Page 2 | AIBU to feel slighted my in-laws only send birthday gifts for my DH?

flippaflippa · 2023-12-12T08:52:47+00:00

Just this. I’ve no family of my own, which doesn’t help. They live abroad, I made up a large £100+ hamper for them last Christmas also, including items they requested, but we received nothing in return.

pinkspeakers · 12/12/2023 11:48

To be honest, I think it is quite common not to send birthday gifts for D/SILs. It's just a matter of different norms and expectations and not necessarily something to take personally. Different if there was another S/DIL who does receive gifts, but you don't say this.

My parents always bought me birthday gifts, but they didn't generally get anything for my husband's birthday. Maybe occasionally if it was a big birthday, or if we actually saw them? I'm not sure! My MIL doesn't send me a gift, but does send a card. But then she doesn't send anything for my husband's birthday either!

Try not to be hurt by it.

pinkspeakers · 12/12/2023 11:49

PS - they did get him a Xmas gift once he started spending Xmas with us. But not as big a gift as they bought me.

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 11:55

It's a bit shit, op. It's a crappy way to keep reasserting that they haven't extended their notion of family to include you. I'd be upset too.

OhComeOnFFS · 12/12/2023 12:01

That's really horrible of them.

I spend exactly the same on my DIL as I do on my son.

toomanyleggings · 12/12/2023 12:03

My lovely in-laws always sent something for me at Christmas and birthday. It’s our first Christmas without them this year.

usernamecopied · 13/12/2023 20:37

Try to ignore it, and leave everything to your hubby in future. I only ever get a token present from my in laws, literally just spent a fiver on something, but partners other siblings partners get bought all sorts including football shirts, it always sucks at Christmas when we all unwrap presents in front of each other and the others partners have got £70 shirts or something and I’m sat there with my £5 bird box (I’m not difficult to buy for) and meant to be all appreciative whilst feeling excluded, if I don’t thank them at least 3 times my partner gets told how ungrateful I am, along with some other abusive names including a c u next Tuesday. The worse thing is I’m the one out of all the partners and even more so then my partners siblings that goes all out to do everything for them, it’s since having my child I’ve come to the realisation that some day my DC is going to notice and hear these things and see that I’m being a doormat and allowing people to disrespect me, I’ve told my partner that unless the in laws respect me I’m not going out of my way for them anymore.

Ladybirder · 13/12/2023 21:55

Definitely leave the gift buying to DH from now on. I’ve had to do the same with my entire DH’s family- in 13 years no birthday presents (not even milestone birthdays) or Xmas presents. It sounds like you’re a thoughtful person so this probably feels like you are pushing against your natural behaviour and what you would like to do (I.e. give nice gifts ) but it sounds like you are hurt by the lack of reciprocity so perhaps not buying for them will be the best for your well-being.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 13/12/2023 22:26

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/12/2023 10:12

That is really shitty. I buy for my DIL on the basis she is now as much a member of my family as DS is.

Same here!

Treesinmygarden · 13/12/2023 22:35

Even my daft MIL used to get me a crappy gift!! She really didn't know me at all - or didn't care! My mum was notorious for buying things that she never used in the end (nice stuff but stuff she didn't need) so each Christmas, she would give me something that she had bought that I used to gift to MIL!! After she died, I left DH to sort out his own mother.

I don't think she ever bought any of us a present that was thoughtful - she hadn't a clue what to buy the kids either. While on the other hand, my mother used to get thoughtful and considered presents for DH.

Original poster

flippaflippa · 14/12/2023 16:01

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. It’s easy to lose perspective without bouncing things off others. As I’m meant to be going with DH and our DC to visit them, which entails a week stay given the travel distance, I’m having second thoughts, as will be more of the same - weaponised giving it feels, which I’m rather done with.

OP posts:

Ladybirder · 14/12/2023 16:16

flippaflippa · 14/12/2023 16:01

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. It’s easy to lose perspective without bouncing things off others. As I’m meant to be going with DH and our DC to visit them, which entails a week stay given the travel distance, I’m having second thoughts, as will be more of the same - weaponised giving it feels, which I’m rather done with.

A week stay?! Good luck and make sure you create some time for yourself during that week. I always volunteer to pop to the shops for bits or walk the dog for 10 mins of alone time to chill. The odd early night can also give you a much needed break (I watch Netflix in bed with headphones on..sssh!).

GreatGateauxsby · 14/12/2023 16:55

So there’s two strategies…

either let your DH do it /not do it.

or if you know he will throw £££ at the issue and just buy some random lavish crap…then I recommend you control it and buy passable stuff in the sales.

EverySporkIsSacred · 07/02/2024 16:00

Well I didn't buy my adult DDs partner a gift a few years ago and DD told me how upset she was. It didn't help that DDP's own parents were a bit rubbish on the present front.

I was mortified, I hadn't realised it was expected and from then on I've tried to make an effort and give at least a nice token gift (£20-30 but maybe made up of a few smaller items) if not something they both can enjoy/use. Turns out they're very long term so what a good thing DD told me instead of leaving that hanging.

Has your DH even said anything to them?