To be exhausted with neighbour’s nosey interference

[swappingwellies]

Hi MN!
I’m at my wits’ end with neighbour. We moved in a couple of years ago - all has been great. Apart from the neighbour whom we share a wall with. She has been increasingly unreasonable on her demands of our family to be ‘quiet’. For context we have teenage DS and DD who spend a large amount of time out and when home they watch sports or will be playing computer games. Don’t have friend’s over, no loud music played and no instruments either. Yet we have regular ‘knocking’ on our wall from said neighbour if we open or close a window or if we are talking with friends or cleaning the floors . An example: we had our friends over - he had just lost his mum and was very sad and needed to talk over his feelings. It was such a sombre moment; we get a knock on our wall from next door- again indicating we’re being too loud. I cannot imagine how loud we could be if our friend is grieving his mum and he is literally in tears. It’s becoming exhausting and the last message I received has left me quite frankly perplexed. The email has complained of alarms going off too early- DS and DD are up at 6am for school and ‘non stop banging thereafter’. Completely exaggerated and we are beside ourselves on how much control neighbour wishes to exert on our daily lives. We have tried to talk things over and show understanding; have made sure not to have tv volume loud after certain time at night, we make sure not to vaccuum after 5pm, no washing machine or dishwasher either. But all our efforts are of no use and neighbour is always angry and seething.
any advice and opinions would be great. Would love to have a peaceful festive period for both neighbour and our sake…

After my awful experienced with neighbors I'm very sensitive to noise. But ordinary living noise doesn't bother me. Everyone has to live.

I'm now in a detached home.

The next time she does it go around there and tell her to pack it in otherwise you'll report her for harassment. And then report her.

My neighbours, who I’d never had any problems with in ten years, suddenly turned into fanatical “wall bangers” at the slightest sound (I won’t even call it noise) during lockdown. Opening and closing my blinds, even chopping vegetables… bang bang bang. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been for the fact that their previously sweet little twins chose that exact moment to turn into absolutely feral teenagers. Screaming matches, throwing each other around the room - the lot. I was the one who should have been complaining about noise!

Anyway, one day I just flipped. I’d had a long, stressful day, really did not feel like cooking, but had to do it anyway. I’d started chopping carrots and there it was - bang bang bang. I banged back so hard that the walls were damn near shaking. I yelled at the top of my voice, “I am JUST chopping vegetables! I’m using the fucking chopping board! You don’t need to bang on the wall for a fucking chopping board, I’m sick of it!!!”

It went almost deathly quiet then 😁 It hasn’t been a deliberate strategy, but I’ve chopped my veggies in peace ever since!

The banging while you were consoling your bereaved friend would have pushed me over the edge I'm afraid and I would probably have gone round and given her a piece of my mind. Maybe that's what she needs, for you to lose your patience and tell her in no uncertain terms how unreasonable she's being? I don't think you should be creeping around your own home the way you are either, my DM lives like that due to batshit neighbours and I really wish she wouldn't as she's doing nothing wrong or out of the ordinary.

Get in contact with soundproofing companies and give them your NDN's address as the contact. They'll get loads of information on how to soundproof their home as a result.

You carry on doing what you're doing.

I have to say I am beyond relieved to read all your comments. I have spent the last few months second guessing the situation and quite frankly my DC are getting fed up of the tiptoeing around.
in response to the comments - we have tried tirelessly to understand, appease, make amends and finally be very blunt about the situation. Nothing seems to help. I will have to (reluctantly) report the matter to our council.
i have always had mixed feelings about our neighbour ranging from sympathy (lives alone with the cats- at least if there were dogs there would be more noise!) tried to always give the benefit of the doubt to downright enraged.
it’s just a shame you only really get to find out how thin the walls are, after you have moved in. It should definitely be part of the property searches and report!
the owners before were young professionals- and I’ve heard from same neighbour how they were unreasonable and loud as they were always having BBQs in the garden! She then proceeded to add how a few other neighbours chat loudly and pointed out their ethnicities! I just laughed and said surely they bring life to our street.
beyond any rational thinking and I’m so grateful for the advice. I feel confident in my decision to report the situation and give the family permission ‘to live’ reasonably at home!

Send her a clear email advising you are making no noise, just normal family living

she is to stop banging on the wall with immediate affect as it’s anti social behaviour and from now on you will log each episode with the police, and do it via 101 online. Advise her if she is that concerned about the noise she can contact the council, who will confirm it’s normal living. She can also get sound proofing done her side if she wishes

This from @Laffinalltheway really is the only way to deal with your bonkers neighbour.

Start living your life as normal OP and totally ignore from now on. Block the email address and stop creeping around. The worse they can do is report you and then you will have somebody come round, confirm you are not the problem and that's it. Keep a note of every time she bangs on the wall as a record of harassment.

Stop trying to be quiet, just live normally.

She sounds like ti's pointless talking to her, so my advice would be - If she bangs, bang back, louder and for longer.

You're rewarding her behaviour by bending to her unreasonableness, stop doing that. Make it so her banging has the opposite effect from what she wants.

Your nieghbour is totally out of order and has no right to cause you, your family and your visitors such uproar.

I strongly suggest that you contact your local authority ( council website) with a list of the incidents, which have occurred, include dates and times I suggest you make the list on a note app on your phone so it's easier for you to keep a log, and include as much details as possible.

Also, include details of how you, your family and your friend felt, especially when he was distressed, poor soul and the impact this selfish, foolish and spiteful idiot has caused.

You can just copy and paste list you made onto the online form and an advisor should contact you some time in the future.

The nieghbour is likely to recieve a warning in writing to stop the anti social behaviour or she'll be issued with a noise abatement order.

Local authorities have anti social behaviour officers who can deal with idiot nieghbours.

The warnings usually do the trick.

Hope this helps, and all the best.

I had obnoxious neighbours who objected to my walking across my living room over their bedroom. They would knock on parts which resonated in my bedroom another floor up an hour after I had gone to bed! They had the Environmental Health Officer in, having first turned their heating up, because it increased the flooring board movement. She had the measure of them and they didn't accept her assessment. But nothing they could do. I fixed the floor. I knew they were batshit from the morning I had diarrhoea so flushed the loo twice in five minutes, which would have been heard in their empty spare bedroom - so there was intense banging. half my age.

What I meant to say - contact the EHO.

I'm not being funny but I would have gone through her like a dose of salts for the grieving friend incident alone.

You need to stop trying to please her.

Tell her that her behaviour is harassment and she needs to stop. That you aren't making an unreasonable amount of noise and if she wants silence she needs to move to a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

You will never ever be quiet enough for her but the more you try the more you show her she can continue to make unreasonable demands.

This!

I'd show her exactly how noisy a normal family can be!

This. I would go further and take it as a license to make noise whenever I wanted.

You've tried to accommodate her but it seems nothing short of absolute silence will suffice.

I think I'd just message her and tell her your family are not noisy and are entitled to live a normal life and not creep around to please neighbours. I'd also be tempted to let them know you are keeping a log of her complaints and wall banging to submit to the council as harassment.

If she wishes to record noise volume she can get a meter from the council but the standard background noise level of acceptable noise is fairly high - definitely way higher than your neighbour seemingly wants!

Stop pandering to her, OP. You've tried your best but it will never be enough.

I'd do this

Another vote for live normally and bang on the wall when she does. She can live in a detached house or wear ear plugs if she hates noise so much. Move your hoover curfew until 8:30pm.

Good luck, OP.

At the grieving situation I would have gone round and asked her exactly what it was she heard. She'll either have to admit it was crying and look like a total arsehole, or that it was not loud enough to know what it was.

Send her an email asking her to stop knocking on the wall as she is being incredibly noisy herself! And in future everytime she knocks on the wall just knock back.

Send her in a set of earplugs for Christmas.

Carry on living, you cannot and will not win with these people. But do confront her if she bangs on the wall again. Tell her to her face that she is being totally unreasonable, and that you WILL NOT be bullied by anyone, especially her, and face her down. Let her see that you will not be walked on like a doormat.

Even if she carries on, you will be SO satisfied that you stood up to the mad mare. Next step report for harrassment. Good luck, bullies hate to be confronted. Do it.

Your neighbour is being very unreasonable, everything you have said is normal living noise. The only time I think anyone has genuine reason to complain about neighbours is loud music played after a certain time or on a regular basis, dogs barking all the time, screaming arguments etc.

I lived next to door to a screaming baby, I would never dream of saying anything as its just life and I was thankful I didnt have to get out of bed! Ive also lived next door to someone who left for work at 5 am in a noisy van, again thats just life.

I think I would tell her that you’ve tried your best to be beyond mindful of noise but her expectations are having an effect on family life. If she continues, you will consider it harassment and will pursue it as such. You are entitled to have normal family noise.

I also have a batshit neighbour. We are incredibly quiet.
She bangs her doors all day (fuck knows why as she lives alone) and watches tv loud at night and the rare times her GC visit they literally scream all day and all night.
If we made even a small noise she used to bang on the wall. In reaction, I was always noiser. It stopped her eventually.
It was totally a power thing with her to put us our place.
DH was putting a small shed together one day. She was so furious that she got a hammer and a piece of wood and sat banging it in her garden to get at us. Until she saw me and DD laughing from an upstairs window. Bananas.