To be exhausted with neighbour’s nosey interference

[swappingwellies]

Hi MN!
I’m at my wits’ end with neighbour. We moved in a couple of years ago - all has been great. Apart from the neighbour whom we share a wall with. She has been increasingly unreasonable on her demands of our family to be ‘quiet’. For context we have teenage DS and DD who spend a large amount of time out and when home they watch sports or will be playing computer games. Don’t have friend’s over, no loud music played and no instruments either. Yet we have regular ‘knocking’ on our wall from said neighbour if we open or close a window or if we are talking with friends or cleaning the floors . An example: we had our friends over - he had just lost his mum and was very sad and needed to talk over his feelings. It was such a sombre moment; we get a knock on our wall from next door- again indicating we’re being too loud. I cannot imagine how loud we could be if our friend is grieving his mum and he is literally in tears. It’s becoming exhausting and the last message I received has left me quite frankly perplexed. The email has complained of alarms going off too early- DS and DD are up at 6am for school and ‘non stop banging thereafter’. Completely exaggerated and we are beside ourselves on how much control neighbour wishes to exert on our daily lives. We have tried to talk things over and show understanding; have made sure not to have tv volume loud after certain time at night, we make sure not to vaccuum after 5pm, no washing machine or dishwasher either. But all our efforts are of no use and neighbour is always angry and seething.
any advice and opinions would be great. Would love to have a peaceful festive period for both neighbour and our sake…

I would be inclined to reply with 'We are not actually making a lot of noise, probably less than the average family with teens. We will be ignoring any further knocking or complaining, because you are the one who is actually disturbing our daily lives right now'.

I say this as someone who is very sensitive to noise but who also accepts that other people have to live their lives, and some noise from neighbours is to be expected.

Sounds like this person is used to moaning about every little thing and everyone walking around on eggshells to appease them!

Do you hear them at all? Start knocking when you hear them talking or closing windows etc. See how they like it.

I would give her a rocket for knocking on the wall when you have a crying friend round

If it's really disturbing her, she would hear the crying! What sort of monster would complain at that? Honestly your neighbour is a psycho.

With these sorts of people appeasement doesn't work. Nothing you do is ever enough, they thrive on the drama. The more you do the more they complain because they know it works

Draw a line now and tell her you will be contacting the police for advice because her behaviour is now verging on harassment.

Think I'd go for shock and awe tactics!
Next time she complains I'd say, "You think we're noisy? Standby!" And then give her an hour or so of vacuum, banging, Motorhead, etc.

Then very calmly pop back around and say, "Would you like to discuss..."

You ignore them. You have bent over backwards to accommodate their unreasonable demands, but the more you give up the more they demand.

No more. Your submissive behaviour stops now. The worm has turned.

Make as much normal household noise as you want. Use the vacuum/dishwasher/washing machine after 5pm. Sing, dance, play music. You know what a reasonable level of noise is, and when is a reasonable time to turn it down.

Live your life comfortably in your own home.

Agree with this. I'm very noise sensitive but she sounds insane.

Report to the non emergency police or council as harassment. Live your life as normal and ignore her. If she wants silence she needs to move to a detached house.

This.

This.

She can also invest in soundproofing if it's bothering her so much.

My only teeeeny bit of empathy is if the neighbours before you were super quiet like a single elderly person, she may just have not been aware of how much sound carries between the houses so it's a big shock now. But she should still be able to intellectually distinguish between 'thin walls are the problem' and 'inconsiderate neighbours are the problem'.

I do agree with others that you do need to have it out with her (via email if face to face is too hard) and say that certain elements of your life are non negotiable. The kids need to be up for school and will set alarms. They need to get ready, if this causes banging, too bad. You will have conversations with friends! And that her banging on the party wall will not cease any of this, so she should stop, and if she wants to seek a solution she should consider adjustments to her own property like soundproofing. Or earplugs.

She's welcome to come live next to me, my kids have special needs and scream the place down for about 14 hours of every day :-)

(My neighbours are lovely and when we've had a bad day of screaming they bring me cake rather than chastise or bang!!!)

As above-I’d drop her a line. We’ve tried being nice; we don’t make noise beyond normal living. We are going to carry on doing so. Stop knocking/banging; it won’t stop us living our lives, however, should you continue to do so, we will be reporting you to the police for ongoing harassment. We have the evidence to do so. Do not contact us again.

A 5pm curfew for using appliances is ridiculous. It's good to be considerate when you share a wall, but 8 or 9 would be more than reasonable.

You need to stand up to your neighbour a bit. Asap. Because they're nuts.

My first move would be to go there and listen to what she considers excessive noise so I know if she has any reason to complain or not.

Ask to go round there whilst another member of your family sets off an alarm or has a conversation or shuts a door so that you can hear for yourself.

Can you hear her?

It sounds like she is alone and doesn't listen to radio or tv so that every noise you make is amplified in her mind.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Block and do not engage.

When you live in an adjoining semi detached/terraced house you have to expect some noise.

If you don’t want noise - live in a detached house.

I have a neighbour like this in her 80’s joined to me. We are very respectful, try not to make much noise, yet I can hear her TV blaring, her very loud washing machine spinning at midnight and (probably to wind me up) - she’s put a very loud chiming clock on the front bedroom wall which I hear chiming every bastard 15 minutes.

She’s constantly banging on the wall / playing her radio on full volume.

I tried being polite but after 7 years of her bat shittery I realised you can’t ration with people like this. They are disordered in their thinking.

She would constantly email / phone me (our builder gave her my details once). After many ‘caps lock’ shouty messages, I warned her I was blocking her and would not be picking up further messages (which I did).

She did start taking photos out of her front window on her iPad of me / my DH coming in and out of her house, which I reported to the police and they put a community support officer on it and it was logged.

She’s now started on the other side.

Sad really as she’s lived in the street since 1943 but has completely alienated herself from everyone due to her moaning.

My advice - ignore, ignore, ignore.

Good luck 🤞

I'd start with always having some music or the tv on. If she's listening for sound it's more obvious when there's a bang in the middle of silence. That's less obvious if it's surrounded by radio eg. It's harder to discern.
I'm not saying have Metallica on at full volume but if she's used to a silent neighbour this might be a way to slowly introduce her to normal.

Tell her to get to fuck, then block her.

And dont answer the door to her.

If she doesnt like the noise, standard home noise as you describe OP, she can fuck off to a cave.

Been in this situation. It is harassment as the council will tell you. We moved. The relief is IMMENSE! And sold to people with a baby and a 2 year old. I like to think she now appreciates how much we tiptoed around trying to be quiet!

i would just live normally and absolutely ignore crazy demands, there is nothing wrong with a quick hoover at 7pm. She will either get fed up and get the message, or call the police who I’m sure will find it hilarious and tell her not to bother you again

It sounds like she has sensitised herself to tune into every noise from your side and become enraged by it. At this stage it is her problem. Tell her you will get theCouncil to come with a noise meter, because her banging is making more noise in your house than your daily activity is making in hers.

I should have added to my earlier post….

My batshit neighbour treated to call the police when we were playing Monopoly as a family one Saturday night’s - as she wasn’t happy with the noise.

We live in a London. Before I blocked her I told her ‘to fill her boots - I’m sure the police on a Saturday night would divert scarce resources from stabbings etc investigate a disturbance caused by a game of Monopoly’.

Complete f@cking nutcase…..

Reply and be firm. And suggest they move and buy a house without a shared wall… this is very much their problem!

Haha love this suggestion! Complain about her banging the wall! Cuz that definitely makes a loud noise!

You can't appease a bully, stick up for yourself!

Stick up for yourselves, the neighbour needs to move to a detached house.

maybe she needs to be introduced to our neighbours - she wouldn’t be complaining about you then, she would think you are as silent as those silent retreats are!

op your fine and there isn’t anything out of the ordinary you are doing - except the 5pm curfew for washing machine etc which is nice, but not really needed in normal family life ?