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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect OH to look after sick toddler?

74 replies

Sleepy987 · 11/12/2023 11:19

I currently have flu so I’m off work and my toddler is also really poorly. I’m solo parenting whilst my DH goes to work but man I’m struggling. Would you expect your other half take the day off work to look after toddler whilst you focused on getting better yourself or would you just suck it up and solo parent whilst feeling like death? Is this just “parenting”? 😂

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/12/2023 12:09

Yes I would and I'm not in a relationship with him

RedRobyn2021 · 11/12/2023 12:10

There are degrees of being poorly, if I was really bad I would expect him to take a day yes

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 12:12

If toddler is that sick will they not just sit and tv with you?

It depends if you can afford OH to take the day off (it should be unpaid in most firms) or not

ColleenDonaghy · 11/12/2023 12:14

DH has taken the day off in this circumstance before, without hesitation. I was in bed with a high fever and unable to do anything with the vomiting toddler so he stayed home. There wasn't really any other option.

Mumof2teens79 · 11/12/2023 12:15

TheShellBeach · 11/12/2023 11:37

Your husband needs to work and you have to keep going

Looking after children is also work.

If a man is ill himself, he takes sick leave. He doesn't "keep going".

Bit of a generalisation there
I would also take the day off....and my child would go to nursery if well enough.
But if your family arrangement is one parent is SAH, regardless if they are male or female. The other parent taking time off is a big step.

romdowa · 11/12/2023 12:16

My dh had to a few weeks bad , I had such a bad stomach bug that I couldn't leave the bathroom. Never mind run around after a toddler. But that was a very extreme case

SecondUsername4me · 11/12/2023 12:21

OP if your dh had to take the day off sick, and the toddler was too sick for nursery, would you take the day off work? Would he ask or expect you to?

Ellie1015 · 11/12/2023 12:22

I would expect him to take time off if i was unable to look after child. If i was managing even though it is hard that is what i would do. It is difficult enough with own sick days and share of childs sick days.

I would expect to do the bare minimum and dh do extra after work and at weekends.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/12/2023 12:23

You're off sick. Not off to look after a toddler. So yes he should do what parents do and take time off to look after his sick child unless you're feeling up to it.

Might be different if he was performing life saving operations and people would due if he wasn't in work, or he was self employed and not turning up would cause you to default on your mortgage this month, or if he has had to do this so many times recently that he is on a warning with work. But if he has a regular job that's been going ok he should take time off

What would he expect if the situation was reversed? I can't imagine most men looking after toddlers whilst feeling very ill.

These threads are full of women martyring themselves, for men who wouldn't do the same for them, even though they would be fine with their childminder or nanny taking the day off sick...but not the mother of their child

My husband has taken time off when I was on mat leave and had migraines. The only time he didn't was when he was away travelling as he couldn't have feasibly got back in time

vaiolop · 11/12/2023 12:26

My dc is generally quite sleepy and lethargic when ill, so not that difficult to look after even if I were ill too. I'd prefer DH not to take time off to look after the dc, because we save his annual leave for family holidays away and I'd much rather struggle through and have lots of nice holiday time later in the year.

tealweasel · 11/12/2023 12:46

If I'm ill enough that I'm taking the day off work (vs just WFH so I don't spread germs) then I'm too ill to do childcare unless I'm literally the only option available. I'd expressly ask my DH to take the day off though, and I'm sure he would. If he really, really couldn't because of immovable deadlines or meetings (rare in his world but they do happen), then I'd limp through till the end of the day but expect him to pick up the mantle as soon as he got home.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2023 13:03

If he was as equally as poorly as you are, would he take the day off work?

The answer to the above Will give you your answer.

Smellslikesummer · 11/12/2023 13:10

Looking after an unwell child usually means lots of down time, naps, tv etc so should be doable even when you are unwell - as long as you are able to get out of bed. Meals can be delivered or freezer options etc.
We always tried to keep DH’s holiday days for actual holidays and not waste them but that is a decision for both of you.
Alternatively, I remember hiring a mother’s help for a few hours when I was unwell.

TheShellBeach · 11/12/2023 13:46

TheCompactPussycat · 11/12/2023 11:46

So if "a man" is ill and his toddler happens to be ill at the same time, would the woman be expected to take a day off work to look after the toddler so the man could concentrate on getting better?

If it applies one way, then it has to apply the other way round. Personally I think unless the poorly parent is actually too ill to function at all, then it makes sense for them to look after the poorly child instead of expecting the entire family to grind to a halt.

Show quote history

The assumption in this case is that the woman is a SAHM, so that wouldn't apply.

If the man is a SAHD and he becomes ill, his wife should take time off to care for their child.

Workawayxx · 11/12/2023 13:58

My DP is self employed with tight timescales at times so he'd lose a day's pay. So it'd have to be pretty bad for me to ask him to take a day off.

If he was employed, I think I'd ask him if I had an awful stomach bug or bad flu but not for illnesses where I could get by if I just lay on the sofa and let the toddler watch tv. Also depends on age and personality of toddler. Crazy 18 months old who you can't leave for a second is a different prospect to a 3 year old who could entertain themselves or watch TV for a bit.

TheCompactPussycat · 11/12/2023 13:59

TheShellBeach · 11/12/2023 13:46

The assumption in this case is that the woman is a SAHM, so that wouldn't apply.

If the man is a SAHD and he becomes ill, his wife should take time off to care for their child.

Show quote history

The OP says in her first sentence she is ill so she is OFF WORK. The assumption in this case is that normally she is AT WORK.

PuttingDownRoots · 11/12/2023 14:07

It depends whether you can care fir the child safely. I get migraines. Sometimes it was not safe for me to he in charge of toddlers... so DH would rearrange work if possible... or Sometimes ring his mother. Or once a neighbour cooked them dinner after school.

You can't generalise really.

I had flu once as well... fortunately it was during the Christmas holidays as I have several missing days. I basically saw DD1 for cuddles and DD2 for breastfeeding.

sprigatito · 11/12/2023 14:10

Mine would have if he possibly could, but in the event that he couldn't (away, for example) I could get through a few days with flu with liberal use of the telly and crap food. We generally muddled through. I'd have been very hurt if DH had refused to take a day off when I knew he could have, and vice versa.

Zanatdy · 11/12/2023 14:21

If proper flu, absolutely. Horrible cough / cold no.

TheIndecisiveElf · 11/12/2023 14:23

What work has OP called in sick to if she's a SAHM? Plus I doubt she has just got the sniffles if she's called in sick. Read the OP, people!

FrangipaniBlue · 11/12/2023 14:35

I am guessing toddler would usually be in nursery or with a childminder but can't go due to also being poorly?

I can't remember a time DS as a toddler and I were both ill together however when I had pneumonia DH started work late and finished early so that he could do nursery drop off and pick up.

If DS had also been poorly at that time then yes DH would have stayed home as I couldn't function and was only able to stay awake long enough to feed and hydrate myself a couple of times each day.

The decision for DH to stay home should come down to whether your toddler would be in any danger alone with you - if you are just feeling grotty bit alert enough that you can prevent him from coming to harm then it's fine for DH to go to work. But if like me when I had pneumonia you are falling asleep every few hours then yes he needs to be there!

FrangipaniBlue · 11/12/2023 14:37

TheIndecisiveElf · 11/12/2023 14:23

What work has OP called in sick to if she's a SAHM? Plus I doubt she has just got the sniffles if she's called in sick. Read the OP, people!

This is what I was thinking too??

If she's too sick to go to work (or even wfh) then the OP is probably too sick to also be caring for a sick toddler......

Daisies12 · 11/12/2023 14:44

depends how ill you are, and how flexible his work is. If you're on MN, you don't have flu.

Barleysugar86 · 11/12/2023 14:50

I think it comes down to it would be nice if they could but if it's difficult you just get on with it. I've amazed myself several times how I've managed to get through caring for a kid and myself when I've felt ill but you push through. Plus side to you both being sick is I find the toddler wants to mainly sleep and snuggle too so we'd just camp out in bed. It's things like making hot drinks/ hot food/ etc. when the toddler doesn't want to be left that is hard, but with planning you could probably have a flask of tea/ cold sandwiches/ calpol and snacks within arms reach of the bed.

Badgergirl123 · 11/12/2023 14:52

DH works from home in a full-on job and would offer to look after both me and DD if we were ill - as I would do for him if it was the other way about. Yes it's a hassle and the house may fall apart for a few days, but so be it. Better to recover properly and be cared for as you'll be back in business sooner with no resentment.