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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not attending Dad's wedding?

32 replies

Caribun · 12/12/2023 19:13

So my Dad is set to announce his fifth wedding.

Long story short, he's an absolute arsehole and I rarely spend much time with him as he used to abuse me as a child, but he's requested all of his children attend this wedding because it is for 'close family only'... I have a feeling this is because he's embarrassed to be having a fifth wedding so isn't advertising it! 🙄

He has always been particularly nasty towards me and I just don't want to put myself through an entire day of 'celebrating' yet another wedding with him, when I don't even think he has the capacity to love someone.

So would I be BU to tell him I have no intention of going when it is definitely going to cause massive arguments in the family? My brothers (who weren't treated the same way I was as a child) think I'm being unfair to hold onto the past and that I should just let it go but I don't see why I should pretend to play happy families any longer when I don't need to.

OP posts:
LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 12/12/2023 19:16

YANBU.

He is seeing the consequences of his actions. If you want to make things less awkward you could tell people you have a long-booked holiday, but you could also tell the truth if that works for you.

Either way, spend the day having fabulous fun with people who you actually care about and care about you.

heldinadream · 12/12/2023 19:17

I'm not usually this rude, but I'm tempted to say let them all swivel.
There, I said it!

WorriedMum231 · 12/12/2023 19:18

Your brothers are morons. Don’t go. And don’t speak to the brothers either!

MargotBamborough · 12/12/2023 19:18

I don't want to pry about what kind of abuse, but do your brothers know about what he did to you when you were a child?

If they do, I would be giving them very short shrift about telling you to let it go.

I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding.

RampantIvy · 12/12/2023 19:19

You could just not say anything at all, and just not turn up. You don't owe him anything.

Twazique · 12/12/2023 19:21

Do what ever is best and least stressful for you. If telling him why you are not going works for you then do that, if accepting the invitation then getting ill and not going is easier then do that. Put yourself first and don't think about his needs.

ShazzyG71 · 12/12/2023 19:24

Why put yourself through it? You don’t owe him anything! If your brothers decide to go then that’s their choice. Life’s too short to waste even a single day on fuckers!!
I got some grief when I cut FIL out of our lives! He was a vile nasty bully who tried to bully my 2 DS’s, big mistake twatface!
My husbands niece messaged me vile messaged over and over saying life’s too short! Damn right it is, too short to be putting up with that shite!!
Then lo and behold about 18 months later she cut him off too!

minou123 · 12/12/2023 19:25

Nope. Don't go.

It doesn't matter what your brothers think or say, this is your choice and your decision.
They've made their choice/decision and whilst they may disagree, they have to accept it.

If I was feeling brave, I may say something like
"I won't be coming to your fifth wedding. But don't worry, I'll make sure I'm available for your sixth one"

Original poster
Caribun · 12/12/2023 19:25

MargotBamborough · 12/12/2023 19:18

I don't want to pry about what kind of abuse, but do your brothers know about what he did to you when you were a child?

If they do, I would be giving them very short shrift about telling you to let it go.

I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding.

Oh yes, they know, they were there for some of it, although a lot of it was behind closed doors. Fortunately (if I can say that) it was 'only' physical and emotional, rather than anything else, if you see what I mean.

One of my brothers was much more aware as he was on the edge of it a bit more than the others (there's 5 of us, I'm the only girl) and he can see where I'm coming from, but doesn't want me to rock the boat and would prefer it if I just went along with everything and sort of pretended that nothing happened and it's all fine.

OP posts:
itsnotmeagain · 12/12/2023 19:28

Don't go. If you don't want a fall out say you'll go and then have food poisoning or a sickness bug on the day. This comes from someone with a similar abusive dad. I decided I wasn't going to suffer again so I make other excuses to avoid the drama.

FranticHare · 12/12/2023 19:30

Agree with PP, if you don’t want to rock the boat just have a convenient sickness bug.

Otherwise No is a complete sentence - and if anyone tries to talk you around either iterate you are not discussing it and change the subject.

I think I would go for the sickness bug option - no further explanations necessary.

FairFuming · 12/12/2023 19:32

I think you're being too polite about it. Why on earth should you go to your abusers wedding? And your brothers know he abused you and still think you should go?! I'd stop speaking to them too and block your father. He doesn't deserve to be in your life

MargotBamborough · 12/12/2023 19:32

Caribun · 12/12/2023 19:25

Oh yes, they know, they were there for some of it, although a lot of it was behind closed doors. Fortunately (if I can say that) it was 'only' physical and emotional, rather than anything else, if you see what I mean.

One of my brothers was much more aware as he was on the edge of it a bit more than the others (there's 5 of us, I'm the only girl) and he can see where I'm coming from, but doesn't want me to rock the boat and would prefer it if I just went along with everything and sort of pretended that nothing happened and it's all fine.

Show quote history

Oh well, sod the lot of them.

Don't have a big showdown, just kind of grey rock the situation. Say you won't be attending and if they say they're upset about it you say, "I'm sorry you're upset but I'm not responsible for making everyone else happy."

QueSyrahSyrah · 12/12/2023 19:37

Absolutely do not go, and to hell with your brothers too. If that's their attitude to him abusing you then frankly it sounds like the apples didn't fall too far from the tree.

BIossomtoes · 12/12/2023 19:39

RampantIvy · 12/12/2023 19:19

You could just not say anything at all, and just not turn up. You don't owe him anything.

That would be my approach. No drama.

WickedSerious · 12/12/2023 19:43

Tell him it clashes with the day you rearrange your fridge magnets.

EvilElsa · 12/12/2023 19:46

He used to abuse you. You don't need to ever see or speak to him again. Look after yourself op.

LifeExperience · 12/12/2023 19:48

Your brothers can pretend abuse is fine, if they want, but you do NOT have to accept it. Don't go.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 12/12/2023 19:54

Fifth wedding? And he's a nasty individual? Just don't go. Family isn't all that great when they're not nice people. You don't need any of them. If your brothers give you shit for it, I'd be tempted to cut them off too.

TItanicTea · 12/12/2023 19:57

'close family only'? So just the assembled reminders of his previous four failed attempts at married life waiting to greet Bride Number Five as she walks in? Hmm

YANBU.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 12/12/2023 20:02

I would be tempted to use this as the time to go no contact but I would also be tempted to make a point of it by responding to said wedding invite "dear dad, I will not be attending wedding number 5. You couldn't get it right the first 4 times so why bother again? You were an abusive father and never tried to make amends. I don't see any point in further contact but wish you well for divorce number 5!"

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2023 20:05

I think @ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd has nailed it!

Poppity3 · 12/12/2023 20:13

I’ve had similar issues and a similar family set up - I get teased for ‘misremembering’ nasty events that only I’m old enough to remember out of my siblings.

A bright ‘no thanks!’ is what I employ. No excuses and no reasoning. Dad's never asked why as he knows why I don’t want to play along with pretend happy families! None of my siblings have ever called him out on his affairs/awful life choices, I’m not keen on that conversation so keeping myself out of it is better for me and everyone else.

Greezynogreasy · 12/12/2023 20:24

Just don’t turn up on the day. Sorted !

The brothers weren’t abused but surely they have some empathy for you ?

If not, cut out all these toxic people from your life and you’ll be better off.

Genuineweddingone · 12/12/2023 20:38

I had this with my brother this year. It was assumed and I was verbally abused by other members of the family for choosing not to go but neither him nor his now wife speak to me and ignored me totally a few days beforehand so I stuck to my guns. We have no contact at all now, I have not met my one year old niece and people are possibly still talking about it but I have boundaries and I draw the line at going to the wedding of people who have treated me badly.

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