To rather DP didn't "treat" me to anything at all?

[lindter]

DP and I don't live together, no children together.

He earns more than I do. He says a lot that he loves being able to "treat" me.

Every time he pays for something, or does something for me e.g. gives my house a tidy whilst I'm out, he has to bring it back up.

Either in an unrelated argument he'll say "I paid for x earlier!" or "I cleaned your house for you, because I want to make you feel good!"

Or, he'll bring it up jokingly. But he HAS to bring it up. When I call him out on this, he finds it offensive.

AIBU to refuse next time he offers to pay or do something for me?

My dad does it too I just ignore him. When my husband does it I give him a sarcastic round of applause he soon stopped

Cleans the house and pays for things worry not you can EASILY unload him.

My ex did this, it's a very sneaky way of trying to ensure that you stop asking/expecting them to do their fair share. When I started reversing it - "look! I've cooked tea and picked the kids up from school FOR YOU!" he got really pissy about it. Which proves it is purposefully done to be annoying. Very toxic. Anyone with an ego that fragile that they need constant meaningless praise for the world's most basic tasks needs sorting out.

It's fine for anyone in a relationship to want acknowledgment for kind gestures.

It's unreasonable to throw previous gestures back in someone's face in an argument or try to bank up kind gestures in a piggy bank to offset crappy behaviour.

..and after the split, he was VERY shocked that he'd have to pay child maintenance. But then I got "IVE PAID THAT £XYZ INTO YOUR ACCOUNT FOR YOU" in front of the kids. I immediately shut that down - firstly, the kids do not need to witness his Worlds Most Basic Superman act, and secondly, I told him it's not for me, it's for the kids. He was mightily unimpressed that I can now see through it all.

My ex used to do this. Anything he did he wanted a big appreciation party & the party had to last days & if I slacked off with the appreciation, I got reminded “how good does the door look” “aren’t I good for helping you”. It’s tiring & insecure.

Awful way to live, you have my sympathy.

Please be smart enough to get rid of this pathetic glory hound. He's insufferable now, he'll get even worse later. He's not buying you things/doing things for you for you, he's doing all this for himself.

Run like the fucking wind.

“Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind”

Slightly off topic but that's my most hated phrase 'I'll treat you' had an ex that ruined it for me. He always used to say that when we went out for dinner. What actually happened is that we'd agreed to take turns paying for dinner at the start of the relationship. His turn was 'my treat' my turn was my turn.

@JimnJoyce I totally agree- I hate the phrase too -it's like 'look what a kind hearted soul I am' - I don't know why I would rather someone just said-my turn to pay or I'm paying- I know it's subtle difference- but in my head it is a difference -

@Crikeyalmighty I have the same head

YABU - There shouldn't be a next time because he sounds like a dick.

I had an ex who had a lot more money than me. He would 'treat' me a lot because he could afford it. Then if we split things, and I would ask him to pay his share (because I genuinely couldn't afford the whole share) he would tell me I was being unreasonable or ungrateful because he paid for XYZ last week. Well it wasn't a bloody treat then was it!

Huge red flag

If you appreciate it and tell him so then he is being most unreasonable.

Absolutely tell him you want him to pack in the "treats", and if he tries to buy you something, refuse it. Tell him you want to be on an equal footing.

There is absolutely a difference. There's a "you owe me" undertone that is blatantly obvious coming from men like this.

Love it

Next time he offers to treat you, just say

Oh no thank you I really want to treat myself to this, then I'm not beholding to anyone for the treat.

Why is he cleaning your house if you don’t live together? I can’t imagine doing this tbh.

It died sound strange that he brings it up again after you’ve said thank you

"When I call him out on this, he finds it offensive."

This is the bit where he can either listen to you , understand where you're coming from and change his behaviour or.... not. It's not the demanding praise in itself, it's the not engaging in your frustration when you've expressed it.

Does he thank you for the things you do for him? If not, why not? DH and I do a lot of thanking for mundane things but it sounds like this is a completely different dynamic.

@bonzaitree it went down with huge surprise and confusion the first time! The second time, he realised what he'd done. There hadn't been a 3rd time

🤣🤣🤣 I love this.

That would seriously piss me off.

@Aquamarine1029 I totally agree. It's if you can't treat yourself! I don't think my H has ever used it - he has plenty of faults but would say 'I will pay - never 'my treat'

He's lying, or dishonest with himself about his motives. A treat is when you do something for someone according to their needs and desires, in the way they like to be treated. The last bit is key, because different people like to be treated in different ways.

It sounds more like self serving behaviour, because the purpose seems to be all about making him feel good and talk to you about how great he is 🤷‍♂️ Self praise is no praise, unfortunately, a turn off too

Just out of curiosity...you said he brings these things up "...in an unrelated argument", so what was he responding to?