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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner/grief/behaviour

45 replies

Nlg1987 · 11/12/2023 23:03

I’ll make this as short as possible!

partner and I have only been together since beginning of this year, however feels a lot longer. We have fitted in with each others families, (my 3 children, his 2 older children)parents etc.

things were great. Are great… to a certain degree. His father has had declining health for a few months, and sadly passed away last weekend. Crappy time of year. Trying to get funeral in before Xmas etc

i have been, and continue to support him through his grief. Ensuring he has nothing to worry about at home. If he stays out later after work (he’s only worked a couple of days this week but self employed means we need some money!!) to not nag, if he doesn’t go to work, not nag. Allow him time to process it and deal with it his way.

he has come home tonight at 8pm, after I had called him at 4pm and he said he’s just finished work and stopping for a pint. 4 hours i sat waiting to cook him dinner that i planned. He came in, told me he wasn’t hungry and went for a shower.

so I cooked for myself. He came down and kicked off saying I’m selfish, only think about myself and I should have cooked for him. So I gave him my dinner. I placed it in front of him and went to bed. Upset.

he proceeded to slam the food on the kitchen side, come upstairs and get changed. He then left the house (in my car) and is now in the pub- half hour away close to his mums. Spending what little money we had saved to buy Xmas presents!!

AIBU? Should I be upset? Should I of been more considerate? He won’t be home tonight I shouldn’t imagine? Not something that has ever happened bar the night his dad passed away. Am I that horrible?!

OP posts:

Icepop79 · 12/12/2023 08:18

Sorry, but this is not ok.
Yes, he’s grieving, but that does not give him the right to be an abusive twat. Grief hits people in different ways, but it does not give anyone the right to treat someone else with as little respect as he’s treating you.

Where are your kids while he’s slamming plates down and storming in and out of the house? He needs to go and stay with family members until he can manage his behaviour better.

Didimum · 12/12/2023 08:21

DietrichandDiMaggio · 12/12/2023 00:01

My mum died at the beginning of the month and her funeral is next week, that doesn't mean I can behave like a twat towards people I care about.

Show quote history

You’re not entitled to, but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen and it doesn’t make someone a bad person overall.

misskatamari · 12/12/2023 08:27

This has red flags all over it.

Way too soon to have moved two families in together. You don’t know this man. You can’t in this space of time. And now his true colours are showing.

im sorry, but i really disagree with the posters who are trying to excuse his abuse and say its all okay because he’s grieving. Fuck that.

My mum died suddenly a few years ago, when I had a newborn and no other family. Grief is hard, but it doesn’t give you license to abuse others. He’s being an utter dick. I would seriously consider living separately, if you even want to continue with the relationship

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 12/12/2023 08:31

misskatamari · 12/12/2023 08:27

This has red flags all over it.

Way too soon to have moved two families in together. You don’t know this man. You can’t in this space of time. And now his true colours are showing.

im sorry, but i really disagree with the posters who are trying to excuse his abuse and say its all okay because he’s grieving. Fuck that.

This

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 12/12/2023 08:32

Except he needs binning not carrying on the relationship

AgnesX · 12/12/2023 08:34

Didimum · 11/12/2023 23:08

His dad died last weekend. It’s Christmas is 2 weeks. I’m sorry, but you do definitively need to let some twatish behaviour slide right now.

On the contrary. That's just crap behaviour, grief does not give you a free pass to behave like agit.

And I say that as one who has lost both parents.

Bookworm1111 · 12/12/2023 08:37

It sounds like you don't actually know each other well enough to help him navigate his grief. You've only been together for less than a year and he's already living with you and your DC?

Because the thing is, he's not suddenly going to feel better overnight - you could have months and months of him reacting to the tiniest things because he's grieving. If you're already upset about one incident, how are you going to handle that?

Didimum · 12/12/2023 08:41

AgnesX · 12/12/2023 08:34

On the contrary. That's just crap behaviour, grief does not give you a free pass to behave like agit.

And I say that as one who has lost both parents.

Edited

Show quote history

As I just said, it doesn’t entitle you to it, but it can and does happen. We don’t live in a fairytale land where everyone handles their grief adequately.

FloweryWowery · 12/12/2023 08:50

Is he in the pub spending money that would have been spent on your DC's Christmas presents?

AgnesX · 12/12/2023 08:53

Didimum · 12/12/2023 08:41

As I just said, it doesn’t entitle you to it, but it can and does happen. We don’t live in a fairytale land where everyone handles their grief adequately.

Show quote history

Wallowing in grief shouldn't manifest itself by being a git to your partner because they haven't done what you expect or want.

So it's happened, and he's shown himself to be what he is. Is that what's going to happen every time things get tough?

He can express his grief in some other way.

Bookworm1111 · 12/12/2023 08:58

AgnesX · 12/12/2023 08:53

Wallowing in grief shouldn't manifest itself by being a git to your partner because they haven't done what you expect or want.

So it's happened, and he's shown himself to be what he is. Is that what's going to happen every time things get tough?

He can express his grief in some other way.

Show quote history

There isn't a one-size-fits-all when it comes to grief though. You might be the kind to weep silently, dry your tears and get on with your day, others aren't. They haven't even had the funeral yet, so he's in the rawest stage of grief still. Isn't he allowed the slightest bit of leeway for that?

Plus, the issue here isn't how he's behaving, it's that OP doesn't know him well enough to deal with it.

Jeffsmeffsmiff · 12/12/2023 09:09

Well his behaviour has been shit but then
"So I gave him my dinner. I placed it in front of him and went to bed. Upset"
This sounds like a dramatic, martyr like gesture. Like you're trying to make it about you?
So maybe that is part of it?
You say you went to bed upset. Maybe he says he went to the pub upset? And yes his behaviour has been shitty but let's be honest he HAS got quite a bit to be upset about

crumblingschools · 12/12/2023 09:11

How long have you been living together? Did you not have to cook for your DC too?

FlyingCherub · 12/12/2023 09:22

I lost my Dad this year and probably haven't behaved very well at times. But, you are exposing your children to this behaviour from him and that's not acceptable.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you need to take a very big step back from this. You're walking on eggshells and likelihood is that your kids are too. They don't deserve to have to tiptoe round in their own home especially over Christmas.

He needs to go. And be supported by people who aren't going to be scared by his behaviour.

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 12/12/2023 10:24

Plus, the issue here isn't how he's behaving, it's that OP doesn't know him well enough to deal with it

WTAF!
His behaviour is absolutely the issue here.
What has happened is that this abusive man has hidden his behaviour at the start of the relationship and now can't.
All the 🚩 are there
New relationship of less than a year, moved in, introduced DC far to early.
No doubt Mr Perfect
One major life event and bam he can't hide himself, his true self any longer.

She's on eggshells
Says it all

GilesRupert · 12/12/2023 10:44

Shocked but not surprised by the posters excusing this man's appalling behaviour. He wasn't just a bit rude or snappy and then apologised. He took his partner's car, drove away, spent money intended for the kids' Xmas presents on drinking in the pub, then continued to tell her it was her fault. He's a walking red flag and I'd be looking to get out of the relationship (although she'll no doubt be accused of being a heartless bitch if she leaves him while he's grieving - can't win!)
OP you are not there to be his punching bag.

ItsCrap · 12/12/2023 10:49

Op, only you know the wider context.
Grief and alcohol can make people shitty. If you can put up with/get through it then you need to sit down with him.
Apologise if you upset him,ask him to say what he needs and to keep a dialogue open. You are not a mindreader and grief is so personal.
Then lay out that his behaviour is not acceptable and you won't tolerate it in your House. Ask about what he's planning to get the kids for Christmas.

I agree with pp, there's a whiff of love bombing but that's for another thread.
There are red flags here. If you stick together then please don't tolerate this again.

mondaytosunday · 12/12/2023 11:09

The pub thing fine. Not wanting to eat - fine. Kicking off on you not acceptable. I lost my father and husband months a part and had two small kids. I never ever treated anyone like that. He may be upset but that's not an excuse. If he can't control himself then maybe you need time apart. Don't force things just because it's Christmas.

Josette77 · 12/12/2023 11:15

You haven't even known him a year and he is living with you and your kids.

That is completely bizarre and unacceptable. Your kids come first and none of this is putting them first.

ManateeFair · 12/12/2023 11:34

Grief is absolutely not an excuse to treat your partner like this.

The thing is, you learn A LOT about someone from how they react to grief, stress or adversity. Obviously, you would absolutely expect anyone who had just lost someone close to them to be devastated, and sad, and confused, and even angry at the unfairness of it all. But it's how they express that shows their true colours.

If your DP expresses his grief through heavy drinking - without bothering to let you know where he is - then tells you he doesn't want the meal you've been patiently waiting to cook for him, then yells at you for not cooking the meal he said he didn't want, calls you selfish, then upon being given your meal to eat, he slams it down and storms out of the house, drunk, in your car, with no word of when/if he'll be back - then he will be an absolute shit to you every time something goes wrong. Every time something bad happens, he will react in a way that makes it a million times worse. Whatever you do to try to help him, he will react by treating you like shit. It will make any adversity, for either of you, a thousand times more stressful.

You are only just finding this out now because you haven't actually been together long enough to see what he's like when something bad happens. Now you have witnessed the ugly side of his personality, I would suggest you think very, very seriously about getting this man out of you and your children's lives.

FWIW my ex behaved similarly whenever something upsetting happened - whether it happened to him or to me. He was absolutely vile to me when his dad was in hospital after a stroke, despite me doing every conceivable thing to support and comfort him and to support his family. He was violent, aggressive, cruel and self-destructive throughout. And he was equally vile to me when I was the victim of a very upsetting crime - far from comforting me, he reacted to my traumatic experience in exactly the same way he behaved when his father had been ill, which meant I had to deal with all the awful process of police statements, identity parades, liaising with prosecutors and my own distress while also having him screaming at me, calling me selfish, disappearing, throwing crockery etc.

Do not subject yourself to this for a man you haven't even got to know yet.

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