To ditch this friend?

[purpledaze24]

Sorry this is looong!!

My closest friend had a nasty back injury about a year ago, she was put on all kinds of drugs by her GP, mostly opiates I think. Unfortunately she developed a bit of a habit and carried on taking them (still prescribed by her GP!) even after her back was better. I don’t know what it was exactly she was taking but it was pills that the GP gave her because she told them she had a problem so they were trying to wean her off. Her habit never became that bad. According to her she only ever took a few in the evening after she put her DC to bed when her DH was there (Although he never knew about it).

Personally I never saw her “high”. We often went out with our kids together to local playgroups and swimming and she seemed completely normal to me so I do believe her that she was only taking them at night.

She was open with me and another good friend of ours about it and said she was desperate to stop but didn’t know where to get help. I’ve only ever been understanding and non-judgemental with her and even looked up some local services for her to see if they could do a better job of supporting her than the GP was. The other friend, however (also a very close friend of mine) was not so understanding. She ripped into her about being a bad mother and how she didn’t deserve to have children! I was shocked at her lack of empathy. I’d never seen this side to her before. She obviously really, really upset the other friend and they stopped speaking. I didn’t really want to get involved and remained friends with both of them. I wondered what could have triggered it because she has no history of addiction in her family (the 3 of us have been friends since school). The only thing I could think was she had desperately wanted children and went through a number of unsuccessful IVF attempts before deciding to give up and maybe that in some way triggered it?

Anyway my friend accessed the support of a local service and with the help of them eventually came off everything she was taking. I was proud of her and told the other friend but she wasn’t interested in hearing it.

So to get to the point! This friend (after other friend had come off everything although I’m not totally clear she knew/believed that) made an anonymous report to social services and told them my friend was using very large amounts of drugs in front of her children every day (not true at the time of the report and not even true when she was using!). Not only that but she also called the DVLA and told them she regularly drives under the influence (also not true). This has had horrendous consequences for my friend- she’s had calls, visits from social services and she had her driving licence revoked! The friend denies it was her that made the reports but no one else knew the details she put in the report but me and her so it can’t have been anyone else.

I’m pretty appalled by what this friend has done. Until she did this I was happy to maintain my friendship with both of them separately and believe everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I’ve known her since we were 12 and I didn’t want to lose the friendship but I’m really disgusted by what she’s done. The other friend is obviously absolutely raging and wants to sue her for deliberately making a false report (I don’t know if she can do that?). Do I ditch this friend or try and stay out of it and maintain a friendship with both of them? The “bad” friend has really been there for me in the past when I had no one else and I sort of feel I owe her for those times

please strongly advise your good friend not to take revenge, it could easily back fire. Remind her that the best revenge is a life well lived! Her bitterness will only hold her back. Also it’s pointless trying to workout why she became addicted as only she can do that through counselling. Most importantly it’s best to look forwards and focus on the positives.

in light of the good friend being off medication, the bad friend behaved nastily in reporting when clean. I can understand reporting if found driving when high however. Personally I would challenge bad friend about her behaviour and tell her how upset you are about the malicious reporting.

I don’t understand the DVLA thing at all. I think you can drive on opiates if they have been prescribed and don’t affect your judgement to drive. If the GP was still prescribing them I can’t see how they can prove she was driving when taking them and without asking her how they affected her.

I agree - the bad friend may have been a good friend to you but do something she doesn't like and she has shown what she is capable of.
I also think if you believe in what you are reporting there is no need (unless you would be in danger ) to report someone anonymously - it is cowardly.

OP, just as an aside - opiates are addictive. You don't need any family history or other 'trigger', they are addictive all by themselves.

Has reporting friend spoken of seeing addicted friend under the influence, either in the past or recently? The only thing I can imagine that could reasonably trigger her first outburst and then the reporting is if she'd been shaken by seeing addicted friend out of it. Otherwise it's a massive overreaction and very cruel I think, and I couldn't stay friends with her. I think you've got to ask her.

It’s called a freedom of information request - anyone that has had a complaint made about them to SS (I don’t know about other services as well but definitely SS) can request this. SS sent the complaint to my friend, I read it. Google it if you don’t believe me

@purpledaze24 Is this a reverse?

What does that mean?

Good on friend B I say.

So many children suffer abuse and neglect because people are too scared to report friends or family members. She did what was right.

I don't think you are getting the full story. The driver license part asking for medical records .

I wouldn’t be friends with the vindictive friend, but it’s also quite unhinged to talk about smashing someone’s car windows because you’re angry with them. That’s not normal surely? I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that either!

Well it's not because you can't use a freedom of information request to access personal data.

Where child protection is concerned I don’t believe you can access this type of info freely at all!

TBH this whole thing doesn’t stack up at all

Your friend is nasty and frankly a spiteful psycho for what she's done. No person in their right mind would go to those lengths.

You need to decide who you want to be friends with because I can't see how friend no.1 could be friends with you while you are friendly with a woman who made her life hell.

@purpledaze24 Are you the one with the addiction?

None of your story sounds right at all and you seem to think that opiate addiction is no big deal

You seem affronted by what you assume a friend did maliciously, but you do not know the full story, only the parent in question does. The sad fact is that parenting standards vary massively and what is ok by someone else’s standards can be unacceptable to you. Therefore some parents put their children at risk without even believing that they are. They then jump up and down complaining when social care get involved. Your best move now, would be to keep well away from both of these women and focus on your own children. And DVLA do not revoke a license for nothing.

I am social worker. If a safeguarding concern comes in we always assume it’s genuine until evidence is found to the contrary, clearly there was evidence to back up some concerns.
Freedom of Information requests are for access to information that the public has a right to see or can be deemed in the public interest. Social services would not hand out all and any information, especially if included the details of anyone else. Something is not quite right in this story. Which is the problem, only the actual person involved knows, and often they don’t see a problem with their actions so think everyone else has a problem, or is against them.

Lol I am not the one with the addiction. This friend is like a sister to me though and I care deeply about her, we’ve been super close since we were 12. Unfortunately I’ve known the other one for just as long and am (was) just as close to her. That’s what makes it tough, I’m appalled by what she’s done but also grieving the loss of one of my oldest friends.

It’s kinda annoying the people who have said they don’t believe SS sent my friend the complaint esp when they’re just speculating. Are you too lazy to do a 2 minute bit of research that would clearly tell you that you’re going to look pretty stupid stating something as fact with no research to back it up? Also, why would I lie about that? It wouldn’t make sense. Look at this link: clanchildlaw.org and scroll down to “social work records” it says it plain as day there. I’m sure you’ll find the same thing on many other websites.

As for not believing me about DVLA. Geez, I come on here for a bit of advice about a difficult friendship situation and for someone I’m trying to help and my story gets picked apart like I’m lying? Why would I lie? This is not happening to me, it is happening to someone I love. I don’t know the ins and outs of the dvla, I’ve never had much dealing with them. All I know is there was an anonymous complaint, dvla asked to access gp records, on there would have been historic substance abuse and dvla sent a letter saying her licence had been revoked for 12 months because of “substance abuse within the last 12 months”. She showed me the letter, that’s what it said. She’s never driven under the influence to my knowledge- if she had the letter would have said an entirely different thing.

And yeah maybe I don’t know the full story, but I know my friend needs support and “getting rid” of her as some posters suggested is the last thing she, and anyone else with MH and addiction issues needs

How could you trust her again after what she did? What if she becomes jealous of your life and wants to ruin it? I would turn her in for false reporting. The opioid epidemic has been well documented and it's not the fault of those who became addicted. This is really appalling.

Yes this is the conclusion I have come to. I am going to cut off contact with her. I wouldn’t go so far as to report her for false reporting but my friend wants to, which I totally understand. However I’ve told her she’s unlikely to get anywhere as it was an anonymous report and there’s no actual proof it was her (even though we know it was). I am completely of the opinion people with addiction problems need support from those closest to them and that is what I have done for my friend. It still baffles me that my other friend (all 3 of us apparently having the same values and beliefs) could see it so differently. As I said in an earlier post, the only thing I can think that triggered it is her being unable to have children and possibly creating a narrative in her head of her being able to have kids easily and then because she suffered from an addiction issue she wasn’t being grateful for them
or something like that, but I am just speculating