Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel slighted my in-laws only send birthday gifts for my DH?

38 replies

flippaflippa · 12/12/2023 08:52

Just this. I’ve no family of my own, which doesn’t help. They live abroad, I made up a large £100+ hamper for them last Christmas also, including items they requested, but we received nothing in return.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 12/12/2023 09:02

Well you've learned not to do that again.

DH can sort his own relatives Xmas and birthday from now on, will save you a lot of hassle.

I did get gifts from my MIL but they were all passive aggressive. She'd also complain that I'd forgotten one of his endless relatives birthdays.

I made it clear I'd resigned from that job, funnily her expectations of DH turned out a lot lower.

Avoid wifework OP, the pay is rubbish and no-one thanks you.

SecondUsername4me · 12/12/2023 09:08

Your dh needs to do all the running around for his family, end of.

HomburgandTrilby · 12/12/2023 09:11

I don’t think I’ve ever had a Christmas or birthday present from my ILs in 30 years. However, neither have I ever bustled around getting them presents — DH’s family are DH’s issue. Presumably you sent the hamper in both your names, and your ILs assumed it was from your DH, as they couldn’t imagine their own child delegating that to a spouse?

LookItsMeAgain · 12/12/2023 09:20

You look after your side of the family, your other half looks after theirs.
Simple.

Then if you get something nice for the pair of you from the in-laws, you can both say thank you but you don't feel like you're under any pressure at all to get them anything.
Same goes for your side of the family. If they send something either for you alone (you say thanks) or for both of you ( you can both thank them), everyone is happy!

Holly60 · 12/12/2023 09:29

Goodness no you aren't unreasonable that's awful.

Don't do it again until they start making an effort with you. How hurtful of them.

QualityStretham · 12/12/2023 10:05

Yes its fine to feel slighted but its a learning experience and now you know how they are. His parents are showing they will always be "his" parents and have welcomed you into the family as his plus one, not in your own right. It would be lovely if they recognised that you don't have family yourself and welcomed you in with open arms and treated you like their own, but it looks unlikely.
Its good advice of make it clear to your DH its his responsibility to do gifts for his family. To opt out and not put any more energy into getting his family gifts. But I know personally I couldn't do that myself. The alternative I use is to limit my effort and do it without any expectation it will be reciprocated.
My brother is useless and my relationship with him is entirely one way effort from me. I do minimal effort for my own peace of mind + my parents. On the flip side, my SIL was quick to realise what my brother was like and opted out of buying for his family. Fair play, although I have to say, I have always slightly judged her for her stance especially when my kids were little. But then she is married to my brother so has proven her bad taste!

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 10:06

Don't gift them anything from you, let DH sort out a gift for them. Use the money you would have spent on them to buy yourself something lovely. 👍

barbarahunter · 12/12/2023 10:07

Your in-laws are bloody rude! I agree with the others, they can go hang from now on. Do not bother buying them any gifts at all and have a nice easy life.

GaspingGekko · 12/12/2023 10:11

HomburgandTrilby · 12/12/2023 09:11

I don’t think I’ve ever had a Christmas or birthday present from my ILs in 30 years. However, neither have I ever bustled around getting them presents — DH’s family are DH’s issue. Presumably you sent the hamper in both your names, and your ILs assumed it was from your DH, as they couldn’t imagine their own child delegating that to a spouse?

Pretty much exactly this.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2023 10:12

That is really shitty. I buy for my DIL on the basis she is now as much a member of my family as DS is.

Heronwatcher · 12/12/2023 10:21

I’m sure it was all done with the best of intentions but there does seem to be a bit of a trend on Mumsnet with women in particular busting a gut for inlaws in terms of present giving, errands, even caring responsibility and then being annoyed when the same is not done in return or they are not treated in exactly the same way as biological family. I think it’s best to accept that the relationship has to evolve naturally and they won’t love you immediately how ever much you love bomb them! And they will never love you in the same way that they love their own DC.

To me it’s polite to send a card and maybe a token type gift if they are seeing you for lunch or something but I don’t think I’d expect any more than that. TBH I don’t think I’d really expect a card from most of my DH’s family really. And yes, DH should be sorting his own family’s gifts, it’s a very slippery slope to be doing wifemin for him.

barbarahunter · 12/12/2023 10:26

I kind of disagree with @Heronwatcher ...this isn't about in laws loving you, it is more about an acknowledgement that once your child marries, he/she then comes as part of a 'set'. To pretend that one's child is still single is bloody rude to the partner.

Of course, it is great if you do get on with in laws, but that is more likely to happen if they are respectful of your presence in their child's life as a fixture.

TedMullins · 12/12/2023 10:28

Personally yes I think YABU, it’s never occurred to me to expect gifts from a partner’s family, or to buy them gifts. As a pp said his family, his problem.

User13579367337 · 12/12/2023 10:28

Yanbu but you have now learned to not go through the effort again. What would your dh have got his parents if you hadn’t have done all this? Was it obvious that it was you who did the hamper?

LubaLuca · 12/12/2023 10:37

Don't bother again if it makes you feel resentful. Of course it would be nice if they sent a token gift to you, but you have to presume that's simply not their way and not because they're ungrateful for your effort last year.

Has your partner ever sent them anything? Take his lead, this doesn't need to be a problem if you all know what the general arrangement is.

Heronwatcher · 12/12/2023 10:46

I can see what you’re saying @barbarahunter but I’m not sure that everybody sees it that way. I have a long term partner and I don’t see us as “a pair” either socially or within the family, we each have our own relationships with our own families and our in laws. I’d never dream of being rude to a partner of my DC (for example I’d always send a Christmas card to them both and invite them to family get togethers) but I’d not expect to treat my DC’s partner equally to my own DC in all situations. It would just seem forced. I’ve known my own kids for their entire lives whereas I might only have known the partner for a couple of years. What’s more where nearly half of marriages end in divorce I think this is not really expected anymore. Of course it’s different if you’ve been married or in a relationship for 20-30 years etc but even then I don’t think I’d expect the same treatment as their own DC. I’d also not expect my own parents to treat my boyfriend/ partner/ husband the same as me.

bitofashit · 12/12/2023 10:48

My MIL always gets me crap gifts.

I used to go to a lot of trouble choosing things for her but I passed it on to DH years ago and now she gets crap gifts as well because he inherited her ability to choose nice/useful ones 😂

Just stop buying for her.

caringcarer · 12/12/2023 10:51

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2023 10:12

That is really shitty. I buy for my DIL on the basis she is now as much a member of my family as DS is.

I make a lovely stocking for my son's gf on the basis I like her a lot and I can see how she has made my DS more considerate. I hope he has the good sense to marry her in the future. I'd love her as my DiL.

YourDiscoNeedsYou · 12/12/2023 10:59

my DH once asked my MiL why she never bought me a present and she said she only bought presents for family 😂.

I’m sure she thought she was having a satisfying dig at me, but it did a lot of damage to her relationship with her son (my DH).

TedMullins · 12/12/2023 11:08

Heronwatcher · 12/12/2023 10:46

I can see what you’re saying @barbarahunter but I’m not sure that everybody sees it that way. I have a long term partner and I don’t see us as “a pair” either socially or within the family, we each have our own relationships with our own families and our in laws. I’d never dream of being rude to a partner of my DC (for example I’d always send a Christmas card to them both and invite them to family get togethers) but I’d not expect to treat my DC’s partner equally to my own DC in all situations. It would just seem forced. I’ve known my own kids for their entire lives whereas I might only have known the partner for a couple of years. What’s more where nearly half of marriages end in divorce I think this is not really expected anymore. Of course it’s different if you’ve been married or in a relationship for 20-30 years etc but even then I don’t think I’d expect the same treatment as their own DC. I’d also not expect my own parents to treat my boyfriend/ partner/ husband the same as me.

Yes I agree with this. I really hate this “they come as a pair” thing. No, they’re still individual people!

PixiePirate · 12/12/2023 11:10

It’s hurtful (been there) but agree with pp that the answer is to let your DH sort out his own relationship and gifts for his family.

I appreciate it’s hurtful that they don’t think of you. I deal with it by placing no expectations on them and no obligations on myself. No gift buying, card sending or preparing and catering for visits. I politely and cheerfully join in when they’re around, I just leave DH to manage his own efforts, and it shows.

I’ve built myself a family out of friends that genuinely care for me, and me them. They’re my thick and thin friends and we have each other’s backs. I find that taking this approach allows me to have an easier relationship with my ILs without too much resentment.

Ohnoooooooo · 12/12/2023 11:15

I think it might be a cultural thing. My parents live abroad and while they don't usually get me presents as such anymore I don't think it would occur to them to get my hubby presents if they did get me some. They do send him a card though.
The reason I think its a cultural thing is I must admit I have thought it lovely but odd my m'n'law always gets me something for my birthday. At the back of my mind I am always thinking that is so sweet she has gone to so much effort to buy something thoughtful and dropped it off....I am not sure why she is buying me a present? She doesn't need to and could save herself the expense and hassle? I guess because I would always choose and buy her gift but I never felt like she had to 'repay' the favour as she is my husband's mum.

redalex261 · 12/12/2023 11:18

Well, @AnnaMagnani , “avoid wifework, the pay is rubbish and no-one thanks you” absolutely has to be the best advice of the day/week, sod it - year! I am going to make this my mantra from now on! 🤣🤣🤣

Mary46 · 12/12/2023 11:42

Op my mother is tight buys nothing for kids or us. Its mean. My mil is very good. I dont go out of my way now since this.

NorthernSpirit · 12/12/2023 11:44

For me, it’s not the point that you buy the presents.

The point is that your in laws don’t bother getting you a gift - that’s thoughtless.

My in laws have always got me a Christmas gift, birthday card etc.

My own mother has never ever sent my DH a birthday card or Bought him a Christmas gift and it does upset me as it’s thoughtless. Sadly you can’t change some people.