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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me single life will be ok?

68 replies

cannotdoitanymore · 11/12/2023 18:26

After much to-ing and fro-ing for far too many years, I've decided to end a relationship with an emotionally abusive man. It's been 8 years and we have a young child (2 years old), so it's going to be tough. But I cannot do it anymore. My other thread in mental health will explain why - he makes everything so much worse with his awful behaviour towards me and I've let it slide for far too long. No more. I'm going to start my steps to freedom from him in the new year.

I'm so scared to take the steps but cautiously optimistic and excited for my future without this dead weight of a man.

I'm 38 and a single mum... please tell me I'll find happiness again and not be alone forever? 😬

OP posts:
cannotdoitanymore · 11/12/2023 19:56

paintingvenice · 11/12/2023 19:17

Well done OP it is difficult. I’m a similar age and left a long relationship and recognise the feeling of worry that you won’t find someone again. The thing is I am now so happy by myself, there are actually plenty of fish in the sea, but the bar is now so much higher for someone to be allowed to enter my life.

I’m not prepared to do ALL the wife work again, I want someone who adds to my life and makes me happy, (and likewise I don’t want a man with kids). You know what-it’s early days but I have found someone who meets those standards. It might work out, it might not. But life is too short to be with someone who makes you miserable.

Good luck, focus on you and your child.

Thank you x

OP posts:
cannotdoitanymore · 11/12/2023 19:56

MintJulia · 11/12/2023 19:10

OP you just need to keep looking forward and seeing new opportunities.

I've been single for 8 years and there are some lovely elements to it.

Having the bed to myself - no snoring, lots of good sleep
A tidier house, a clean bathroom
Watching what I want on tv
Eating much healthier food
Having a house full of music and flowers.
No compromises, no nasty financial surprises
Raising my child without ds seeing drunkenness etc

Develop some hobbies, make some new friends, put yourself first for a year or two, then see how you feel. Be very picky. 🙂

Thank you x

OP posts:
cannotdoitanymore · 11/12/2023 20:04

Also I didn't say I couldn't envisage a happy single life, just that I'm anxious about a huge change after 8 years in a relationship and with a child. Surely that's normal?

OP posts:
Ontheperiphery79 · 11/12/2023 20:37

You said in your other post that you're already chatting to someone new.

You really need to be focusing upon yourself, your child, your mental health and the steps you need to take to leave your abusive partner (and how you are going to keep both you and your child safe).

cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 09:39

@Ontheperiphery79

What???!

Where did I say I'm chatting to someone new?? That's completely made up!

OP posts:
cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 09:42

@Ontheperiphery79

If you mean this from my other thread:

I am chatting to someone now, they seem nice

If you read correctly It says chatting to someone NOW, not new. I am referring to a person on the SHOUT mental health text service who I was texting during a mental health crisis??

I'll await an apology.

OP posts:
cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 09:43

Thanks to everyone else who's managed to offer helpful support without completely inventing their own narrative 👍🏻

OP posts:
MumofLandD · 12/12/2023 09:44

You absolutely will be fine! Kicked my ex out almost 2 years ago, it's hard but when I think of how low I felt last year compared to now, it is all absolutely worth it. Am so so.much happier and grounded now, we co parent and the worst bit was not seeing the kids.for half the week. You can do it and it will be worth it x

cerisepanther73 · 12/12/2023 10:09

@cannotdoitanymore

I think what the other poster was saying cause of what you have been through it it's been obviously Hellish relantship,

we are all often as not, programmed by society's expections that being a relantship completes us, and being single is like being on your own loneliness,

It's really not in reality as you and others and myself have found out the hard way,

You can be in abusive relantship ,marriage or unfortunately be born to a abusive family dynamics,
and feel still incredibly lonely at times,

you can however be content with yourself and be single

No man or female completes us, not only is that the path of chaos, dramas bonkers,

it's ourselves as individuals who can create the life we want to have,

I would seriously consirder going into good therapy to address the issue or issues that acctracted to a man like this in the first place?
does it go back to as far as childhood upbringing or something else what is is it?

Also make a list of everything that's possibilities of doing, that was difficult to do cause of the kind of relationship you were in,

Make a list of support you can garner such as family, friends mumsnet ect

very important to have beneficial emotionally hobbies interests too,

also make sure you take care of yourself too eating healthy on budget ect

Is it possible for you to pamper yourself once a month or so by treating yourself to complementary therapies treatments,

even joining a mother and babies swimming sessions
is there other types of mother and babies groups out there too, you can join up see what they are like,

jusanotherperson · 12/12/2023 10:16

Broke off a 10 year relationship in February last year. Met a man with a 1 and a half year old in June - moved across the country to be with them and have never been happier - even with a now 3 year old toddler who is constantly testing our patience!

Best thing I ever did. There's so much out there when you open yourself up to it. Fair play to you!

cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 10:25

@jusanotherperson

Thanks. Did you have a child with the man you left? It's that added element of guilt at being the person who breaks up my daughter's family 😞

OP posts:
jusanotherperson · 12/12/2023 10:40

I didn't - it's his child.

But to be honest - the best thing he did for his child was leave a relationship he was unhappy in. This little boy now has his own parents and grandparents, me (and I love him to bits) and a whole new set of grandparents in my parents, who also love him.

If anything - he has 3 more people in his life who love him and would do anything for him. If my partner had stayed with his ex, it would have only been detrimental to his son, as they weren't happy.

You've done the right thing for both yourself and your daughter and I can guarantee you will not be alone forever. I always think that knowing what you don't want is more important than thinking you know what you do. The right person will walk in when the time is right and if, like me, you'll be wondering why you didn't do it sooner!

Snoken · 12/12/2023 10:40

You will be absolutely fine. I am a few years older than you, left a 20+ year long marriage almost 2 years ago and there isn't a day that goes by when I am not absolutely blissfully happy that had the guts to do it. It's a very liberating feeling. I have had a few short relationships since and ending those has been fairly painfree because I knew I was happy before they entered my life and I will be just as happy again after. The marriage took a long time to leave (years) but it did build strength I didn't know I had and it has fundamentally changed my view of men and their (un)importance.

ghostyslovesheets · 12/12/2023 11:36

It will be fine - initially you will feel mixed emotions, sadness, guilt, relief etc - it’s a process of grief!

eventually it will become your new normal, calmer, safer, kinder and you will feel better

I agree with others about counselling- being in an abusive man is traumatic and you need time to recover.

i have been single for 14 years and I’m happy - it’s a choice, I had 3 dd’s 6,4 and 7mths when I split with my ex so I didn’t want a new man in their lives. Now I feel unsure what a man would bring to the table.

i have a good life and I’m happy

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 11:39

I got divorced late twenties and married again at 40. I found being alone soooooo much better than dealing with an abuser. It was heaven.
Give yourself time to get over it all before dating again. You need time and space.

StopStartStop · 12/12/2023 11:40

You might be alone, you might not. Either way, you'll be happy a lot of the time. Trust me.

NightTimeRain · 12/12/2023 11:41

No one can tell you if you will meet someone else or not. I’m 7 years single and still never met anyone not so much as a date in the time. Not that I wouldn’t like to but my situation makes it impossible

Crikeyalmighty · 12/12/2023 11:47

Listen lovely- I've got so many people I know in their 50s and 60s who have remained single and if I'm honest have far more fun going on than many of the couples I know- a lot of whom are now bored rigid with their partners or resentful of 'doing it all'

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/12/2023 11:52

Unfortunately there's no guarantee that you'll meet someone else. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true.

But the most important thing is being happy on your own. I've known several women dive back into relationships that were all wrong/just as bad as before because they just can't cope being single. Only when you're happy being on your own can you make a good decision as to whether someone else is the right person to be in your life and whether they are worth your time.

The years you've spent with your now-ex are only wasted if you haven't learned anything from them.

Best of luck for the future!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 12/12/2023 11:54

No one can tell you that you will meet someone again. If you need a man then you need to do work on yourself first to not feel like that.

Week54 · 12/12/2023 11:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ladyj84 · 12/12/2023 11:57

All the luck in the world.Stick to your decision no matter how hard. I did and spent 7 years alone no dating just making a new happy life with my son and met the love of my life unexpectedly and now married with another 3 kids and as happy as anything. I didn't meet him till 37 and now almost 40

Sparklesocks · 12/12/2023 11:59

Channel your energy into building a new, stable life for yourself and your child. Take it one step at a time. Who knows what the future holds, but you can be certain that you will be happier not being in a relationship with someone who brings you misery.

Mummyratbag · 12/12/2023 12:09

Crumbs doesn't matter how bad a time someone is having there is always someone ready to come on MN and take a pop!

You are understandably in a very bad place right now and your emotions are in turmoil. Be gentle on yourself and try not to overthink the future.. I suspect adrenaline and survival instinct are driving some of these thoughts (ie/ panic and trying to replace the supposed "perfect" setup. Get help and build your future a day at a time... you will be OK.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/12/2023 12:14

@Curlywurlycaz2 that's a great thought to hold- I think a lot of us become another version of our self in relationships- not always your true self.