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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rather DP didn't "treat" me to anything at all?

51 replies

lindter · 11/12/2023 10:45

DP and I don't live together, no children together.

He earns more than I do. He says a lot that he loves being able to "treat" me.

Every time he pays for something, or does something for me e.g. gives my house a tidy whilst I'm out, he has to bring it back up.

Either in an unrelated argument he'll say "I paid for x earlier!" or "I cleaned your house for you, because I want to make you feel good!"

Or, he'll bring it up jokingly. But he HAS to bring it up. When I call him out on this, he finds it offensive.

AIBU to refuse next time he offers to pay or do something for me?

OP posts:
adventadvent · 11/12/2023 10:47

He sounds like a dick tbh

OrganicCamomileTea · 11/12/2023 10:49

Sounds like he's seeking acknowledgement or appreciation for his "good deeds". If you don't appreciate them and would prefer to pay for things/do things yourself, just tell him to stop.

Keilagh · 11/12/2023 10:50

Yanbu

Original poster
lindter · 11/12/2023 10:50

Thank you.

I'm always extremely thankful and appreciative.

OP posts:
novhange · 11/12/2023 10:53

YANBU, but making sure you stop treating him too.

Try doing the same to him. Next time you do something small for him, make a big deal out of it, see how he likes it.

novhange · 11/12/2023 10:54

OrganicCamomileTea · 11/12/2023 10:49

Sounds like he's seeking acknowledgement or appreciation for his "good deeds". If you don't appreciate them and would prefer to pay for things/do things yourself, just tell him to stop.

It’s crass to keep bringing them up after OP has already thanked him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2023 11:15

Just tell him not to bother. His glory grabbing approach surely ruins the gesture completely and reinforces it’s about him and his image of himself and not you deserving kindness of thoughtfulness.

As a comparison, when we were spending more time together after dating a while, DH would top up my electric card or change the bedding, buy a food shop, and he wouldn’t say a word. He was just pitching in and making my life easier because he cared about me. I was always very grateful and said so, obviously. It’s tacky as hell to highlight good deeds like yours is doing. What does he want, a fucking pat on the head or a medal?

Isheabastard · 11/12/2023 11:52

Some people are more transactional than others. My ex was always very generous with his time and money, but would then feel free to ask for a favour or help and say ‘they owe me anyway’.

He also needed a lot of admiration and appreciation. As the years went by, it got worse and he would get angry if he decided I hadn’t been grateful enough. He also bought and did things I didn’t want him to do, but never things I actually had asked for. He decided what I wanted, not me. Aaaagh!

I don’t know about your situation, but tread carefully and try and get some insight into his core values and beliefs. The more you understand it, the more you can help him to understand why his behaviour is not as nice as he is making it out to be.

hsapposhit · 11/12/2023 12:02

He's a dick.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/12/2023 12:05

Buy a packet of stickers and give him one. Every time. Dh points out if he does chores... Praise requests. He's 40 frigging 2. So I started doing it and he realised how ridiculous it was. Pat him on the head and give him a sticker.. Treats surely are for your good not his? ...

ToddlerMumma · 11/12/2023 12:22

I did something similar to PP. I got a load of toy 'gold medals' and every time my husband wanted praise for doing something 'for me' (emptying the dishwasher, taking the bins out, making the kids tea etc) I'd give him a medal. I don't mind saying thank you but it was the need for huge praise over simple, everyday tasks, like tidying, that did my head in!

Seaweed42 · 11/12/2023 12:39

He sounds like hard work.

He's not treating you like an equal.

He thinks you are his mother because you are a caring woman.

In his eyes you are mandated to care and give him love unconditionally, but he can do favours for you but only on his terms.

Tell us about his mother? I suspect he either still lives at home or she is heavily invested in his daily life.

2jacqi · 11/12/2023 12:53

@lindter he cleans YOUR house??? well then just throw him out of your house!! does he not make any mess?? what an arsehole!

hsapposhit · 11/12/2023 13:03

Either in an unrelated argument he'll say "I paid for x earlier!" or "I cleaned your house for you, because I want to make you feel good!"

I don't like this. Cleaning the house or buying you a treat does not excuse other behaviour which might be less than pleasant. It also should not be used in an argument - well, you need to agree with me because I cleaned your house for you.

I appreciate you don't live together at the moment so it is nice of him to clean your house but I'd keep an eye on his attitude to be honest. Once you are living together and perhaps have children is it still going to be "I cleaned the house for you" (rather than "I cleaned our house" because that's what you do when you're an adult and want to live in a pleasant environment and both partners contribute to that). Or is he going to start saying "But I took the bins out for you last week" when you ask him to maybe spend less time gaming/down the pub with friends when you're struggling with 2 children and all the household tasks.

If he wants to buy you something or take you out for the day or whatever, that's great and that's what partners should do for each other but NOT if he's then going to use it as a weapon in an argument or as some kind of pay off to keep you quiet about something else.

gamerchick · 11/12/2023 19:46

I really like the sticker idea.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 11/12/2023 20:20

I wish I'd had MN wise minds 20 years ago.
The gold stars sound like a fabulous idea 🌟
If he is still a dick then throw him back (assuming you can be arsed with the stickers)

bonzaitree · 11/12/2023 20:34

He’s doing nice things for you simply so he has something to « pull out the bag » when you argue.

It’s like he is storing up his « good » deeds as ammunition.

This is a pretty toxic trait if you ask me.

bonzaitree · 11/12/2023 20:35

ToddlerMumma · 11/12/2023 12:22

I did something similar to PP. I got a load of toy 'gold medals' and every time my husband wanted praise for doing something 'for me' (emptying the dishwasher, taking the bins out, making the kids tea etc) I'd give him a medal. I don't mind saying thank you but it was the need for huge praise over simple, everyday tasks, like tidying, that did my head in!

How did that go down?!

TomatoSandwiches · 11/12/2023 20:37

Someone at Amazon is going to be perplexed at the sudden demand for sticky gold stars tonight.

theduchessofspork · 11/12/2023 20:40

He sounds slightly irritating - if someone talked about treating me I’d feel a bit like I was 6, which isn’t very appealing in a partner

CalistoNoSolo · 11/12/2023 20:42

I would have dumped him for cleaning my house tbh.

Hatty65 · 11/12/2023 20:44

He sounds like my DM. Anything she ever does for you she repeatedly brings up. Now whenever money has been desperately tight I find myself saying, 'No thanks,' to her when she says, 'Oh we could lend you some money'. Because I know full well that she will keep on 'mentioning' it entirely out of the blue in front of every single person she can.

'Of course we're just glad that we could lend Hatty some money 5 years ago when she was struggling. We would never want to see her and the DGC in a fix.'

No, Mother. Of course not. But you took back every single penny, even when monthly payments were tight, writing it all down in a little notebook - 'I'll just make a note of this. You've only got x amount to pay back now, Hatty!'

It's humilitating.

Cherrysoup · 11/12/2023 20:53

Have you said to him that you don’t want him doing stuff/buying anything precisely because of this behaviour? I love the idea of the gold stars!

mambojambodothetango · 11/12/2023 21:27

Just wondering - hear me out - does he know how annoying it is? Would you consider just saying 'a true good deed doesn't need constant validation. Either do the deed or don't but please stop expecting excessive praise. It's putting me off you'. Then at least he can't say he didn't know.

TheNewSchmoo · 11/12/2023 21:30

My Dad did this all the time, still does now I'm an adult. Hates it then, don't let him do a single thing for me now.