To think going home is NOT relaxing?

[Lulumelons1]

When you visit 'home' ie. your parents, do you actually find it relaxing? And what do you usually do together?

Mine are early 60s, retired, healthy and mobile. I visit 3-4 times a year and usually stay for the weekend when I visit. Visits usually involve us all sitting in the living room with the TV on practically 24/7 the whole time I'm there (in the summer we do sit in the garden). I find it so uncomfortable to be sitting down for longer than a few hours at a time. I try to get them out for a walk, or doing an activity outside the house, but they usually decline. Occassionally we'll go out for a meal if it's a birthday or something.

Is this normal for 'relaxing family time?' I find it really tiring just sitting down talking for hours on end, and watching TV, for a couple of days? Everyone else seems to think going home to spend time with family like this is a nice break and meant to be relaxing, but I come away each time feeling drained and groggy? I always need 1-2 days afterwards to get my energy back!

Do you have a car? Take them for a drive. If they don’t want to go for a walk, tell them you are going out for an hour and go on your own.
Could you introduce them to a board game?
It sounds as if they have got into their own quiet and slow routine.
Do you have an exercise routine you can do in your room?
You are allowed to sit and read while the tv is on.

What do they do when you’re not there? If it’s sitting around, watching TV, then they aren’t going to change. Why don’t you organise lunch/coffee/dinner out, and maybe a drive to a local beauty spot?

They are very young to be like that OP. They aren't that much older than me.

My parents live a fair distance from us so I stay for longer than a weekend but it isn't particularly relaxing. The radio is on most of the time and I find it irritating/distracting. Mum likes to go out at least once a day but usually shopping which I find boring (I go anyway). She lets me take her out to do something more interesting now and again. We usually do one day trip where Dad will drive us out somewhere. So most of the time it is sitting around chatting which is nice for a bit but not hours/days. They are in their 80s so it is fair enough. I often read and Mum initially got quite snippy with me for 'ignoring' her but we talked it out and she is now grudgingly OK - I don't pull out a book on day one and not until we have had a lot of long chats. I think I would find it more relaxing if I was going to a home I had lived in, in an area I knew and had friends. I think sitting around for a long time is tiring and I am not surprised you feel drained afterwards OP.

I don’t find it relaxing but that is due to my parents’ dynamic of passive aggressiveness towards each other and complaining about the other. It’s definitely a “the devil you know” and put too much xyz to change things and live separately, but since both work and do their own thing, they aren’t around each other all the time.

DH’s parents are better but not by much with some passive aggressiveness and moaning there too about each other and village gossip about people I do not know and DH barely remembers.

It’s uncomfortable having both sets of them stay with us when they visit but thankfully it’s only during the autumn/ winter months and twice a year with DH’s parents and once a year with mine.

However, we do go out and do things when we visit my parents because they have a list of things they want to do with our kids.

This is exactly what it's like for me. My dad is nearly 80 and has poor mobility. The kids can't stand it.

My DM is older. She has moved a few times since I left home so where she is now isn't home for me.

DB1 lives locally to her and is always suspicious and a bit jealous so will often turn up during a visit. He suspects DB2 of trying to tap her for money (I've never seen evidence of this).

As a result of this I tend to keep visits short.

DPIL had fewer family complications but their home always felt cramped as it was a small bungalow and we were a family of 5. DPIL now sadly long gone.

I don't think what your parents are doing is abnormal, it's just not what you find enjoyable.

My parents are older than yours and wouldn't be caught dead spending a weekend at home in front of the TV, but they've always been active and energetic people and that didn't change when they retired.

Can you not go out during the day when you visit? Do you have friends who still live nearby perhaps?

My weekends of visiting my DM used to be a bit like that, but that was when she was in her late 70s and early 80s and a bit frail.

DH and I are in our early 60s and "retired, healthy and mobile" as you describe your parents. We certainly don't spend the whole time in front of the TV. When our adult DD comes to stay for the weekend we will usually go for a long walk somewhere on the Sunday. Saturday we typically go out for lunch and Saturday evening we often play a game. We do have the TV on in the evening usually but we might be reading or something while it is on.

What activities do your DPs enjoy?

My parents are also mid sixties, but they're both still working and active, they are constantly off on days out and holidays and visiting friends. I live closeby and see them regularly and we often makes plans together, they are genuinely good company.

I can see why sitting on the sofa making conversation for a whole weekend would be difficult, could you not make other plans whilst you were visiting to break the weekend up? Or suggest going out for dinner in the evening. Do you have any siblings you could coordinate a visit with?

They’re probably just as bored as you are, take them out, in the car that is.

Or they could be sulking because they only see you 4 times a year, so they’re making you suffer too.

I haven't ever had a 'home' to go back to, but there is no way I would choose to spend a weekend like that in someone else's house. In my own home, I do enjoy a few hours in goblin mode, reading the paper and drinking tea (but not with the TV on), because I am entirely relaxed. With family, or friends, I would expect to go out for a walk/for lunch/to visit a gallery or similar.

DD & DSIL came to stay for the weekend. DD and I went out for the day. Came back to find DH, DSIL & dog happily veging on the sofa having spent the entire afternoon working their way through a boxset they had started the previous day.

Why on earth should your parents have to do what you want when you go home?.if you want to go for a walk then go for a walk - don't insist that they go with you. It's their home, how would you like it if they insisted you did what they want when they visit you?

My adult daughter comes 'home' to see us. She usually goes out to see her local friends, or to see her sibling. If we want to sit and watch telly that's what we do. If we want to go out that's what we do. I ask her to let me know what meals she will be home for and make sure we have something she likes - and we enjoy the time we have together when she isn't out just chatting or doing nothing much in particular.

Home isn't a place where every activity has to be planned. If you are an adult surely you can decide for yourself what you want to do, in the same way that your parents can (with the proviso that you are all being respectful of each other's needs and wants and any house rules!)

That sounds extremely boring, but if that’s all they want to do can’t you go out and do things without them?

My parents are in their 70s. I only live an hour and a half or so away, so never go for more than one night and usually just go for the day. But either way the tv is seldom on. We'll chat and catch up over coffee / drinks, depending how early I get there. We'll go for a walk round the village, or further afield if we haven't had a drink and one of us is willing to drive. If I'm there for the night then we'll go out for at least one meal - probably supper. If a a day trip then sometimes we will eat out, sometimes at home. We'll chat over a drink in the evening after dinner. Some of the things we will have talked to death before, and some of the stories / reminiscing I have heard a thousand times. But, they won't be there for ever and I like the connection with relatives who are no longer with us, so I am happy to chat. If there are any bits around the garden that need doing then I might help out, or they have a chap in the village who will if I don't have the time or the inclination, I generally leave relaxed, or at least no more stressed than when I arrived 😂

Well I stopped thinking of it as home when I moved out, aged 18. Thereafter it was visiting my parents. No it was never that relaxing - though we'd always have a nice meal and a few glasses of wine. I never went with the expectation of it being relaxing and not sure why you would. I would chip in and help with meal prep, washing up, helping with any jobs they needed a hand with. My parents used to bicker a lot so it was more a question of having a peaceful effect, if possible. I wasn't expecting to be served tea and relax while they hosted.

I tend to feel the same when I go to stay at my mums. She lives in the absolute arse-end of nowhere, in this cold creaky house.

I've learnt from experience that 4 nights is my hard limit. There's just nothing to do at hers! I take a lot of books and do a lot of napping, purely because there's nothing else! I can't even watch my usual netflix or youtube, because I know she'd be sitting there going "this is boring/rubbish/not my thing." She's also soooo fixed in her mealtimes. Lunch is 12:30, dinner at 5pm, not a second before, or a second after. Often I just sit and wait for the next meal to happen, because it's something to do!

I've come to realise I just need my own space. My own sofa, my own tv, my own fridge.

As adults we all have our funny little habits, and like our own comforts.

That's not my experience at all. Does your mum not want to go shopping? Can you arrange a cinema trip so at least it's getting out and about and spending time driving and having a drink after?

Your parents sound dull. Do they literally just watch TV in their 60s? Do they think you want to come home for that?! Literally zero effort on their part.

My parents have no TV, so there’s a certain amount of sitting quietly and reading when we’ve exhausted the conversation.

We do, however, go out every day. Either a walk, a NT property, meal or similar. They’re 70’s.

I don’t consider it going home to relax though.
The furniture and furnishings are very functional and not at all cosy and it’s usually freezing.
However, the visits must be made………

It sounds utterly dull OP no wonder you are drain ed. My DM always taught us that having TV on withguests was a big no no but now she is 90 and widowed it is on non stop 😳and impossible to concentrate on a conversation or do anything. But 60sis very young to be so limited. Can you take a board game, cards, plan tickets for something they would enjoy eg Christmas lights at NT property or theatre? When our DC visit us (60s healthy mobile) we do walks, games, cooking, gardening in summer, bbqs, outings, reading and lots of debates🙄if your DPs refuse just d9 your own thing between sociable mealtimes?

Going home normally means being waited on 24/7 so it's very relaxing!

Seriously, my dad is up at 6am and when he hears me waking up he knocks to offer coffee, I'm asked what food I want for dinner (otherwise the default is my favourite), constant offers of food and drink and I cant offer to make cup of tea without someone springing up to snatch the cup out of my hand to make a round. The evening always finishes with the offer of a nightcap. So it's pretty lovely!

My parents complained about feeling old but when they lost weight they were suddenly born again hikers which I love. They've always watch soaps so that's a very comforting and familiar end to the day.

They also love having the heating on so it's always warm and clean and I love not worrying about how they are coping.

Going home rocks.

I love going home! It’s so chilled out and relaxing, my parent's house has such a lovely vibe and people are free to do whatever. It’s a place we can go to rest and recharge. So my experience is completely different to yours OP!

I find it exhausting! My parents are mid 70s. I spend the whole time I go back home dragging DM around to all the places/shops she loves that DF never takes her to. DF just disappears. I only see him at mealtimes.

DM moans about her ailments and DF. We get back after I've taken her out and then she has a one sided argument with DF.

They maybe visit me once every couple of years. DF expects me to be available 24/7 and a tour guide. DM also expects me to jolly/happy/a taxi service/know everything but not know everything iykwim.

They're coming over to visit soon. They don't stay at mine as they prefer to be in a hotel (my bathroom isn't up to scratch and my bed that I give up for them is uncomfortable). I'm disabled and have quite a few medical appointments whilst they're here and DF has already started complaining that he wants to spend all the time with me and how can I be busy when they're here (even though I never see him when I visit several times a year).

Bah! Sorry! I've overtaken the thread, sorry OP. I didn't realise quite how much I needed to vent!

My parents are in their seventies and very active, so you never get that sit on the sofa watching TV and making small talk stuff. It's the house I grew up in, too. Me, my DH and DD4 used to live there so we are quite happy going back.

My mum also likes the heating on so it's always warm and welcoming. I am looking forward to going back this Christmas!

My DPs have always been incredibly active and would never sit around watching tv .. in fact my DM is 90 now and I wish she would just sit and watch tv instead of wanting to be taken out and about .

But I do have some family members who seem just to have no interests or hobbies apart from the tv .. it's very draining to be in their company and I avoid it as much as possible .. equally I am sure they find my company just as tedious.

I am reminded of the one and only time we attempted to have a holiday with siblings & their spouses, between us all our lifestyles & interests were just so different that it was a never to be repeated experience .