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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had my ex done this on purpose?

29 replies

imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:21

Had has....I know it

Long story. Ex husband. Emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling....narcissist.
I have not seen him in 6 weeks since I called the police.

Today is the first day he is seeing dc. Exh is collecting him from my mums and dropping him off at my mums although I was going to be present.

This morning I had 2 texts from my friends asking if I was ok. I then realised that this was because last night he changed his relationship status on social media and to in a relationship with his new girlfriend.

This is only weeks after us ending. The relationship I'm not bothered about - or at least I don't think I am. The tears might come later.

But it's the fact he changed it just before I was supposed to see him for the first time. Has he done that on purpose do you think?

I ended up dropping the dc off at my mums and leaving and I won't be there tonight when he drops them off either now....so his plan failed if that was the case!

I don't know how to feel

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/12/2023 09:22

Nothing. He is ex.
(Feel sorry for the new lady)

Russoooooo · 10/12/2023 09:23

Yes. He’s done it on purpose. But you already knew that. You also know he’s a manipulative scumbag. When my ex does something idiotic, I’ve trained myself to think “thank you for reminding me why we split up”. It helps.

Got2getout · 10/12/2023 09:23

He might have done it one purpose, or he may not. Don’t waste thoughts on him, he’s not worth it.

People that like to play games get bored when there’s no response. Not giving a shit about what he gets up to is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. Don’t allow yourself to overthink his actions or intentions. He is unimportant.

Temporaryname158 · 10/12/2023 09:23

He’s a manipulator, so ignore it totally. There probably isn’t a girlfriend and if there is, poor her!

block him so you don’t see any updates.

Ignore totally and be glad you are free

cairnterriorist · 10/12/2023 09:24

Don't agonise over what he does he's a narc he's going to behave like a narc.

Delete him off your social media and block him so you can't see what he's at.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:26

He is blocked on everything.

This is the 'man' who accused me for months of having someone else to the point I had to FaceTime to prove I didn't when he wasn't here. The man that looked through my phone only 6 weeks ago to look for clues of my mystery man and then tell me he was going to go kill himself and I was to blame.

He's now flaunting his new relationship on Facebook 6 weeks later.

OP posts:
LividSleep · 10/12/2023 09:31

Yup.

See this sort of shit (and I imagine there’ll be a fair bit of it to come, sorry to say) as helping you detach.

And feel sorry for her, because she’s either desperate or stupid.

Rise above it and don’t engage. It’ll be hard but you’ll come out stronger.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:32

cairnterriorist · 10/12/2023 09:24

Don't agonise over what he does he's a narc he's going to behave like a narc.

Delete him off your social media and block him so you can't see what he's at.

I should have said, I don't have him on any social media. It's just what friends have told me. He's blocked on everything

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/12/2023 09:35

Tell your friends you are not interested in hearing about him

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:37

LividSleep · 10/12/2023 09:31

Yup.

See this sort of shit (and I imagine there’ll be a fair bit of it to come, sorry to say) as helping you detach.

And feel sorry for her, because she’s either desperate or stupid.

Rise above it and don’t engage. It’ll be hard but you’ll come out stronger.

Yeah I can imagine to be honest. I always knew he had someone else but it's not who I thought and I'm abit gutted! The person I thought it was is shy and quite reserved. The new gf is not like that. Iim expecting a fair bit of shit from both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:38

cestlavielife · 10/12/2023 09:35

Tell your friends you are not interested in hearing about him

Yeah I know, they were just looking out for me though.

OP posts:
LouMorris · 10/12/2023 09:39

Ask your friends to stop reporting back to you (is the expression Flying Monkeys?’ Explain that you’re not interested and it has no bearing on your life now.

LouMorris · 10/12/2023 09:40

Sorry, cross posted.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2023 09:41

Of course he did it on purpose. It's obvious he's going to use her as a free nanny.
Would you want to be in her shoes....I thought not.

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 09:43

You did the right thing by not being there. If your mum is the pick up or drop of point it makes it easier for you to not be there and have no contact. If he did want to say something to you his opportunity is taken away and any messages about DC can be passed on through mum.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2023 09:45

Grey rock OP. If you don't know have a read. It's very useful.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:46

jeaux90 · 10/12/2023 09:45

Grey rock OP. If you don't know have a read. It's very useful.

Yes I use grey rock as much as I can. He hates it! I get called cold and heartless lol

OP posts:
Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:47

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 09:43

You did the right thing by not being there. If your mum is the pick up or drop of point it makes it easier for you to not be there and have no contact. If he did want to say something to you his opportunity is taken away and any messages about DC can be passed on through mum.

Yeah my mum said she will always do it when she can.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 09:49

First of all I’m really sorry you’re going through all this, and I’m glad you are no longer with this awful man. Obviously this is a very tough time for you and your head must be all over the place.

But - and I mean this with kindness - you are going to need to stop trying to analyse your ex’s every intention if you are ever going to move on from this relationship. By obsessing over why he has timed his relationship status at this particular time, you are letting him continue to control you.

Ultimately, what does it matter whether he did this deliberately or not? It’s totally understandable to be shocked/saddened to learn that an ex has rapidly moved on - most people would be. But you need to remind yourself that his thought process behind his timing makes zero material difference to you. It’s hurtful, of course - but it would be hurtful whether he timed it deliberately or not. It’s OK to work through your feelings about him having a new relationship, but analysing his timing and letting yourself get worked up over whether it was or wasn’t timed deliberately? No. Stop. Do not waste your time and energy on this bullshit any more.

He can only play his manipulative mind games with you if you agree to take part - and by obsessing over whether he’s specifically timed his announcement to rile you before you see him, you are allowing yourself be manipulated and controlled by him. You are better than that. Set yourself free. He’s an arsehole, you are rid of him, and you do not need to care about why he’s doing this stuff.

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 09:49

imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:47

Yeah my mum said she will always do it when she can.

Show quote history

That’s a great offer from your mum and given your experience with him it’s the right thing to do for you and DC

HamsterBanana · 10/12/2023 09:51

He's a ex for a reason, he's her problem not now yours. Enjoy your new found freedom.

wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 09:53

Of course he did it on purpose, it's exactly what my ex would have done. Blocking and going nc as much as possible is the only way to go. Good call doing handover with your dm.

Rainbow1901 · 10/12/2023 09:53

You are going to have to deal with this kind of thing more than once in the future and not necessarily about his other relationships.
This is a man who is trying to push your buttons and seeking a reaction (which you are not going to give him!!) and it won't matter what the subject is - he still wants to control you.
As a previous PP said it serves as a good reminder of why you split up. He has form for gaslighting you - the difference is you now know that and can deal with it accordingly.
Do allow yourself to feel your emotions - whether it be tears or laughing hysterically (in private of course!) because it will be liberating - it will be hard at first but each time you will grow a little stronger and happier and ultimately ready to move on with your life in due course. Have faith in yourself - you can do this.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 10/12/2023 09:57

Thank you all so much.

I'm in therapy at the moment and have just completed the freedom programme. I really am trying to work through this in the right way.

If I do cry, he won't know. I won't be running to him and I stay as grey rock as possible.

It's 100% a form of control and I see that. The same with maintenance that he hasn't paid and I only get when he feels like it.

I know what I have to to do. I also know it's ok to feel sad and heartbroken. I know to feel the pain and deal with it until it passes.

It's my emotions I need to deal with. Not him

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 10:19

Now you’ve taken away so much of his control he’s going to be coming out with any little petty tactics he can to get to you. Keep doing what you’re doing and invest time into doing self esteem work (the book overcoming low self esteem is excellent and on the nhs recommended reading list). It might look like he is “happy” in the short term while you are traumatised and healing but he is guaranteed a lifetime of miserable unhealthy relationships in which his partners have to be coerced to stay and you’re building foundations for lasting meaningful happiness and learning how to have truly healthy relationships. You’re doing a great job 💕

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