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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider renting a property with my brother and his partner when we both have children?

37 replies

mrsfindlay · 13/12/2023 00:53

Basically, I'm trying to think outside of the box a bit. I'm a single parent to DD (14) and currently live in a small 2 bedroom private rented property, the rent is cheap for the area but I don't think this is going to last for much longer as neighbouring rented properties are continuing to go up. We've also been here years and I feel like we have outgrown the place and would like a change. Although I am saving for a deposit, there is no chance of me owning anytime soon. My brother and and his partner are in a similar position and have a DD (3) We've had many conversations about our housing situations and its been sort of light heartedly mentioned that perhaps we should all rent a house together. We'd need a 5 bed house as my brother and I both work from home full-time. We have been browsing and have found a few houses within our budget but I'vesort of been a bit apprehensive about the idea. We are all quite easy going and chilled out people and get on really well, and my brother's partner and I have a small etsy / craft business together. Am I crazy to think this could work? Do you think landlords would accept people in these circumstances? Plus, from a financial point of view, if we did go ahead, do you think it would be fair to split bills and rent entirely 50/50. Just to clarify, there would be 5 of us. Me and my DD (a bedroom each) my brother and his partner (they would share a room) and their DD (my niece) who would also have her own room. Then preferably a 5th office type room that we could perhaps share (on a rota basis) It's obviously non conventional and would be a big adjustment as it's just been me and DD for years, but I do feel like this could work. Has anyone else lived in this type of set-up? Any advice?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/12/2023 01:13

I wouldn't want to go back to the toddler years. You'd have to have the same opinion/strategies on parenting, especially teens and young adults. Would the issue of pets come up? If it came to it, would you both be on the same page as your DD having a partner/friends hang out in the house etc. You might be back to kids parties. What about you socialising as adults? Would everything have to go quiet when the little one is in bed for school? Or is this a short term plan? If so what if circumstances change and the other doesn't want the arrangement to end? I've known people to do it, but even as a cultural norm it's a bit stifling and a lot of compromising.

HeddaGarbled · 13/12/2023 01:18

I don’t see what the advantage is, except that you “would like a change”. I wouldn’t give up a cheap rental until I was forced to.

everyredsock · 13/12/2023 01:20

There will be lots of posters saying it's a terrible idea because this is mumsnet. However...I don't think it's awful but needs properly thinking through.
I get on very well with my family and DH and I have had times when my sister has stayed with us for long periods (months) and when we've stayed with my parents for months when we've had building work done. It's all been fine but there was always an end date. I think it could work for you if it's pitched as a way for you all to save money. EG, let's do it for one year and then review.
The office rota is important to work out properly and might easily become an issue - what about the times when more than one person needs to use the home office?
What about having guests over?
Once you've worked these things out there are lots of pros - pooled help with childcare, sharing cooking, company etc. But a con is that your bro and SIL need to consider is how they have couple time - which could be just chilling out the two of them in front of the tv or more intimate evenings.
So - not a terrible idea but everyone needs to be really honest about how these things will work beforehand. And then you need regular check ins. And you need a end date.

Original poster
mrsfindlay · 13/12/2023 01:21

HeddaGarbled · 13/12/2023 01:18

I don’t see what the advantage is, except that you “would like a change”. I wouldn’t give up a cheap rental until I was forced to.

It would be a nicer and bigger place, and actually if we were to split 50/50, would work out the same (or just slightly more) than what I'm paying now

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 13/12/2023 01:32

Plenty of families live together like this. Grandparents, parents, siblings, children. It's not unusual in a lot of countries, perhaps less common in the UK. But no reason to not do it.
The advantage, like you say, is a better property, more for your money.
The disadvantage would be clashing, disagreeing. You need to sit down together and have a frank discussion of important points. For example,
Are all three adults going to parent both children? If no, what happens when either child is doing something that annoys the other family, what is the tolerance limit? If yes, what if one of you tells off the child and the parent disagrees?
Division of household responsibilities.
Division of finances.
How will disagreements be resolved, with two of them but one of you having a say?

Original poster
mrsfindlay · 13/12/2023 01:32

Ponoka7 · 13/12/2023 01:13

I wouldn't want to go back to the toddler years. You'd have to have the same opinion/strategies on parenting, especially teens and young adults. Would the issue of pets come up? If it came to it, would you both be on the same page as your DD having a partner/friends hang out in the house etc. You might be back to kids parties. What about you socialising as adults? Would everything have to go quiet when the little one is in bed for school? Or is this a short term plan? If so what if circumstances change and the other doesn't want the arrangement to end? I've known people to do it, but even as a cultural norm it's a bit stifling and a lot of compromising.

Edited

You're right, there is all of this to consider. Tbh, my DD and I live very quiet lives, and do not partake in much night time socialising. Also, as I said, my brother and his partner are very easy going and would probably be their room soon after their DD is asleep. I think if it did happen then commual calender would be a good idea to make each other aware of potential guests to the house. Regarding toddler playdates and parties, i feel that I could absolutely tolerate this sort of thing (I love spending time with my niece and have always loved kids, it wouldnt bother me at all) Although feel like my DD would struggle eith this the most tbh (she's less patient than me and doesnt enjoy the company of small children)

I do have a cat, my brother and partner adore him / would be expecting him to come so I don't think that would be much of an issue (if accepted by a landlord) Thank you for raising all of these things, definitely things to consider.

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 01:36

Could you share a kitchen with another woman? That would be the testing point for me.

silvafishling · 13/12/2023 01:42

It's not for me but if it works for you go for it! Sorry don't have any other advice!

WaltzingWaters · 13/12/2023 01:45

I wouldn’t. I’d want my space and peace! Unless it were significantly cheaper I’d stick to my own place.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 13/12/2023 02:11

Also, discussion of bills. If one of you is a ‘oodie and 6 blankets to save money’ type and another is a ‘anything under 25 degrees and I’m freezing’ type, I can see serious disputes over bills - 5 bedroom houses can be very expensive to heat!

mammabee93 · 13/12/2023 02:19

Outside of the Uk, in many cultures it's normal for family to live together. Plenty of advantages:

  • often cheaper to run the house
  • never get lonely
  • shared childcare etc.

However, there's a lot to think about. I love my sibling but couldn't live with them as an adult.

It's hard for anyone to say 'don't do it' or 'go for it' as everyone is different and there will be a lot of factors which will make it great or make it awful.

Good luck whatever you decide !

Whataretheodds · 13/12/2023 05:44

I agree with all the PP and add that 1 spare room for all 3 of your to work from /take turns in working from seems ambitious. From where will you run the business?

pinkdelight · 13/12/2023 06:17

I couldn't. It's hard to live with people without getting on each other's nerves. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them but that would incline me to not risk messing with that rather than putting it to the test. If they're generally chilled, do you know how you'd deal with conflict? Siblings and a married couple could be a tricky test of loyalties for your brother and 3yo and teenager is no dream combo either. It seems like you won't get much out of it, you'll lose your own living space, kitchen and privacy, and for what? Your current situation sounds preferable to me.

Caspianberg · 13/12/2023 06:20

I don’t think it would work

I know many multi generational doing this, but it’s works as the grandparents own the house and their children pay all the bills basically. So no argument over who used too much electricity etc. Grandparents help with childcare after school as they want to as grandparents.

Most of these houses do however also have size to advantage, and are actually set up with basically two flats, and some communal areas so everyone have own kitchen, own living space, and door in between to close if they want privacy.

Would you want to be looking after 3 year old often? Or taking over cooking for 5? Or no quite evening for relax and teen homework

I think it can work, but your need more private space within the house

CluelessHamster · 13/12/2023 06:24

I don't think it would be fair on your DD as you say she likes a quiet life and doesn't enjoy the company of small children. Any three year old is going, understandably, to want attention from their big cousin and this could rapidly become a cause of stress for your DD going into her exam years.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/12/2023 06:27

she's less patient than me and doesnt enjoy the company of small children

That makes it a no imo.

You don’t want your DDs home being somewhere she hates going to because of the other people there.

WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 06:30

I can see it working in one way, but what does your child think and what is the back up plan if it doesn't?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/12/2023 06:32

Also any disagreements in the house would be difficult to resolve as there’s two of them and only one of you.

SpaceRaiders · 13/12/2023 06:39

If you otherwise get along fine and you’ve agreed the practicalities before hand, I can’t see how it wouldn’t work. I suggest a joint household account for rent/bills etc, you might want to work out meal plans, who will do the cooking on which days and also budget for a cleaner once a week! Have quarterly reviews of what’s working and tweak where necessary. And give yourselves the option of serving your notice at 12 months.

TheCurtainQueen · 13/12/2023 06:42

What happens if your brother has another child? What happens if you start dating someone? Would your brother get a veto on your boyfriend staying over or moving in?

Also, don’t underestimate the cost of running a 5 bedroom house compared to a 2 bed flat. The council tax will be significantly more and it will cost a small fortune to heat.

People talk about this being normal in other cultures but I disagree. In other cultures it’s usually multi generational living so there is a clear hierarchy. Usually the grandparents own the house and their offspring and grandchildren live with them. In those circumstances the grandparents are very much in charge and the others are living in their house. In the set up that you are describing there is no hierarchy so you’re going to need to agree rules on just about everything in advance.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 13/12/2023 06:42

I could see how this could work in a bigger space where your DD had more room.

I think you need to talk to her about it.

I do know a family who does this. Grandparents, adult children and grandchildren but the house is vast and they have a lot of spare space to shuffle everyone around in.

It's been great for the couple with younger children from a childcare perspective.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 06:46

A five bedroom house would be very expensive to heat. It's inevitable that there would be arguments about that when the big bills come in.

Why do you think your brother and his partner would spend their evenings in their own bedroom? Why would anyone do that when they had a living room?

I think it would probably be okay if it was just you and your brother in the house, or you and your sister-in-law, but they will want some time together and if there's just one living room, then that's not going to work out.

Redcar78 · 13/12/2023 06:50

I live with family, it's fine as long as there are 2 living rooms and you don't have to share a bathroom. Sharing an office doesn't sound great, I'd make a space for one person in the second living room, rotas are shit 💐

LickleLamb · 13/12/2023 06:51

I don't think a teenager really mixes well with a toddler unless they are very tolerant - would your DB and his partner make sure the toddler wasn't a nuisance or would they indulge them? Will they have more children?

A house with a separate Granny flat for you and DD might be better. Then you can share cooking/ childminding only if it suits.

throughgrittedteeth · 13/12/2023 06:51

From experience, the only thing I found difficult was when my DS (4 at the time) would have a tantrum. We were living 30/40 minutes from his school while we were with them so we were awake before everyone else and he would often get upset getting ready for school, which would wake everyone up.
The difference was I was staying with them, not a neutral home that we all contributed towards.