To think I don’t need this ‘friend’?

[EmptyYoghurtPot]

A couple of years ago an old school friend got back in touch and we became friends again. But I’ve noticed that she is always critical of me and putting me down. (My mum says she always did that when we were children). For example she says that having 5 cats is selfish and I’m just using them as baby substitutes! Whilst I’ll admit I’m the local crazy cat lady I do have a DC, 3 step DC and 6 grandchildren so I’m not exactly lonely. She is critical of how I dress and how I do my hair as she says I’m trying to look young. I put the Christmas Tree up too early. I’m trying to be trendy by swooping meat for Quorn a couple of nights a week. The list goes on.
DH says bin her off but she’s recently divorced and I was so happy when she got in touch. Thoughts?

Sack her off. She’s not a friend and you do not need, or I imagine want, someone who is do critical in your life. Move on

Bin her off before she drags you down with her, she's miserable so she's trying to make you miserable.

She sounds like a bitch. You say you were happy when she got in touch, but has she actually added anything positive to your life since then, or is it just relentless criticism and sucking the joy out of everything?

She’s not a real friend. Seems like she’s criticising you to make herself feel better. I would just distance myself from her, sounds like you have a pretty full life and she’s not adding anything positive to it.

Your DH is right. Bin her. You must have pretty low self-esteem if you're happy for someone yo come into your life and put you down constantly. I don't mean that nastily, but your DH and DM are giving you advice from an outside perspective, and I'd take that on board. If you've started a thread about her behaviour towards you, it must be bothering you to some extent. Why put yourself through it?

Get rid. Sounds like you've got plenty of people who love you and she'll only bring you grief.

My friends are kind, supportive and make me feel good when I spend time with them. How does spending time with her leave you feeling?

She sounds critical and unkind. If she's like that with everyone I bet she gets through friends at high speed which is probably why she is now rekindling old childhood friendships.

Get rid. The relationship makes you unhappy -don't waste your precious time.

A controversial opinion on MN, but you don't necessarily need to "bin her off". Have you tried talking to her about it? If she's always done it she may be oblivious.

A simple "please don't say that, I find it hurtful" or "please don't criticise my lifestyle, I'm happy with it" may be enough. If it doesn't work, the binning her off option is still available.

I would love to be your friend. I love cats!

Bin her.

If you want to keep the friendship going you could tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. No wonder she's divorced. If she responds badly or doesn't listen then sack her off

I think your happiness at getting back in touch was based on memories of your childhood friendship, but your view of that was based on your perspective at the time which was that if a child and likely not entirely balanced.
You probably remember doing fun things and having a companion, and were not aware of the digs she was making, but your mum was. This is not unusual, children often don't notice when someone makes a habit of being unpleasant, we particularly judge people by our own standards when we're children as we don't yet have the life experience to know better.
I think it's like trying to revisit a fabulous holiday destination, rarely ends well.
Chalk your happiness up to nostalgia, but if you persist in giving her your friendship then you are being a mug accepting this disrespectful negative picking.

Each time she does it point it out. Or ask a question.

‘Did you realise that that was really critical/rude/hurtful?’

’Why are you criticising me/being rude to me/trying to hurt my feelings?’

Or sit down with her and let her know she’s been critical and comments negatively on aspects of your life and that you don’t like it.

Her response will tell you whether it’s a friendship worth pursuing. If it’s met with an apology and efforts to change then great. If not then I wouldn’t stay friends with someone like that. None of my friends criticise each other. We might raise something if we felt strongly about it but in a kind way.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I feel sorry for her as she is obviously not happy and I have a very rosy recollection of our childhood friendship, which is probably not 100% accurate.
Thanks to those who said to be direct with her - I think that’s half the issue. I’ve never stood up to her!

She got divorced so was lonely it was always all about her.

Quorn is disgusting and it’s hysterical that she thinks you are trying to be trendy by eating it.

(Quorn mince isn’t so bad though.)

I agree with pp to try to talk to her if you want to keep her as a friend. Otherwise enjoy your cats and lovely family, someone else will come along who will be worth your time and will hopefully have less opinions on your Quorny aspirations.

She's right about the cats. Nobody needs that many pets and unless they are contained in a catio or indoor cats, they will be shitting in other people's gardens.

Other than that, why would you tolerate being treated like this?

Being friends with this kind of person is like taking slow poison. You start off where you are now, happy to see them and prepared to overlook the slow drip. But the more you're with them and the more the poison accumulates, the worse you feel about yourself, the less joy you find in the friendship, and the more the quality and happiness of your life and level of contentment decline. You don't need to have an energy vampire in your life, or have someone masquerading as a friend who really makes herself feel better about her own life by negging yours. Do yourself a massive favour and bin her off. Her behaviour will get nastier and more noticeable, I guarantee you.

She's using you as a yardstick. I think we have all had a mate like this . My mistake was not listening to my inner voice, she ended up causing lots of trouble for me . Look after yourself and bin this bitch .

Listen to your Mum.

Funny how she's got back in touch... maybe other people are fed up of her too and she's got no other friends!

Laughing at the Quorn comments - was actually a suggestion from the Practice Nurse to help lower DHs weight and blood pressure rather than a lifestyle choice. The energy vampire comment hit hard too.

Maybe she senses you feel sorry for her, and is trying, by being unpleasantly critical, to level the playing field? Nobody likes feeling like the pitiable one in a friendship.

Either way, her behaviour isn't the issue, or at least not something you can control. The issue is why on earth is your self-esteem so low that you would put up with this kind of thing in your life for two minutes, let alone two years?

Unfortunately she sounds like a toxic friend. An old childhood friend recently got in touch with me wanting to meet up etc. We grew up together but drifted apart a few years ago as adults (live in different places etc). After a think I decided against the meet up and have ignored contact since. Growing up she was always making fun of me, putting me down in front of others and to others. She would always ignore my birthday and make catty comments to try to embarrass me. I’ve grown as a person and I’ve realised that I just don’t want that negativity in my life. She was never a true friend to me. Yours doesn’t sound like a true friend either.

Life's too short
Bin her off and you will feel happier for it