Coffee then ghosted after leaving a job

[Lemons1571]

I have recently moved companies for a better role (think qualified law / finance / governance). I would like opinions on this pattern I’m noticing that to me is quite a recent trend (have changed roles quite a few times and only once had this before).

i have noticed this odd pattern that when people move on in this way, colleagues they were close to (as colleagues) are keen to meet for coffee and chat. One on one, not as a group. This happens, and both have an enjoyable time. Then despite me trying to follow up with a second coffee date a couple of months later, I am ghosted / batted away.

i also had this when I moved companies about 15 years ago! The colleague ghosted me for 9 months, suddenly got back in touch for a couple of meet ups which were good, then completely disappeared again!

I’m perhaps being dim but I don’t get it. If they don’t want to forge a friendship separate to work once one of us has left, why be keen and arrange the first coffee date? It’s as if it’s “one for the road” and then I’m not needed any more, unless I become useful in the future.

Lighthearted really. I have enough friends for this not to be an actual issue. But I’m intrigued and I’d love some opinions - presumable I just leave them to it. Is it a thing, or is it just life getting in the way (or does it depend on the person?)

They are colleagues, not friends, and your shared point of interest is your work/organisation. When you don’t have that anymore the relationship tends to drift. I tend to keep the LinkedIn relationship and in a few cases, a Facebook relationship, and if something interesting comes up work wise (a job opportunity, pick their brains in an area where they’re an expert, get some info. on a competitor, etc.) then I’ll get in touch and vice versa. I did go out recently for Christmas lunch with 5 former colleagues recently and it was great, through we all have similar jobs in rival institutions so there was lots to gossip about!

The people who have left probably just get in touch to find out the gossip and want to hear how badly the place is doing since they left and how you are all struggling to manage without them.

If people get in touch for a coffee after you have left for better things then it's usually to find out if there are any jobs going at your new place. If there aren't, you probably won't hear from them again.

But did you contact them as well or did you leave it to them to contact you?

Former colleagues can become life long friends (or mentors or just people who are interested in your career and help you with interviews etc) if both are willing to make the effort.

The old adage about friends being for a reason, a season or a lifetime applies here. Once you take that connection away, unless you've built a relationship outside work already, it's unlikely to continue.

I guess people blur the line between being merely colleagues and actual friends so want to meet up as friends, but then realise what was bonding you together was your shared working experience rather than anything deeper. Then I suppose it’s out of sight out of mind.

This is so true.
One ex colleague used to organise meets ups for a group of us , and for about a year, but even these have stopped now.
Another cut everybody dead when she left.
Both still Facebook friends though.

Now when people leave and say 'stay in touch ' I just nod and smile, knowing full well - I'll never see them again

Colleagues are situational "friends", and rarely long haul friends, even if they live close by, and it's about having common interests outside work. I worked with a great team of 12 people for over 15 years and we were all made redundant during lockdown. We could only do online farewells and then all went our separate ways. An anticlimax for sure.

I meet up a couple of times a year with 2 of my former colleagues but we never talk about work, just our common interests. The others are FB friends but we all rarely post on there nowadays. Life moves on.

If you work in the same industry, I would see this as more catching up to keep the connection for work purposes along with wanting to catch up on any big changes since you’ve left, not wanting to be friends.

Every job I have had bar one there are people I have kept in touch with on a very ad hoc basis. We get coffee or a pint once a year or so to catch up on what’s happening in their life and work (probably 80/20 the latter). We get on but it’s mostly to keep that network. I wouldn’t describe them as friends, nor would they.

Or a lesson !

This is why I don't invest in any work relationships . I am pleasant and polite but don't over share as it's surprising just who knows who. Also I don't hesitate to stand up for my self or put overbearing colleagues in their place . As most people have said you are forgotten about when you leave and most co workers stay in touch for a while to be nosy . Let's face it , if it wasn't for Facebook you would never hear from most of them again . Many times I've been snubbed by ex colleagues in the street , ones that I thought were ok too . So it's just go in do the job go home .

It's normal. When someone leaves you miss them (although actually you start disengaging from when they announce they are leaving). You want to meet and catch up, which is great.

As time goes on, their place is filled by another person, and you get used to them not being there. If your friendship was solely workplace based, this doesn't take long. I've been on both sides of this many times, and I still feel fondly towards old work friends, but very few become out-of-work friends, and with those few it happened while we were still working together.

I think that once you move on from a job, you tend to have less to talk about with former colleagues, so it's natural that a lot of work friendships fizzle out when you move on. I think the first coffee catch-up is usually arranged because people are interested to hear about your new role and what it's like - which is natural. Once you've had a bit of a chat about the differences between your new place and your old place and how you're finding your new role, there might not be that much more to talk about, if it was a friendship mainly based around working together.

I have a couple of former workmates I see often and who I consider to be close personal friends; we all worked together well over 20 years ago. But other former colleagues I mostly just chat with on social media now and again.

Yes it fizzles out usually. I worked with two in 2008 we still do odd coffee its nice. But I found a school reunion mam it seemed to be a one off meetup. People are weird!

I left a job 5 years ago now, I meet with one of my ex colleagues once a month for coffee and every year before Christmas, I have a group catch up with the girls that still work there. It's this Sunday actually and I'm really looking forward to it. I don't see the others often (1 of them only at our Christmas catch up) but when we're together, it's like I never left.

I just left a job after 15 years with all the promises to keep in touch, with tears from some when I left. How many people have actually kept in touch? One. I tried to reach out to a few but it fizzled faster than a candle in the shower. I guess I should be grateful for the fun I had.

Probably on the look out for gossip or professional curiosity - is there a role for me?!?

Move on and forget about them

I think that's quite normal, in my experience. I only keep in touch with a few friends who I used to work with in jobs over the years.

Definitely this 👆

Maybe jealously is another factor if you have moved on to a better job with better pay ? And the coffee meet up to find out about the new role and if it's worth them applying for one too .

@RaininSummer Agree with this

It's painful to acknowledge that our friendly relationships with colleagues are largely down to convenience / proximity. We want to believe it's a true friendship. So, we meet once, for a catch up. And it's enjoyable. But not the same as seeing them daily. So, we don't feel quite so keen to see them again

I've seen and done this over and over again