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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner/grief/behaviour

45 replies

Nlg1987 · 11/12/2023 23:03

I’ll make this as short as possible!

partner and I have only been together since beginning of this year, however feels a lot longer. We have fitted in with each others families, (my 3 children, his 2 older children)parents etc.

things were great. Are great… to a certain degree. His father has had declining health for a few months, and sadly passed away last weekend. Crappy time of year. Trying to get funeral in before Xmas etc

i have been, and continue to support him through his grief. Ensuring he has nothing to worry about at home. If he stays out later after work (he’s only worked a couple of days this week but self employed means we need some money!!) to not nag, if he doesn’t go to work, not nag. Allow him time to process it and deal with it his way.

he has come home tonight at 8pm, after I had called him at 4pm and he said he’s just finished work and stopping for a pint. 4 hours i sat waiting to cook him dinner that i planned. He came in, told me he wasn’t hungry and went for a shower.

so I cooked for myself. He came down and kicked off saying I’m selfish, only think about myself and I should have cooked for him. So I gave him my dinner. I placed it in front of him and went to bed. Upset.

he proceeded to slam the food on the kitchen side, come upstairs and get changed. He then left the house (in my car) and is now in the pub- half hour away close to his mums. Spending what little money we had saved to buy Xmas presents!!

AIBU? Should I be upset? Should I of been more considerate? He won’t be home tonight I shouldn’t imagine? Not something that has ever happened bar the night his dad passed away. Am I that horrible?!

OP posts:

Didimum · 11/12/2023 23:08

His dad died last weekend. It’s Christmas is 2 weeks. I’m sorry, but you do definitively need to let some twatish behaviour slide right now.

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 23:10

Was he awful before? If not - let it go, they’ve not even had the funeral yet - he will be in shock and naturally want to be around people who knew his dad well and his family.

When my MIL died I feel like we spent as a family about two weeks drinking - at home, in the pub, with family coming over for the funeral etc.

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2023 23:16

If he was ok before, then I think that you should have sat with him when you put the food down. It might be an idea to do food easily heated up. Simplify life. Is he insured to drive your car? Would he drink drive? That shouldn't be let slide. Are you are genuinely concerned about affording Christmas? I find it interesting that you use the term nag, when it's just communicating how you feel.

Blink1880 · 11/12/2023 23:36

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2023 23:16

But “communicating how you feel” might not be appropriate here. I’d not be telling DH whether he should/should not be going to work or going to the pub with, I assume family. They’ve been together less than a year as well - that would make me even less likely to comment on these issues

Hillcrest2022 · 11/12/2023 23:51

His Father died last weekend? That recently?

You need to give hime some grace, he's still working through the shock.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/12/2023 23:55

You go and get your car back now

then when you see him again you sit him down, tell him you understand he is grieving but he doesnt take it out on you and maybe it’s better he stays with family

DietrichandDiMaggio · 12/12/2023 00:01

Didimum · 11/12/2023 23:08

His dad died last weekend. It’s Christmas is 2 weeks. I’m sorry, but you do definitively need to let some twatish behaviour slide right now.

My mum died at the beginning of the month and her funeral is next week, that doesn't mean I can behave like a twat towards people I care about.

Weatherwax13 · 12/12/2023 00:08

I had a hideous bereavement. Felt like a mad woman.
I did not, however, treat DH like crap.

Hillcrest2022 · 12/12/2023 00:16

I've read this again properly:

"He came down and kicked off saying I’m selfish, only think about myself and I should have cooked for him. So I gave him my dinner. I placed it in front of him and went to bed. Upset.

That's unacceptable... I'm sorry for my earlier post. I've been grieving in the past but never behaved like this. In fact, it made me more empathetic and caring.

Please don't put up with any more behaviour like this, that's really not fair on you.

hellsBells246 · 12/12/2023 00:38

His behaviour is totally unacceptable. Grieving doesn't give him a free pass to behave like a dick. I'm not surprised you're upset.

QueenBitch666 · 12/12/2023 01:00

His grief is no excuse to treat you like crap. I've had several bereavements and my behaviour wasn't shite towards my loved ones. You tell him you're there for him but under no circumstances to take his grief out on you. Totally unacceptable behaviour

QueenBitch666 · 12/12/2023 01:02

And the fact that you're using the word nag is very telling...

Original poster

Nlg1987 · 12/12/2023 06:56

I fully accept that his head is all over the place, and I was prepared for some unexpected behaviour, but definitely not directed towards me in that manner.

i (personally) feel I’ve supported him the best way I can. I’ve let him lead my behaviour towards him, I read the room before I act to ensure im
not being insensitive. I’ve held his hand and cuddled him when he cried, I have taken over all cooking duties (he is the best cook and loves cooking for us!).

when I say ‘nag’ I mean I don’t/haven’t pulled him up on the behaviour, because he is grieving. I’m silently holding it together, whilst also stressing about normal life- because life does go on outside other peoples grief.

im negotiating Christmas, while trying to be normal for my children. I’m trying to sort time off with my employer for the funeral, as I’ve just started a new job(they have been great though!).

he didn’t come home last night. I did call him, as I was worried. again he said it was my fault and I’ve made him walk out. I didn’t ask him or tell him to leave - I have him the meal and walked away so as not to have an argument.

i gave him the meal, because he needs to eat. I did it to be nice.

but hey, im wrong regardless of what i do!

OP posts:

ItsCrap · 12/12/2023 07:03

Do you live together?

He needs to stay away if he can't be civil. It's not fair on you or your kids.

Original poster

Nlg1987 · 12/12/2023 07:11

Yes we live together

OP posts:

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 12/12/2023 07:14

Hmm you have been with him, introduced DC , moved in , all less than a year?
Really you don't know this man, sounds very accelerated
He sounds abusive tbh
You are already tiptoeing around, "not nag"
He's blaming you and taking out his distress on you and as you say you are always wrong.
Big step back needed cc

sorrynotathome · 12/12/2023 07:14

Leave the drunk driver.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 12/12/2023 07:14

Yes he is grieving but bet he manages not to be a dick to everyone else

allitdoesisrain · 12/12/2023 07:18

Grieving isn't an excuse or reason to treat other people badly.

Consideringachange2023 · 12/12/2023 07:23

As a one off I’d let this go.

If it’s wider issue outside of the loss of his dad then that of course is different.

grief affects everyone differently and people can come on here and say “well I managed not to do this” but people are not machines and their responses to grief will vary massively.

no it’s not right that he’s taken his anger, pain and sadness out on you of course it’s not but you’ve chosen to build a life with this person and that might mean that occasionally one of you does something wrong towards the other or hurts the other - unintentionally but by default of being the closest person.
Again it’s not ideal and it certainly shouldn’t be a regular occurrence but life isn’t black and white and emotions can’t always be regulated.

you might just have to say I’m here for you, I’d like to forget what’s happened as I understand the stress and upset you’re under right now. I don’t want it to happen again though as although i want to support you, I’m not an emotional punchbag.

only you know if this is his character or the grief OP

10HailMarys · 12/12/2023 07:28

You’ve known him less than a year, and during that time you’ve moved in together, blended your families and have joint finances? I think this is part of the problem here.

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 12/12/2023 07:29

*only you know if this is his character or the grief OP

Op has been with him less than a year.
How will she know if this is his character?
Less than a year, moved in, DC introduced sounds like lovebombing/ acceleration to me.
Op is now seeing who he really is.
He's manipulative-the food -offered, he wwasnt hungry, then blames her and calls her selfish, she gives it to him, he storms off
This isn't grief, it's abuse and manipulation

ElinoristhenewEnid · 12/12/2023 08:00

I have lost both parents and my husband and have never been a twat to anyone because of the losses.

As someone else stated grief is not an excuse for abusive/ manipulative behaviour!

NigelHarmansNewWife · 12/12/2023 08:07

His behaviour is awful. I don't know whether you've told us everything that's been said between you, but he's taking it out on you which isn't fair.

BarkHorse · 12/12/2023 08:17

What is he like usually?

There is a bit of an air of martyrdom coming from you to be honest.

why would it even occur to you to “nag him” about whether he chooses to go to work or not or go and see family afterwards?
You “waited four hours” to cook a dinner you’d planned.
You mention trying to sort out time
off for the funeral as if that’s a chore up there with losing a parent.

it may he that he’s a twat - but it may be that you are actually making this about you - just a week after his father has died.

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