Would you expect OH to look after sick toddler?

[Sleepy987]

I currently have flu so I’m off work and my toddler is also really poorly. I’m solo parenting whilst my DH goes to work but man I’m struggling. Would you expect your other half take the day off work to look after toddler whilst you focused on getting better yourself or would you just suck it up and solo parent whilst feeling like death? Is this just “parenting”? 😂

I had 3 children and could count on one hand (probably with most fingers left over) the number of times I asked someone else to look after any of them because I was too ill. Not that I was a martyr, just that you muddle through.

I wouldn't expect my husband to use up sick leave to mind me and DC, I'm a grown woman and can muddle through. Only if I physically couldn't leave the bed, then it wouldn't be safe or fair on DC. Equally, he's been ill and had to soldier on with DC at home while I went to work. I would expect the healthy partner to bring home food and pull their weight on housework, but not call in themselves.

It depends how easy it is for him to take a day off. It is unfortunately just parenting sometimes we have to suck it up, but if it’s not a problem for him to be off then do it. Actually the fact that it’s only Monday I’d say get the help, if it was the end of the week I’d try to suck it up

If you are on your mobile asking mumsnet you are probably safe to battle on - when I had covid recently I couldn’t even face reading texts! Have also looked after two toddlers when I had food poisoning - not fun. I’m afraid that’s being a parent.

Sadly, I think it's more "that's being a mum".

In the OPs defence, they last posted about 6 hours ago, so in all likelihood they are too unwell to look at their phone.

Oh come on. You must have or had exceedingly easy toddlers if a day of toddler childcare is no more difficult than a single, short Mumsnet post!

That's an extreme example though.
Obviously if you are physically unable to take care of your DC then you need more support from the other parent, but its not the case for every illness.

No. Been parenting 14 yrs and never asked dh to do this. Worst was breastfeeding with norovirus (both me and baby). But I’m pretty tough and think it is just part of the gig.

Yeah I would.
It could be quite risky if you are very ill and looking after a toddler.
I've had breathing difficulties when ill with a chest infection (or a cold as mumsnet would call it), I was ok but I was pretty close to needing an ambulance.
There is also a risk toddler could take a turn for the worse and you would not have the awareness to notice.
I work from home - but I do work - and while DH does his share when fit and well, if he has the slightest illness, he is out of the picture, and I have to step up.

I'd somewhat disagree with this. If one parent is the SAHP, then it's very likely that the working parent will almost never have taken any short notice time off for childcare, so potentially less of an issue to take a day off for the first time in 2 years, compared to a home with 2 working parents, where they may have each had to take a number of short notice days, in that situation I would try to avoid both being off together. Obviously again it depends on the scenario - completely unable to get out of bed, barely able to get to the toilet , is not fit to look after a child, but rotten cold, needs to lie on sofa with a duvet - put the TV screens on for the kid, working parent prepares a lunch for both, maybe tries to get home a bit early (or at the very least, does not work any later than usual finishing time, then working parent comes home, runs a bath for SAHP and takes kid for a while, takeaway/ready meal from supermarket for dinner if needed.

I'd go by whether you can keep the child safe, not whether it's an unpleasant experience. Eg are you alert enough to stop them doing something hazardous. Doesn't matter if you plonk them in front of the telly all day.

Would you expect your other half take the day off work to look after toddler whilst you focused on getting better yourself or would you just suck it up and solo parent whilst feeling like death? Is this just “parenting”?

If you're a lone parent (no ex available to pitch in), it's definitely just parenting as you'd have no choice but if you have someone who can help (family/friends) or a partner and you're too ill to look after your child, it makes sense for them to help with childcare. Partner moreso than friends/family who'd be doing you a favour. For the partner in this case, it's also just parenting.

It’s horrible trying to look after a little one when you are really unwell! I do feel for you and hope that you feel better soon but I think that it’s hard to answer your question. It depends on how unwell you are and what Dh does as well as what the unwell child is like.

In an ideal world it would be great if he was off but it’s not always possible.

My Dh and I have careers that would mean that we couldn’t take time off easily.

I would absolutely expect him to take the day off, using carer's leave. We function as a family.

My DH would absolutely take leave to look after kids if I was also unwell. I’m also a grown woman, I’m also ‘tough’ (what does that even mean? That you’re not allowed to adequately recover from illness?), and I also ‘muddle through’ when necessary. But my kids have two parents to care for them and I have a partner to care for me.

A narrow set of circumstances might mean your partner is unable to.

I’ve had 9 days in bed with illness. I couldn’t do anything. DH looked after our daughter 100% for that time. He works from home and she was mostly at nursery but he needed to
take 2 half days. He didn’t even question it, just got stuck in. He’s always 50/50 anyway. But I was super grateful that I didn’t have to worry.

He did all the nursery runs, packed her bags, made lunches, bought and cooked all her dinners, washed all the clothes, entertained her, did all the night wakings, showers, etc etc. Absolutely everything for her for 9 days straight on top of work, our animals, housework etc.

He can be infuriating but he is ace.

Why is it only part of the gig for you but not your DH?

Ive taken the day off before when DH (who was on his day off with DC1 - we both work 80%) came down with norovirus. I would hope he’d do the same in return for me if I was bedbound or chained to the toilet. If I was poorly but I could get up, knock back some paracetamol, make breakfast and make it to the sofa then I’d tell him to go to work, but have his phone close to hand in case I got worse.

I had a fever for a few days of flu recently, DH stayed home to look after DC. Can't remember if he worked from home or took AL but it wouldn't have been safe for me to look after a toddler at the time so he didn't have a choice. I'd been sick for a couple of weeks at that point and got worse because I was working and running around after DC on my days off. I had to stay in bed for a few days in order to recover.

Exdp took the day when I had flu for the first time. I remember him waking me and asking who to call to say I wouldn’t be in and being really confused, then realising everything hurt and I was soaking wet with sweat. Turns out I also had bronchitis. I was so grateful that day, as he also drove me to the doctors, don’t think I would have made it myself.

I think it depends on how easy it is for him to take time off. Some jobs are easier than others for getting time off.

I totally understand you wanting him too though. It’s awful being poorly and looking after a poorly child and sometimes just one day of help can make all the difference!

My view is that if your OH would take a sick day if he was as poorly as you are now, then yes, I would expect him to stay home to look after the toddler.

I had to get my DH to come back from his job in Bristol (3 hrs away at the time Mon-Fri) as I had flu once when kids were much younger. Normally I would just soldier on as a SAHP but couldn't walk/stand up on that occasion. I had varicose vein surgery on both legs when my DD was 18 months old & DH went back to work the next day. Fun times lol. A friend who did her back in was left lying on her living floor by her DH who went merrily off to work leaving her in agony with a baby crawling all over her. Utter twat! Honestly us Mums are all just amazing with the amount of crap we have to put up with whilst parenting! Drove myself to hospital too with some bleeding during 2nd pregnancy on my own as DH was looking after sleeping 3 yo DD - which turned out to be a missed miscarriage. Should have asked a friend I guess but at the time it didnt cross my mind plus thought it wasn't that serious. I always think SAHP don't really get proper sick days unless the kids are school age (& we probably still have to drop them off before crawling back into bed & then fetch them at 3pm/cook their tea etc). That's why family nearby or good friends is pretty important when kids are little I think.