What's fair here?

[thebluehen]

Been with my partner for 17 years.

We both had young children when we met. He had 4, I had 1. He quickly went from having his kids every other weekend and one night in the week to one full time and 3 nearly half of the time. They are grown up now but only see their mum a couple of times a year, their relationship with her is very strained. I'm mentioning this so there is an understanding that my role hasn't been a hands off step mum.

Dp has done less and less around the house as the years have gone on. He's very hard working and devotes nearly all his time to work including evenings and weekends. When he's not working he's asleep on the sofa or we go out.

When the kids were young, I worked 4 days a week and studied on my day off. I worked locally to keep the commute short and didn't progress in my career and looking back I had very little time for myself. I paid for a third of the household bills and he paid more towards holidays or days out than me.

A few years ago, I was "lucky" enough to inherit quite well. I am now in the position of working around 3 days per week on average (it's ad hoc).

We live in a very large house that comes with DP job. There are several acres of garden. We have 3 adult children currently living with us - temporarily. I feel they pull their weight enough. We have a cleaner who cleans the main rooms but doesn't do a very thorough job and only equates to half the house anyway, to be honest, but I like and trust her.

DP mainly does the washing up and absolutely nothing else. Wouldn't think to even throw out of date food out of the fridge or open a curtain let alone do a load of washing. I pay for half of everything.

I feel lucky I don't have to work if I don't want to. I feel lucky I have financial freedom. I do, however, feel that DP gets to do nothing at home whilst also not having to contribute financially more than half. I also think he has lost respect for me as my "work" is spending hours doing things that make his life easier! He never shows any interest in the work I do outside or inside the home. We seem to spend a lot of time discussing his work though.

So, AIBU?

Have you told him any of this? Does he realise how you feel?

YANBU. It's not acceptable for him to leave all the work around the house (sans what the cleaner does) to you. It's also his home. Not even sticking a load of washing on is egregious - it's hard to think of a less time/labour consuming regular household task. The washing machine does all the work for you.

@EvilElsa

When I do talk about it he just keeps on and on about how hard he works and I feel I get nowhere.

Also I need to point out that he's on a good salary so he's not working long hours because he needs the money.

well, it seems as if he has lost sight of you as his partner, lover, light of his life etc and you are now in the role of housekeeper, manager, organiser.

So I wonder if you need to approach it from that point of view.

In a relationship we all want to be cherished, appreciated, valued.

That is fundamental to a marriage.
I think it would help to have a third person to help you talk about that, but it doesn't sound as if he would be willing to go to counselling

The same advice I say to every woman on here who complains of the exact same thing: Stop doing the stuff that he's not doing, but should be. You've tried talking and it didn't help. So the only remaining choices are 1) Continue as you are or 2) Stop doing that stuff.

@Firefly2009

The trouble with that is running a household affects everyone, not just him.

The only single thing I can think of that affects him only is his washing. He has sometimes used the washing machine when I go on holiday without him. I come home to find the washing machine fabric conditioner drawer full of washing powder where he puts everything in the wrong compartments. I've explained it to him the last 3 years. He still did it again this year. So even this, causes me another job in cleaning out the machine drawer!

If I shop for food but exclude his meals he'll just use ours in the fridge.

If I don't hoover or walk the dog or do the garden, I still have to live there and it affects me and others too.

I have higher standards than him but I can assure you they're not very high at all!

But what I keep thinking here is I do have the time to do it all. Is it right to ask him to do more if I have the time and he doesn't? Is this how we both benefit from my inheritance? Would the answer be the same if I were a man?

I get a lot of your frustration; Some of this, such as the washing machine thing, sounds like our old friend strategic incompetence. However, if you’ve got three adult children living with you, what are they doing around the house ? Are they contributing to the bills? On the other hand, you do say that the house comes with DP’s job; If he were to lose it or get another job, what would your housing options be and what would that do for your finances?

@Clarinet1

The 2 adult working children do their own washing, wash up, wipe up and clean their own rooms / areas and shop and cook for themselves half the week. The one at uni does her own washing and wipes up and is expected to clean her own room.

With regard to housing, if DP retired or changes jobs then we have to house ourselves. He owns a small house with a small mortgage. Most of my money is tied up in property. We have decided that we will buy a house together by selling properties and pooling those assets. I will have a lot of capital gains tax to pay on selling my property whereas he has none. Each month that goes by I am gaining by not having to pay any housing costs for myself though which is clearly quite significant.

I'd be very careful if you 'pool' your assets to make sure that everything that's yours now is protected if you split up. I'd also think twice about pooling anything with him given his lack of real commitment and respect for you.

Are his long working hours an expected part of the job? Or is he either taking on extra work or not managing his working time effectively?

He asked me to marry him 15 years ago long before I had my assets. I don't want to get married. I don't want the big wedding and I don't ever want to go through a divorce again. He says he understands. So he wants commitment in that way.

@JurassicFantastic

He does have expected work hours to "get the job done". However he is keen to challenge himself, improve and take on more responsibility so takes on extra where he can.

He's just taken on a new project which will take up a lot more time. He will get a payrise for it but I envisage it to take up a lot of his time.

What exactly is your AIBU? Is it just you want him to do more around the house? Or also to do with finances? There's a lot being mentioned here about your situation and I'm not sure I follow your thinking.

If it's just you wish he'd do more around the house, if he just won't then there's nothing you can do. Your remaining options are a) keep nagging b) put up with it c) stop doing it and live in the mess or d) leave him
Which option do you prefer?
Or is there more to this decision making process?

What's my AIBU?

I guess it's "am I being unreasonable to think DP has used my inheritance to better his life and taken advantage of my good nature?"

I’m not sure he has. You are living in a house provided by his employer and have no housing costs but as you’re not married you can retain 100% of your inheritance (which has only been used to reduce your own working hours).

He should pull his weight around the house more or, if he really won’t, share the costs of upping the cleaner’s hours.

How has he used your inheritance to better his own life? He earns well and the house is tied to his job. You've chosen to work far less hours so the majority of household stuff should fall to you. If you're fed up with his strategic incompetence, just move out and leave him to it.

I'm probably being a bit thick needing to confirm this, but I can't quite get my head around that, not saying you're wrong though...

So... let's see if I've got this right...

You don't have to work so much because of your inheritance? So does that mean you are using your inheritance to pay for stuff?

And if you're paying for half of everything by partly using your inheritance, he then only has to pay for half of everything. Whereas, if you didn't use your inheritance, but still only worked part-time (but full-time really with the housework that he doesn't contribute to), he would have to contribute more financially?

So by that logic (if I've got it right):

(a) You could stop using your inheritance money. State that you are actually working full time because when you're not at work, you're doing all the housework. Therefore, because it's an equal share of the workload between the two of you, he has to make up the difference financially.

OR

(b) If he doesn't want to do (a) then he has to pull his weight with the housework, or use his money to pay for a housekeeper.

BUT

What confuses the matter is that you are living in a house provided by his employer, saving you both money on mortgage or rent.

That's as far as I've got. I'm proud of my logic except I don't know if I've understood. Please confirm?!

@Firefly2009

Yes, you are pretty much spot on.

My inheritance is giving me an income that means I can work less. Slight difference in that I am not using the capital for day to day life but ultimately it is the inheritance that has given me that income.

I think a lot of stuff around the inheritance is a red herring.
You want him to do more around the house, he doesn't want to, that's the crux of it.
Either outsource his half and he pays, or he does it himself.

@thebluehen Okay. But what does "I'm not using the capital for day to day life" actually mean? Are you referring to the inheritance being property rather than money. So you're renting those inherited properties out, and you personally are living partly on the rental income to contribute to your 50%?

Are you and DH paying rent on the property given to you by his employer, or is it free?

Logically speaking, since you have this agreement of 50/50, if you want to feel everything remains fair, you need to get out a spreadsheet.

(a) Calculate roughly the number of hours you both work (paid and unpaid).
(b) Calculate how many hours you are subsidising with your rental income to allow you to do housework. How much is that worth in £ per hour?
(c) Calculate how much you are saving by not having to pay a mortgage or rent.

See what the hours and figures show you.
Plus or minus stuff to make things fair.
Present your case.

Am I wrong?

The question then remains if you are having to do this, if it makes a happy marriage. But then you seem to have always had an agreement of 50/50 (whose idea was that?) rather than pooling everything together and working collaboratively on making life work. Is it possible that this is the core issue?

@Strawberryfieldsforeverrr

It's not a deliberate red herring. Do you know what I think it is? It's the "expectation" that I do his share and it's the lack of acknowledgment about that.

If he was to actually talk about it and tell me that he appreciates the practical support I give him rather than just getting moody or keep reminding me that he works very hard, then I suspect I wouldn't have the same feelings.

And yes, we have discussed how the housing set up benefits me because I instigate that conversation or ensure he is aware that I appreciate it.

@Firefly2009

Yes, rental property or investments. Hoping to actually have a pension for the first time in my life.

I work in finance so I love a spreadsheet. I like the idea of working out those calculations which might help me to be clearer about the situation. Thanks for the suggestion!

Do you like him? Maybe it’s run its course.

Absolutely do it! I hope it will help. I was about to attempt if for you, but if you work in finance then it's all in safe hands. My brain is hurting already tbh and I feel for you.

Thinking aloud here for possible outcomes...
-You stop using your inheritance and insist he covers the shortfall, instead of you going back to work, because you're covering the household stuff. But he can then say, but we're living here for free and that's because of my job. So you then figure out how much you're both saving from your free accommodation and divide that by 2: This is how much you use from the rental income towards your share. He still has to make up any shortfall, unless he contributes to housework.

But obviously it's more complicated than that....hours, wages, properties, pensions, dividing everything by 2. I'd love to see that spreadsheet. I think once you've done that you'll be clearer in how you want to approach this issue moving forward.

I would tell him his very important job is not an excuse for dumping everything house related on you.
Then expect him to either step up and do his share or pay for someone else to do it.
Your finances sound complicated, but are not the reason for your partners stubbornness imo.