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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH never in casual clothes!

55 replies

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 16:55

I want to preface this by stating that I don't want to sound mean or ungrateful, or to suggest that my DH isn't working hard, because I know that he is and I don't want to undermine anything that he's doing. So maybe it's just some advice that I need?

Backstory is that DH has recently set up his own gardening/landscaping company, very high end with some very wealthy clients. He's clearly wanting to make a good impression, particularly seeing as most of his work comes through referrals rather than advertising.

A few of his clients have other staff too (chauffeurs, housekeepers, au pairs, etc), and as such they expect the highest standards of behaviour and appearance whilst on their premises, to the extent that at least one has an expectation of shirt and tie to be worn (within the bounds of health and safety depending on what he's doing). So with that in mind he has designed and commissioned a set of logo'd shirts/jumpers/ties to be worn specifically for the high end jobs. Because he sometimes goes to other clients' gardens during the day in addition to high end clients, he's already wearing the 'formal' uniform, and because they've seen it then they've asked him to wear it for their jobs too, maybe thinking that it enhances the appearance of their 'staff' too?! To be fair he doesn't mind, he charges them accordingly, and most of the clients are relaxed enough that he can often wear the tie quite loosely under his fleece and the shirt untucked, etc.

He also wears his smart uniform for visiting and quoting new clients as he believes that it creates a good impression.

His work ethic is such that he never stops, so during the summer will be working from sunrise to sunset, and even when it's dark he'll be out visiting clients, or back home catching up on quotes, accounts, etc.

The result of this is that I never see him out of his work shirt/tie/fleece anymore! So today for example he was out of the house at 5am to travel to the south west to pick up a piece of equipment for the business he'd bought off Facebook, so an 8hr round trip, and then he visited a prospective client on the way back. So being him, he put his smart uniform on. He's now back home, actually relaxing for once, but still in his shirt & tie! And tomorrow we're supposed to be off Christmas shopping but he's got a client meeting at 8am followed by an eye test appt, then we're going straight after, so I know it's probably be a day around the shops with me looking casual and him in his fucking shirt and tie again! He might have it loosened but it's just driving me a bit mad for some reason.

Please feel free to say if it's me being totally unreasonable, or if you have a DH/DP who's the same. Sometimes I just feel like telling him to take the fucking tie off for once!

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 10/12/2023 17:04

It doesn't sound like it looks bad. Nor does it sound like he is putting it on except for work purposes. Is your issue actually his 'uniform' or the fact he is always wearing because he is always working?

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:08

I don't have an issue with him wearing it for work, of course not. And I think he works too hard, much more than when he was an employee rather than self employed. I totally get that and support him 100%
I guess it's that he never takes it off after work, or like today he basically wore it for the whole day since 5am for a half hour meeting, and he's been home 2hrs and still wearing it. I'm not trying to have a go, but I don't know whether he's getting a bit OCD about it?

OP posts:
TheSparkling · 10/12/2023 17:14

I wonder if seeing him wearing the same outfit day in day out means you never feel he is switched off from work. I do kind of get where you are coming from though. It must make you feel a bit like you are married to a brand rather than a man.
Have you asked him about it? Is it that can't be bothered to get changed on returning home or maybe that he doesn't have to think if he is wearing this chosen outfit.

SummaLuvin · 10/12/2023 17:15

if he's been at work since 5am then he's probably come home and couldn't be arsed to get changed. I've done that plenty of times regardless of how little effort it really is. And throwing around the term OCD flippantly, unless you are genuinely concerned he is actually having intrusive thoughts, is pretty crass.

PastelHouses · 10/12/2023 17:15

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 10/12/2023 17:19

Christ I have worked as a head gardener and designer for wealthy clients and many had staff, I never wore a uniform. If fact it can make you look like a menial worker.

I would caution against bending over backwards for those kinds of clients they will take take take, and take some more !!

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:20

SummaLuvin · 10/12/2023 17:15

if he's been at work since 5am then he's probably come home and couldn't be arsed to get changed. I've done that plenty of times regardless of how little effort it really is. And throwing around the term OCD flippantly, unless you are genuinely concerned he is actually having intrusive thoughts, is pretty crass.

You're right, I wasn't trying to be flippant. 😞

I don't know, it's just that he never seems to be arsed to get changed. Well actually if he's had a wet/muddy day then he'll put clean/dry trousers or jeans on, but always keeps the shirt and tie on. Sometimes done up properly, sometimes loosened with the top button open.

OP posts:
cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:21

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 10/12/2023 17:19

Christ I have worked as a head gardener and designer for wealthy clients and many had staff, I never wore a uniform. If fact it can make you look like a menial worker.

I would caution against bending over backwards for those kinds of clients they will take take take, and take some more !!

The uniform was actually 'sponsored' by one of the clients so it hasn't cost him anything. I don't think he's even considered that it makes him look menial

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 17:24

What does it matter? He’s not wearing his work uniform to take you out to dinner. Who cares what wears at home?!

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:25

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

I did wonder that, like I said I'm not having a go and well aware that he's seemingly quite happy. But it does feel a bit like trying to get the kids to change after school

OP posts:
Precipice · 10/12/2023 17:27

Is he happy dressed like this? Some people like to change after work and some people like to remain in the same clothes all day. Neither is the lone 'correct' way or objectively better. It comes down to partially the person and partially how they feel in the work clothes.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 10/12/2023 17:28

@cornbeeflegs

have you actually tried talking to him about it? Telling him that it feels like he's never 'Fred' anymore & just 'workman'.

When he had a meeting before shopping he could have just taken 'home clotges' & changed his top half in the car & jeans/home trousers with his logo tops.

There absolutely no bloody way I'd work for private people who insisted I wore a uniform & double down on that for being self employed!

I wouldn't do his job in a shirt & tie & anyone who thought I should to make them look better would get told how far to shove it up their backside!!

LoobyDop · 10/12/2023 17:28

Am I the only one sidetracked by the absolute insanity of demanding that a gardener wears a tie for work? I’ve n heard anything so ridiculous!

Bicorne · 10/12/2023 17:29

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:21

The uniform was actually 'sponsored' by one of the clients so it hasn't cost him anything. I don't think he's even considered that it makes him look menial

But it sounds as if your issue is that it looks ‘menial’, rather than ‘formal’? I mean, he’s not going to the supermarket wearing tails…?

WorldCuppa · 10/12/2023 17:30

What do you do for a living OP?

Ragwort · 10/12/2023 17:34

Imagine if this was a reverse? I would never dream of commenting on what my DH wears and wouldn't want him to comment on what I wear. In fact he'd probably love me to smarten up Grin.
Get a grip .. that God for a DH on Mumsnet who's clearly got a work ethic .. makes a welcome change

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 17:34

YABU

I’d rather have a partner that looks smart all of the time, than scruffy.

If I had worked hard to run my own business and had a uniform, I’d be wearing it constantly!

I’m the opposite, the second I get home the comfy clothes come out.
Fortunately, I’m single but I’m sure if I had a DH he’d be a bit annoyed at me.

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:35

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 17:24

What does it matter? He’s not wearing his work uniform to take you out to dinner. Who cares what wears at home?!

But he has done, that's my point! It doesn't matter what we're doing, he always seems to be wearing it, or at least the top half

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 10/12/2023 17:36

Wow that's really chimed with me in that I was a self employed gardener and I worked 350 days a year, 70+ hours per week in the summer, 40+ in the winter. But whilst I always wore a shirt, jumper and work trousers, I now wear a sports jacket, smart trousers, perhaps even a suit and tie when I go out. Even if it's to spoons!
As someone said above, men don't look smart anymore and whilst when I started in the morning I was clean and tidy by the end of the day I was muddy, often wet and had hands that looked like I'd been down a mine! So now I make an effort

AllrightNowBaby · 10/12/2023 17:36

If my gardener turned up in a shirt and tie, I would drop through the floor.
He’s a brilliant gardener, has a lovely smile and dresses as though he’s ready to work in a physical and sometimes dirty job.
Polite as he is, I’m sure he would tell me where to go, if I suggested he wear a shirt and tie.
Back to “you”, just tell him you are sick of him keeping his uniform on after work and can he change into something else and you don’t like going out with him in his uniform either.

cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:37

Bicorne · 10/12/2023 17:29

But it sounds as if your issue is that it looks ‘menial’, rather than ‘formal’? I mean, he’s not going to the supermarket wearing tails…?

It wasn't me that said it makes him look menial, that was another poster. I like the uniform, just not all the time!

OP posts:
cornbeeflegs · 10/12/2023 17:38

WorldCuppa · 10/12/2023 17:30

What do you do for a living OP?

Part time community nurse and part time medical records officer

OP posts:
Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 10/12/2023 17:39

some people just like to be more dressed up they feel more confident, maybe now your DH has started dressing like this he has realised that for him he feels better like this than say in joggers and t shirt. to be honest I have never really got changed when i have got home from work unless going somewhere different in the evening, if I'm working from home I wear the same thing from 8am to 10pm. my DD is 14 she doesn't change when home from school unless going out again or if sh gets into PJ's
even when she was little she generally didn't change after school it is just then 2 sets of dirty cloths not one set, if she wanted to change it was fine but if not it was OK too
my DH works in furniture restoration he doesn't change either unless work clothes are dirty

it is his preference surely what he wears considering most men look like slobs half the time I would be pleased

ginasevern · 10/12/2023 17:40

I must admit, I like to get into my comfies when I'm home from work, unless I'm expecting visitors or whatever. I think I'd feel a bit fidgety if my DH stayed "all buttoned up" once work was finished or for a casual day at the shops. Why don't you say something like "aren't you a bit uncomfortable in that" or "why don't you put on that nice T shirt I bought you last Christmas". See what his reaction is.

crazycanuck · 10/12/2023 17:41

LoobyDop · 10/12/2023 17:28

Am I the only one sidetracked by the absolute insanity of demanding that a gardener wears a tie for work? I’ve n heard anything so ridiculous!

No, you’re not the only one. It’s completely and utterly bonkers.