Please tell me single life will be ok?

[cannotdoitanymore]

After much to-ing and fro-ing for far too many years, I've decided to end a relationship with an emotionally abusive man. It's been 8 years and we have a young child (2 years old), so it's going to be tough. But I cannot do it anymore. My other thread in mental health will explain why - he makes everything so much worse with his awful behaviour towards me and I've let it slide for far too long. No more. I'm going to start my steps to freedom from him in the new year.

I'm so scared to take the steps but cautiously optimistic and excited for my future without this dead weight of a man.

I'm 38 and a single mum... please tell me I'll find happiness again and not be alone forever? 😬

I've been mostly single for the past 9 years after I broke up with an abusive ex...one of the reasons I broke up with him was so I could meet the right man and have a family with him.

I'm nearly 40 so a bit older than you and, although I'm single and childless (and that was my worst fear) I am actually really pretty fine with that. I have a lot of other forms of love in my life, just not a guy. I'm quite content to be honest. I'd be much worse off if I was still with that ex. I still hope to meet the right man, but I'm not giving up this level of contentedness for just anyone. Single can be a lot better than being with just anyone to avoid loneliness. You'll be fine.

In a relationship or alone are not your only choices. I'm single, five years now. I'm anything but alone!

You can build up a nice network of friends and things to do, even with young children. It's not just a case of joining existing groups, some people in a similar situation start groups by actively seeking out people near them in a similar situation. If you find yourself with a small child, home alone and nowhere to meet others in a similar situation, there will be others. It only takes one person to have enough initiative to find one other, and then you have a regular event to advertise & find more

People are giving you really good advice about not pinning all your hopes of happiness on meeting another man and instead focusing on you and your daughters. That's not being 'doom and gloom' at all.

Well done on taking the first step towards a much better life. You've absolutely done the right thing.

I left my abusive ex of 16 years two years ago. I'm 33 now, and I can say I should have done it years ago.

I do have significantly less money but my mental health has recovered dramatically.

It's still not 100%, but it's a thousand times better than it was.

I do sometimes have to pinch myself that I am now free, I can do what I like, when I like in my own peaceful sanctuary that is home. And no one will give me any grief. I can eat what I like, wear what I like, see whoever I want for as long as I want. No more kicking my friends out because exdp will have a cob on. No more eating things I don't really like because it's what he wants. No more sly digs about my height/ weight/ intelligence/insert characteristic here.

My self esteem has almost fully returned to pre exdp levels. My social life has recovered. I'm doing my hobbies again, without anyone complaining that I'm doing while I dare to leave a few dishes in the sink. If I want to take ds to the park across the road from the school because it's a gorgeous day, I can just take him. And we can come home whenever we like, not have to rush home to get dinner started.

My ds is a lot happier too, now there is no horrible atmosphere hanging over us. Just a lovely chill vibe, our little place. With no shouting, no sulking, no throwing things and no drama.

Single life is infinitely, infinitely better than life with an abuser, even with all the slightly harder bits

I suspect that once you are out the other side your only regret will be not having left him sooner. For now just keep moving forwards even if that is incredibly slowly. You have a long journey ahead but with that comes freedom and peace of mind and a better future for your DC.

What important to remember is you are unhappy in this relationship. Being single will be better than that. You may meet someone in the future who can make you happy. But regardless you will be better off than you are in a abusive relationship

It's worth remembering OP that a relationship you don't feel happy in is one helluva lonely place to be-

being single is absolutely bloody brilliant! I left an emotionally abusive marriage three years ago in my mid thirties and have never looked back. I’m now with a lovely new DP but he’s a nice addition to my already great, full life - I was perfectly happy before without him.

You’ll be fine, the world is your oyster.

Heed the warnings that looking for another man is not the answer. Might end well for the sainted few (those who already have their lives sorted). Online dating is awful and predatory sorts lurk on sites just waiting for freshly single naive women.

My life is honesty a bit shit (understatement of the century) but I don't wish I was still with my ex. He is still around and still even more useless than me. Like utterly shit.

I'm gonna echo others: looking for a new man will set you up for another bad one.

Single life after an abusive man is very hard initially as they tend to use child contact to continue the abuse. I still preferred being single as at least I felt safe in my home. Then he got a new partner and shifted his focus and life is fucking awesome now

As a survivor of abuse you are statistically much more likely to become re victimised. It would be a good idea to have lots of therapy and purposefully stay single for atleast a few years while you heal.

Is it normal to doubt yourself when they revert back to the kind person they are sometimes, making you second guess leaving them? My head is such a mess 😔

Well done in taking that step OP, your life will be immeasurably better through leaving an abusive partner. I’m a single parent, on the other side almost with my youngest of 3 nearly 16 now. I’ve always genuinely been happier single, I’ve had one brief relationship in 13yrs since splitting with father of DC. I’m fiercely independent and am not someone who needs a man for self worth. That’s not to say I might not meet someone tomorrow and be happy, but I won’t settle. My brother was only single 4 months after the breakdown of his marriage (not his decision or fault, he doesn’t do well alone). Many friends also been in relationships again soon after. I would definitely suggest you spend some time recovering and getting yourself into a good place before looking for another relationship. Wishing you lots of happiness

Yes, that is all part of the emotional abuse. It wouldn’t mess with your head if they were arseholes all the time.
Dont fall for it OP. Stick with your decision and escape.

You will be fine.
In my experience once you get used to being single, you will love it, and it will take a hell of a lot to get you go back to a relationship. Just learn to love the person you are, and make sure your kid does the same, so they don't find themselves ina relationship for the sake of it when they get a bit older.
Romantic relationships can be great, but only the right ones. Otherwise they just wear you down and waste your time and energy. If you are happy on your own and the right person comes along, so be it, it will add to your life, but you'll also be happy to wait until it is right. Just do you. You will be OK

I finally divorced my abusive narcissistic ex after 26 long years. It’s AMAZING. during divorce everyone was saying don’t worry you’ll find another man! I don’t ever want another man thank you very much. The freedom is exhilarating. Good luck Op ❤️

I've been in a number of abusive or otherwise toxic relationships. I am now quite happy and content on my own. Don't get me wrong, if the right guy comes along and we fall madly in love, that would be better. But I would rather be alone than with anyone who isn't completely right for me. As Madonna said, "don't settle for second best". I raised a child on my own and we didn't have much - it was hard - but it was 100 times better than being stuck in an abusive relationship. I'm not even looking for anyone right now. The way I live my life is to create a full life without a man in it; I much more likely to meet the right person that way. I used to be looking for love, each time off the back of a toxic relationship and being heartbroken (or just broken in some way). If you need someone, you are vulnerable to manipulation and abuse, or just getting into something that isn't right. This just resulted in another similar relationship, and so on.

I love being alone.