seemingly didn't notice and assumed I wasn't feeling well so didn't encourage the others to let me join in.

If she's not going to be included at the party either, don't make a big fuss and force the other parent to let her go. I felt more miserable there than I would have just not going in the first place.

Bearbookagainandagain · 13/12/2023 08:07

Is there another school she could go to next year? She might find it easier to make friends with a bigger group of children, it must be really hard to try and fit in with such a small class if you don't click immediately.

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:13

The thing is I don’t know any parents as she normally goes on a bus as there are kids from several villages that get picked up , but once the teacher did suggest giving our number to one of the kids for a play date and she would pass it on , she did but the other parent never called. I think also that some of the girls were in the school last year and have established friendships . I won’t make a deal out of it and we will do something nice , I have always taught her to share and be kind and her teachers said it is a pleasure to have her in the school . Il also try again to arrange them coming over

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:17

there’s only 4 other girls in the class

is there no interaction at all between you and the parents? how long has your daughter been at the school?

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:17

@DontGoGran That is awful , kids can be so cruel .. I’m sorry that happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:18

Bearbookagainandagain · 13/12/2023 08:07

Is there another school she could go to next year? She might find it easier to make friends with a bigger group of children, it must be really hard to try and fit in with such a small class if you don't click immediately.

No unfortunately , until she reaches the required level of French , she can’t go to a mainstream school

OP posts:
Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:25

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:17

there’s only 4 other girls in the class

is there no interaction at all between you and the parents? how long has your daughter been at the school?

Edited

She has been invited to some of the boys parties and we have briefly met parents there but strangely none of the other girls were there I know one who was invited but didn’t go.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:27

how long has she been at the school?

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:27

what did the boys parties involve?

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:33

She’s been at the school about a year the boys parties were in a pizza restaurant and a bowling alley where the parents had arranged food and games etc

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:36

Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:33

She’s been at the school about a year the boys parties were in a pizza restaurant and a bowling alley where the parents had arranged food and games etc

why don’t you arrange a pizza and bowling get together with the 4 other girls? maybe say the parents join too?

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:40

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:36

why don’t you arrange a pizza and bowling get together with the 4 other girls? maybe say the parents join too?

Show quote history

We could ask but maybe not so near to Christmas , I will have a think .

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 08:40

yes i think in this scenario you need to be pro active

Original poster
Tenero2311 · 13/12/2023 08:43

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 13/12/2023 07:55

The parents of the other child are completely in the wrong. I’ve had times where my child wanted to do something nice for two children in a situation where there were three in the group - I made her do something nice for the third child as I explained to her how being left out would make the other child feel. It’s about teaching your child kindness and empathy, which these parents have completely failed to do.

I agrée i have always taught my DD to share , be kind and ironically Ihave always said if you ever see a child left on their own , go and say hello as it isn’t nice to feel alone. I’m sure she will be fine , I think I was more upset than her as it’s not something I would do Thank you for the reply

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 13/12/2023 08:45

Poor DD, but do try and encourage play dates.

Mariposista · 13/12/2023 09:08

Bless her. She sounds very lovely and mature for a 9 year old.
1 year is a very short time to be at a school and especially if you cannot interact with the other parents, the local language isn't your own, you live far away etc. And as you say, a lot of kids are way more streetwise overseas than in the UK. Definitely have a special treat together, get her involved in clubs and in the new year make a point of doing a bit of networking. It is very hard though. Not sure where you are living but in other cultures, friendships even between adults are very different. You don't automatically get invited to other peoples' houses.
And sadly, getting left out happens to most at one point in life... especially among girls it seems.

User13579367337 · 13/12/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t straight away put it down to malice. I did it myself 2 years running just out of accidental ignorance. My dd has a class of 30, there’s 21 boys and 9 girls! I didnt even realise the numbers because my heads up my arse 99% of the time, especially on the school run. In year 1 and 2 my DD’s party was in a soft play centre and there had to be a minimum of 8 kids, it’s bloody expensive so I paid for the minimum of 8 and had my dd choose 7 of her school friends to invite. There was 1 girl she didn’t really play with so she got left out both times. Given your circumstances there could be all sorts of reasons why your dd might not have been invited

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 16:41

User13579367337 · 13/12/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t straight away put it down to malice. I did it myself 2 years running just out of accidental ignorance. My dd has a class of 30, there’s 21 boys and 9 girls! I didnt even realise the numbers because my heads up my arse 99% of the time, especially on the school run. In year 1 and 2 my DD’s party was in a soft play centre and there had to be a minimum of 8 kids, it’s bloody expensive so I paid for the minimum of 8 and had my dd choose 7 of her school friends to invite. There was 1 girl she didn’t really play with so she got left out both times. Given your circumstances there could be all sorts of reasons why your dd might not have been invited

what about be other girl who wasn’t invited?

Trixiefirecracker · 13/12/2023 17:36

Both my children went to a very small village school and while they got excellent teacher time, it did them no favours friendship-wise. It can be very cliquey and there’s only a very small pond to chose your friends from so you If you don’t click with them then it’s really tricky and easy to be left out. However I would never, as a parent, ever not invite a child when the class sizes are so tiny.