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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch this friend?

44 replies

purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 12:48

Sorry this is looong!!

My closest friend had a nasty back injury about a year ago, she was put on all kinds of drugs by her GP, mostly opiates I think. Unfortunately she developed a bit of a habit and carried on taking them (still prescribed by her GP!) even after her back was better. I don’t know what it was exactly she was taking but it was pills that the GP gave her because she told them she had a problem so they were trying to wean her off. Her habit never became that bad. According to her she only ever took a few in the evening after she put her DC to bed when her DH was there (Although he never knew about it).

Personally I never saw her “high”. We often went out with our kids together to local playgroups and swimming and she seemed completely normal to me so I do believe her that she was only taking them at night.

She was open with me and another good friend of ours about it and said she was desperate to stop but didn’t know where to get help. I’ve only ever been understanding and non-judgemental with her and even looked up some local services for her to see if they could do a better job of supporting her than the GP was. The other friend, however (also a very close friend of mine) was not so understanding. She ripped into her about being a bad mother and how she didn’t deserve to have children! I was shocked at her lack of empathy. I’d never seen this side to her before. She obviously really, really upset the other friend and they stopped speaking. I didn’t really want to get involved and remained friends with both of them. I wondered what could have triggered it because she has no history of addiction in her family (the 3 of us have been friends since school). The only thing I could think was she had desperately wanted children and went through a number of unsuccessful IVF attempts before deciding to give up and maybe that in some way triggered it?

Anyway my friend accessed the support of a local service and with the help of them eventually came off everything she was taking. I was proud of her and told the other friend but she wasn’t interested in hearing it.

So to get to the point! This friend (after other friend had come off everything although I’m not totally clear she knew/believed that) made an anonymous report to social services and told them my friend was using very large amounts of drugs in front of her children every day (not true at the time of the report and not even true when she was using!). Not only that but she also called the DVLA and told them she regularly drives under the influence (also not true). This has had horrendous consequences for my friend- she’s had calls, visits from social services and she had her driving licence revoked! The friend denies it was her that made the reports but no one else knew the details she put in the report but me and her so it can’t have been anyone else.

I’m pretty appalled by what this friend has done. Until she did this I was happy to maintain my friendship with both of them separately and believe everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I’ve known her since we were 12 and I didn’t want to lose the friendship but I’m really disgusted by what she’s done. The other friend is obviously absolutely raging and wants to sue her for deliberately making a false report (I don’t know if she can do that?). Do I ditch this friend or try and stay out of it and maintain a friendship with both of them? The “bad” friend has really been there for me in the past when I had no one else and I sort of feel I owe her for those times

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 11/12/2023 12:59

It's not clear what the votes would be for.

If you are absolutely sure it couldn't be anyone else OP then I wouldn't want 'bad' friend in my life frankly. She may have an opinion but she has gone out of her way to ruin someone's life through baseless lies and manipulation.

Not my area of expertise, but why did DVLA revoke her license without evicence?

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 13:02

Yes I would ditch the bad friend and tell her why.

It’s important to have values/standards in life and people shouldn’t be able to get away with vindictive horrible things with no social consequences.

If you don’t ditch the bad friend, I struggle to see how the other friend could remain friends with you anyway, she would surely feel quite betrayed that you’re unable to take sides in such a clear case of her being mistreated?

So probably your decision is, do you stay friends with bad friend or stay friends with other friend - as I can’t see the other friend being your friend for very long if you show yourself to be so disloyal to her.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/12/2023 13:03

DVLA won’t just revoke a licence for no reason so there’s more to that!

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 13:03

Another one who is confused that a licence can be revoked without evidence! Is it just because she has a recorded history of opioid addiction? Really tragic that that happened to her by the way and she definitely shouldn’t be blamed and should be really proud that she made it through and has stopped using.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 11/12/2023 13:11

Are you sure it wasn't her gp who contacted social work and dvla? Your friend might still be addicted and not admitting it to you. It's not uncommon for addicts to relapse

purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 13:31

DVLA revoked her licence because of an “anonymous report from member of the public” DVLA then contacted her and asked if they could have access to her GP records (which she shouldn’t have said yes to I suppose but I don’t think she thought she’d have anything to hide) on her GP file would be previous addiction and the reason DVLA gave in the letter revoking the licence was something like “because of a substance abuse issue within the last 12 months”

OP posts:
purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 13:34

It was definitely her who reported to SS - SS sent my friend the written complaint, I read it, it was angry and personal and had details only the 3 of us know. SS actually seemed quite sympathetic towards her and seemed to understand the complaint was malicious but they still had to go through the process of home visits/multiple phone calls

OP posts:
purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 13:37

In my head I’ve pretty much already decided to cut this person out. What makes it difficult is it was just so out of the blue for her to do something like this and I’m wondering what could have possibly triggered it. She’s been there for me (and other friend) through some truly awful times, is empathetic, open-minded and trust worthy. I just don’t get it.

OP posts:
purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 13:43

Also my friend is (understandably) so angry she keeps talking about suing her. I’ve told her I don’t think she could sue her because there’s no way of proving it was her who made the complaint (even though we both know it was). Could she sue her?? I’m worried about what she will do if she can’t, as she’s been talking about smashing all her car windows! Or fucking with her and her DH’s relationship in some way. I get she wants revenge but I think she needs to take a legal route!

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 11/12/2023 13:50

Is it worth having a conversation with the 'bad' friend, being really honest with her about how shocked you are that she did this, and seeing if she has some explanation? You say she's been a good friend to you in the past, but some friendships just run their course, and it doesn't sound like you can get past this unless there is more going on than you are aware of right now.
Has your other friend actually spoken to a solicitor and had some proper legal advice? That would be the sensible next step for her, not taking the law into her own hands. To be honest, they both sound pretty hard work - what are you getting out of these friendships nowadays?

Headband · 11/12/2023 13:51

I don't think she can sue her . There's evidence of your friend's addiction so it'll be hard to prove that the report wasn't based on this.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 11/12/2023 13:59

I've reported a friend to SS once. I didn't do it vindictively, and I did try to help her in other ways before going down that route, but I was in a panic over the safety of her child and had no other options. It was the hardest decision, and it ruined the friendship of course. But she did get the support she needed to parent better and her child was safe.

So looking at this from a different perspective, it's not an easy decision to make and there may be more to the situation that you know.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 11/12/2023 15:11

@purpledaze24 I don't think you're getting the full story. Your friend was (possibly still is) addicted to opiates and is now talking about smashing car windows and fucking up relationships. Maybe social work should take a closer look and investigate further.

Addicts relapse and addicts lie. Your friend obviously needs help from somewhere. An opiate addiction is an opiate addiction, it doesn't matter that her drugs were prescribed. It's one the hardest substances to give up and it's never easy

purpledaze24 · 11/12/2023 19:51

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 11/12/2023 15:11

@purpledaze24 I don't think you're getting the full story. Your friend was (possibly still is) addicted to opiates and is now talking about smashing car windows and fucking up relationships. Maybe social work should take a closer look and investigate further.

Addicts relapse and addicts lie. Your friend obviously needs help from somewhere. An opiate addiction is an opiate addiction, it doesn't matter that her drugs were prescribed. It's one the hardest substances to give up and it's never easy

But what does her anger at what she sees as a horrible betrayal have to do with her still being an addict? If anything she’d be much calmer about the situation if she was still taking these drugs! I don’t blame her for feeling that angry, if it was our friend who’d done that to me I’d feel just as angry. Hence why I’m most likely going to cut the other friend out of my life. I know she isn’t using them anymore. I talk to her DH regularly about it (he knows everything now) and she’s always been 100% honest with me. She’s also changed massively since stopping. She definitely is not using anymore

OP posts:
stayathomer · 11/12/2023 20:04

Do you not think it’s possible that the friend who reported does actually know something about addiction? Like perhaps there’s a family history she hasn’t told anyone about? What she’s done is horrendous but I’d be thinking there’s a reasoning behind it

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2023 22:23

Yes I'd drop the friend. Not only has she behaved appallingly but I wouldn't trust her to not stab me in the back too.

MuggleMe · 11/12/2023 22:28

My instinct is to drop her, but as a long time friend I'd really want to get to the bottom of why on earth she did it. Could you go in compassionately to say you know it was her, you're worried about her, you don't want to lose her as a friend, can she help you understand what her thinking was etc. It's only repairable if she admits and explains and apologises to your wronged friend though.

SpringingJoy · 11/12/2023 22:33

You have no way of knowing that Friend B has no experience/family history of addiction. It's often not something people go around shouting about.

You also have no way of being certain it WAS friend B that reported her. Any details your friend told you and friend B she could also have told someone else.

And your friend who's now apparently NOT drug taking is ranting about revenge and smashing up windows?

The most silly and naiive thing you can do is trust a drug addict. Right now, that person is you.

Landlubber2019 · 11/12/2023 22:36

I wouldn't get involved tbh, I would distant myself from the bad friend to make malicious complaints to social care is not someone I need in my life. That's just me though!

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 23:51

You arent making much sense.

I know she isn’t using them anymore. you don't know that, you believe that.

I talk to her DH regularly about it (he knows everything now) you dont know that, she has form for lying about it.

and she’s always been 100% honest with me. as far as you know.

She’s also changed massively since stopping. noticeably? Because in your first post you said youd never know she was taking them as she was acting normal throughout her issue.

Stay out of it.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 12/12/2023 07:46

@purpledaze24 You are incredibly naive if you believe your friend is being completely honest with you.

You seem to think that your friends addiction is different because she doesn't fit the stereotype. The addiction is the same, they are driven by the same urge. It's much easier to hide the truth when you can afford to fund the habit. I've seen it happen in my own family, It's a slow decline that starts with prescription pain relief.

zoomiboomie · 12/12/2023 19:18

Yep. Cut her. She's awful. I can't even believe you are questioning this.

greencheetah · 12/12/2023 19:22

Definitely ditch the friend who made the false accusations.

Re the other friend, I would be clear that I understood her anger, but didn’t want to know about any revenge actions or plans.

reallypuzzledoverthis · 12/12/2023 19:27

I don’t believe a social worker showed her the letter of complaint as that’s a massive no no and I also think there is more she isn’t telling you as social workers don’t keep going and ringing for nothing especially not on the back of one letter

BYDboard · 12/12/2023 19:37

I had a friend who had an opiate addiction starting from a bad run of horrible medical issues too - very hard to kick and a common story I bet when you’ve had opiates for awful pain for a length of time. I wouldn’t trust the bad friend now as far as I could throw her, although on the driving thing it sounds as though GP/services etc should’ve told her not to drive?

I can understand why the ‘addict’ friend is angry but she does need to move on too.