Coffee then ghosted after leaving a job

[Lemons1571]

I have recently moved companies for a better role (think qualified law / finance / governance). I would like opinions on this pattern I’m noticing that to me is quite a recent trend (have changed roles quite a few times and only once had this before).

i have noticed this odd pattern that when people move on in this way, colleagues they were close to (as colleagues) are keen to meet for coffee and chat. One on one, not as a group. This happens, and both have an enjoyable time. Then despite me trying to follow up with a second coffee date a couple of months later, I am ghosted / batted away.

i also had this when I moved companies about 15 years ago! The colleague ghosted me for 9 months, suddenly got back in touch for a couple of meet ups which were good, then completely disappeared again!

I’m perhaps being dim but I don’t get it. If they don’t want to forge a friendship separate to work once one of us has left, why be keen and arrange the first coffee date? It’s as if it’s “one for the road” and then I’m not needed any more, unless I become useful in the future.

Lighthearted really. I have enough friends for this not to be an actual issue. But I’m intrigued and I’d love some opinions - presumable I just leave them to it. Is it a thing, or is it just life getting in the way (or does it depend on the person?)

I think a lot of peoples friendships are based on convenience. People at work, hobby, local neighbourhood. So when someone moves on the friendship declines.

They’re busy. You’re not around. You’re not close friends so something else & other people take your place. I struggle to find time to meet up with my closest friends, so whilst I’m happy to have coffee with an ex work colleague who isn’t a close friend I wouldn’t go out of my way to arrange it.

If you are describing them as colleagues not friends then it’s understandable these things fizzle out. It’s normal to not want to see a good colleague leave and arrange a meet up, but actually we are all replaceable in work, you enjoy your new job, they still enjoy their current work and life goes on. I think it’s just normal. Unless you have an annoying trait at these meet ups like going on about your wonderful new job too much or something similar. (Not saying you do, or that you think your job is superior, but we’ve all met these types!)

Work colleagues are not friends.
I used to think I had some really good friends at work, but it really is just proximity and spending all day with people. A few different jobs down the line and it's happened in every single one.
As soon as you leave, you'll barely hear from them again.
I think some people try, but it naturally fizzles out.

When you work 40 hours a week, when you're not at work you want to see "better" friends, or family, or have errands to run, or just relax. You aren't really bothered with Beth from Tesco who you haven't seen in a year.

It's normal I'm afraid. I'm currently trying to transition from being a friendly ex colleague to being a real friend with a woman I used to work with. I'm hoping it works out as I really like her and don't have many friends but I'm finding it's me who has to do the chasing if we're going to get together.
I think work relationships can feel really close at the time because you have a shared context and lots to talk about. Plus it can seem like the two of you against the world! But once that contact is gone you can find there isn't as much to the friendship as you thought.

In that sector, it is common to work a lot more than 40 hours a week. Free time becomes doubly precious.

I have had one colleague who ever became a lifelong friend. Another I married. The rest I wish well but I don't want them encroaching on my life, certainly not for eternity.

I think the term "ghosted" is used a bit too readily these days.
What you're describing is a fairly natural ending to a relationship based on common circumstances (work)
It's nice you met up for a coffee and caught up with the news, they don't want this to transition from a colleague relationship to a full-on friendship.
It sounds like they probably just have a busy life, it's not really personal but can sting a bit if you saw colleagues as close friends.

I'm not unsympathetic by the way I'm going through similar myself...I really thought we were more than colleagues but no.

All you can really do is get to know your new colleagues, great friendships take you by surprise sometimes.

As others have said- colleagues aren't friends. If you don't have an outside relationship when you leave, it's unlikely to continue once you have.

Are you sure it isn't just that people have busy lives.

There are so many people I would love to see but juggling family and work and a health condition means I rarely manage to get out at all, and often have to back out of agreed plans if my health flares. It's rubbish and even worse that I expect people do take it personally

Lots of friendships are situational. Lots of people working full time have very little free time to meet up, even for just a coffee, every few months. I tend to find a few people who I continue a WhatsApp relationship with long after we stop working together and very, very occasional meet ups (I’m talking once every 18 months -5 years). I’m lucky if I get to see my own sister or mother more than once every couple of months. It’s shit but when you work a lot of hours, have dc that need time, have a house to look after and have parents or other relatives who need time too and other friends you need to see then ex colleagues just slip down the priority list. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t enjoy your company.

Entirely normal. I think there's a weird transition period when you/a colleague leaves and a coffee for closure is part of that adjustment. After that things most often fizzle out.

I seem to manage to retain one friend from each place I've worked who I meet up with once or twice a year. Once you've got a handful of those it becomes a commitment in itself.

LinkedIn is quite good for ongoing, light touch contact in a professional way.

Have been on both sides of this situation.

It’s not about liking you less, or having better friends.

it’s just that life gets in the way. I was so close to colleagues in a former career and years later we still meet up occasionally, but it takes a lot of effort and it’s only really because I moved abroad, so was on leave when I visited and could fit round their schedule.

If I’d moved to another office across town, I’d never see them from one year to the next.

Id say most working parents maybe have one evening a weeknight free with lots of old friends to fit in. Weekends become a mix of family stuff and babysitting while other partner goes out, so realistically if you’re out one Saturday night a month with kids/ partner, you’re doing well!

But equally, if an old colleague/ friend got in touch after years of not meeting up, I’d be delighted to catch up for a coffee/ drink/ chat. Many that I never see, I still think of very fondly.

i think there’s sometimes an awkwardness thing as people almost expect there to be a reason to get in touch, so they might feel like a weirdo getting in touch if it’s not work related/ job-hunting!

I think when you have worked closely with people for a long while it's sometimes hard to end the relationship stone cold on leaving day. I find there is a kind of transitional contact phase where you do meet for a white etc and then it often fades as life moves on. I find these people, who you do still like very much, become Facebook and very occasional actual meet up friends.

The only lasting friendships I’ve made through work were made when I was in my 20s and early 30s, when I was young, single (mostly), and childfree, and the other person was similar. I think at that age, people are generally more open to friendships and have more time on their hands for socialising.

Everyone else are work friends that fall away on leaving or remain part of my professional network. With the latter, I’d meet for coffee or lunch very occasionally, but that’s about it, no contact the rest of the time.

Normal in my experience. As pps have said, these are likely to be situational friendships that do drift after someone leaves.

I’m only good friends with one person I used to work with, and that is because she lives reasonably locally and we ended up having DC at a similar time.

I actually had some great colleagues in my last job and some of them I considered friends. Used to go for coffee a lot at work, did some very supportive things for me, I was there for them, etc. When I was there I had one colleague who I considered a friend who then became my supervisor and when I moved departments wouldn't speak to me anymore.
Some of them invited me back for coffee a couple of years later after I left and it was lovely. All facebook friends as well. But there was no repeat, even though they said they'd love to. One friend completely gave me the cold shoulder after I left, and I mean cold. One who had invited me back wanted to go out for drinks, but somehow changed their mind and stopped replying.
Then the pandemic hit and I went through quite a rough time. Deleted Fb for my mental health which was enormously helpful. I've recently created a new account and a couple of those friends have declined my requests! It hurt so bad actually because I really like them.

The thing is, when I left, I did change quite a lot. My life is completely different and maybe they don't like me anymore? But in your case, I imagine that work friends/colleagues are often borne out of proximity and convenience.

Someone sent me a meme this week:

Not everyone at your workplace is your friend. Do your job. Get paid. Go home.

I had this once and still confused! Colleague i got on well with, i'm a bit of a self sufficient ice queen but we had a good time at work, sure. She was IN BITS at me leaving. Organised a party, gifts, cried the whole time. I was overwhelmed by it but went along. After leaving i tried to keep in touch, but she would only give one word answers or ignore. Months/years later i did a facebook cull and straightaway got angry messages about it!

Come to the conclusion i just dont understand the rules!

I have a couple of groups of ex colleagues and see each group a few times each year minimum. A few things occur to me here:

1. A group is more fun; arrange the catch-up for 8 of you, 5 will come, good time had by all
2. We have occasional WhatsApp chat as a group, it isn't all "meet up or you're not my friend"
3. Lower expectations; we don't try to meet every few weeks and if someone is busy then that's taken as it is, no implication that they don't like the rest of us
4. We have a range of skills and overlap, so some of us have worked together in multiple roles / with several of the same people; broader pool for chatting
5. Some in each group have known each other a VERY long time, which means others slot into a solid friendship core. A different colleague group stopped meeting, so my one friend who still turned up just merged into another group of friends as she knew 2 others anyway.

I have never regarded work relationships as friendships, so it is relatively normal to lose touch in my view. But I do get the oddity around getting back in touch. This happened to me recently. My last role (with current employer) ended badly ( won a grievance on discrimination, bullying and harassment) and I moved on to another role. My team literally cut me dead - countless emails from them over six months saying we "must" have a leaving lunch that never happened, then nothing. I get it - I was a good manager, but they didn't want to be seen to be "on my side" as they still had to deal with the bully. Then suddenly, a couple of weeks ago and two years later one of them emailed me to tell me that another one of them had just had a baby. I admit that my first reaction was to reply "Why get in touch now - is she expecting a present?" Why on earth they think I would be interested, I have no idea. I didn't bother to reply.

They probably want to get all the gossip.

Sometimes you learn more about people or from people after they’ve left than in all the years you worked with them.

I love meeting up for a coffee and a chat. But I just don't have much spare time to go around.

This is the norm. when you work with people you are in close contact with them all day long. Everyone makes an effort to get along. I worked closely with three other women for 10 years. We saw each other through births, deaths, marriages etc. After I retired I never heard from any of them again. In fact one didn’t even come into the office on my last day. It is unusual for a work friendship to outlast a move from the place of work. I have one friend I worked with 40 years ago but that’s all.

I doubt most people approach relationships with a plan: "I will have coffee but then deliberately not see them for several months as part of my nefarious plan to....slightly annoy them!"

Life just gets in the way and a lot of friendships are situational. It doesn't make them bad people.

Also, in lots of industries, it can be useful to maintain a network of former colleagues. I have a few former colleagues I am now genuinely friends with (helped situationally by the fact we live near each other) but I probably have 15 or so former colleagues that I have a drink/coffee with once a year either one to one or in small groups, sometimes because we are at same industry event or sometimes arranged as a standalone meetup.
It's still a valuable relationship to maintain - various opportunities have come up via this or they are useful people to run ideas past for feedback etc. Situationally we aren't going to be close personal friends but we still like and respect each other plus it is useful.

I think people feel sentimental as they are leaving, they feel a pre-emptimg of nostalgia, so they organise coffee with you, and feel a bit emotional about it, almost like hanging on to the memory before it fades.
Then time goes by, the memory does fade, and they move on