Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to buy presents back?

38 replies

Newbie1011 · 11/12/2023 11:34

I have two DC, 3 and 6. We are having a quiet Xmas this year, my DH, 2 DC, my Dsis and Dmum. DH’s family are going abroad and we’ve mutually agreed no gifts exchanged between us.

I was planning to buy for the people we are actually seeing and leaving it at that.

However now some of my wider family like aunt (who has grown up DC) and cousin (who has no DC) have messaged saying they are buying Xmas presents for my DC even though we aren’t seeing each other and where should they be posted to etc. The cousin even asked their clothing sizes!

My DH thinks if they want to send a little something for our kids that’s up to them, it doesn’t mean we have to buy them gifts back, especially since they are not buying for me and DH.

But I think it’s a bit uncomfortable that they are buying for my DC and getting nothing from us in return (because they don’t have kids we could buy for)

I just wish they weren’t sending anything, it’s a bit ridiculous, we don’t see them very much and our DC will have more than enough gifts but I know it would cause more offence than anything to say ‘please don’t send gifts’

DH says if we sent them adult gifts that would be weird as they don’t buy us adult gifts!! Ahhh!

Who is right/ WWYD??

YABU - DH is right, thank them for the gifts but send nothing back

YANBU - you need to send them a gift

OP posts:
justalittlesnoel · 11/12/2023 11:39

YABU

I buy to give, not to get. If they want to treat your DC to something nice for Christmas, that's lovely of them. If they've attached any expectations to that, that's a them issue.

AbsolutelyNebulous · 11/12/2023 11:41

Those aren’t the only options. You could respond thanking them for thinking of your DC but politely telling them it’s not necessary to buy them gifts, maybe something along the lines of you’re conscious that it’s such an expensive time of year, cost of living etc.

Do they/you usually exchange gifts or is this completely out of the blue?

Mariposista · 11/12/2023 11:46

Treat them when you do meet up to a nice lunch or dinner. Too much faff to be sending things.

Housebuyer37 · 11/12/2023 11:51

My child free cousins buy for my kids but we never get them anything. Never thought anything of it

Jaxhog · 11/12/2023 11:58

Don't send them a present, but send a nice handwritten thankyou note.

CaramelMac · 11/12/2023 12:02

DHs aunts and uncles buy for our kids and we don’t buy them anything, we send a thank you and a picture of them holding/wearing the gift. It’s fine, they won’t be expecting anything in return, if they were then they’d be buying adult gifts too.

Original poster
Newbie1011 · 11/12/2023 12:06

Thanks for all the replies, very useful!

@AbsolutelyNebulous it’s not totally out of the blue and is a bit of a grey area! Some years we have done big family christmases and in those years I’ve usually bought something small to exchange with them under the tree. One year my aunt hosted, so we bought her a more substantial gift that year, partly in recognition of the fact that she was putting a lot into hosting us all. But she hasn’t routinely bought me a gift since I was a child. She does usually send the DC birthday gifts as well though which is why I feel it’s additionally awkward / unequal I guess.
Other years, the cousin has been abroad and we haven’t seen each other so I haven’t seen it as necessary to get her a gift. Having DC seems to have complicated the issue, she has decent disposable income and seems to enjoy buying them gifts, but I suppose it just feels awkward to me as we don’t see her much.
@Jaxhog yes will definitely always send nice handwritten thank you notes for any gifts to the DC, am very big on that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbie1011 · 11/12/2023 12:06

@CaramelMac thanks for that - sounds like this is more common than I thought!

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 11/12/2023 12:20

My BIL used to buy my kids presents - really we (I mean my husband) wasn't that close to him and never bought his kids gifts. We didn't see them often so the gifts wouldn't be given til about March, even more awkward! We just thanked them but I wasn't going to start with their three kids (not to mention all the other cousins) and hoped they'd stop after a year or two.
I agree with your husband. I love buying cute gifts for young children, and I certainly am not expecting anything back. As you've told everyone no gifts if they go ahead just thank them and leave it.

LittleOwl153 · 11/12/2023 12:25

Send them a piece of your 3yr olds art work in the new year... ir even a Christmas piece.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/12/2023 12:26

Yanbu but I would just put cash in a card for the kids rather than posting a pressie

TeacherPlease · 11/12/2023 12:27

DH is right, I am childless, have an agreement with all adults outside of direct family that we don’t exchange gifts, but I do buy gifts for nieces, nephews and friends children. I don’t expect (or want) anything in return!

UsingChangeofName · 11/12/2023 12:32

Yes, your dh is right.

I am just getting to the stage of having great nieces and nephews. At a time of life when I have more disposable income.

It is lovely to be able to get them some clothes or books or toys.
I would be horrified if my nieces then felt they had to get something for me. It's not how it works. It is absolutely my pleasure to get something for the little ones, even for me, who is not a big shopper, and was fully on board with stopping buying for nieces and nephews once they got to 18.

HAF1119 · 11/12/2023 12:33

A handmade Christmas card or little Christmas craft from the children would probably be appreciated but I wouldn't think of it beyond that!

ManateeFair · 11/12/2023 12:36

I'm with your DH. I got presents from aunts and uncles when I was a kid, but there was no expectation from them of getting a grown-up gift in return.

What have they done in previous years, though? Would you usually see them on Christmas Day?

I think if you send something back, you'll set a precedent. If you don't, then they can decide for themselves whether they want to continue sending to your DC or not. If they do, fine - you still don't have to buy anything back. If they don't, that's also fine.

WrongSwanson · 11/12/2023 12:38

I think people like treating the children in their family.

I had very little money when mine were small but would send a photo of the child abd a handmade card or decoration

MojoJojo71 · 11/12/2023 23:28

Who they buy for is up to them, it doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate.

I buy very few people gifts; my parents, my brother, SIL, nephew and my kids and that’s it. It reduces cost, stress and waste.

My kids get presents every year from several aunts and cousins because it gives them pleasure to treat them but I have never bought them anything in return.

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 00:04

Lots of people find joy in giving, not receiving. Especially for children. And many of us don't want or need anything we might get as a gift.

Either accept graciously and don't make any excuses, or reply back, thank you but you really shouldn't or we have agreed to limit gifts this year.

Our neighbours bring gifts for the child every year. At first I panicked and grabbed a box of chocs from under the tree. Then I started buying them something.
Then I thought they won't bother now the kids are older so I didn't get anything to give in return....but neighbours still get them a lovely gift every year and genuinely expect nothing in return....or they would have stopped by now.

kissnm · 12/12/2023 00:07

Honestly I’d say do what feels right. If you don’t get them a token gift, they may not reciprocate gifts in the future for example cause they’ve learnt a boundary - which isn’t a bad thing. Equally you could give a token gift like a box of chocolates - depends whether that puts you out or not, and what precedent you want to set

I have some friends I buy for during Christmas and birthdays etc and some I don’t. I’m much happier knowing where I stand with those I don’t buy for instead of trying to anticipate hurt feelings or trying to match budgets etc. it doesn’t mean we’re not friends, we’re just not close friends or not in a financial position to buy gifts - and that’s okay

penjil · 12/12/2023 01:40

Just chill out and let them buy the presents.

It doesn't have to be reciprocated, and I'm sure they're not expecting it to be.

Some people like giving.

Just relax and enjoy it. You're overthinking it all.

Kitkatcatflap · 12/12/2023 02:28

I agree with your DH. You have said yourself she has a decent income and she enjoys shopping. Don't be so suspicious - a Christmas few tokens for kids is a nice gesture.

As others have suggested, write a note saying thank you and send a photo of your DC's playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

telestrations · 12/12/2023 04:51

It's perfectly fine for gifts to be given to children only. I've given many and never expected one in return as I didn't give to the parents, deliberately so they wouldn't feel that have to for me.

A thank you card from the children would more then go down well

Noicant · 12/12/2023 05:29

I bought for nieces and nephews for years before having my own. Never expected anything back

Zanatdy · 12/12/2023 05:34

I’d send a nice box of luxury chocs via Amazon

Wildhorses2244 · 12/12/2023 05:43

There are quite a few older people in my wider family who buy for my kids but who I wouldn’t buy adult presents for.

I usually send them a card with a present from the kids in. A drawing, a home made tree decoration, peppermint creams - something like that.

We have one craft day pre-Christmas and everyone gets the same thing.

I’ve got a friend who does the same idea with a video of the kids singing a carol whivh I always thought was very clever - I’d probably have done this if I’d thought of it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread