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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has a hobby

76 replies

PepsiMarx · 10/12/2023 02:10

People always refer to their husband's hobby, (usually he's off most of Saturday leaving the OP to care for 4 kids and the dog and coordinate a children's party) but never say what it is. This is usually because the hobby will be "outing". Unless it's swimming the coast of the UK dressed as Mr Blobby, the hobby will never be outing and the whole thread is derailed as people guess the hobby and OP argues relentlessly that it's not relevant. Can there be a ban on non specific hobbies ?

OP posts:
Bolloxforsure · 10/12/2023 09:18

I think it’s outing in as much as the husband (usually an arse) stalks the OPs posts then kicks off if he recognises himself.

topnoddy · 10/12/2023 09:25

WandaWonder · 10/12/2023 07:55

So why can't you get a hobby?

This is mumsnet , no one's husband is allowed a hobby that takes him out of the house for more than 30 seconds a month !

MumblesParty · 10/12/2023 09:26

Behindyouiam · 10/12/2023 02:11

What's your AIBU?

It’s not difficult. She’s asking if she is being unreasonable to think people should say what the hobby is.

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2023 09:28

Guessing is half the fun. It's either cycling or golf anyway.

Something that takes the husband out of the family equation for massive chunks of time
I don't think it is usually cycling or golf. I think they're just the go to guesses, possibly from people who don't have many hobbies or interests themselves.

Of the people I know just some of the hobbies include:

  • gym
  • cycling
  • mountain biking
  • hiking
  • fell running
  • football
  • running/athletics
  • dance
  • horse riding / some equestrian event that I don't understand
  • model making (trains, toy models, miniature cars etc)
  • rugby
  • musical ensembles
  • amateur dramatic societies

All of them can find ways for their hobby to take up large amounts of time. Many did before children.

Most of them choose to adapt their hobbies to fit changes in life circumstances.

Obviously the arseholes who conveniently decide a hobby is very important when there's a baby at home and insist they have to be out 8-10 hours a day at the weekend and miss multiple bedtimes a week are out of order. That's a then issue, not a hobby issue.

But on Mumsnet I suspect there's an awful lot of posters who have limited interests or hobbies themselves and that's why there's a lot of "he says I could have time to myself at the weekend, but I don't want to. I want family time" as they object to an adult having something outside the house on a weekly basis.

Swirlyyyy · 10/12/2023 09:29

The other thing they could do is just substitute it for a close approximation in terms of time and equipment cost since those are usually the relevant points. Eg say it's cycling when it's hiking. (Now awaiting people now telling me those are nothing alike in either time or cost...)

Swirlyyyy · 10/12/2023 09:34

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2023 09:28

Guessing is half the fun. It's either cycling or golf anyway.

Something that takes the husband out of the family equation for massive chunks of time
I don't think it is usually cycling or golf. I think they're just the go to guesses, possibly from people who don't have many hobbies or interests themselves.

Of the people I know just some of the hobbies include:

  • gym
  • cycling
  • mountain biking
  • hiking
  • fell running
  • football
  • running/athletics
  • dance
  • horse riding / some equestrian event that I don't understand
  • model making (trains, toy models, miniature cars etc)
  • rugby
  • musical ensembles
  • amateur dramatic societies

All of them can find ways for their hobby to take up large amounts of time. Many did before children.

Most of them choose to adapt their hobbies to fit changes in life circumstances.

Obviously the arseholes who conveniently decide a hobby is very important when there's a baby at home and insist they have to be out 8-10 hours a day at the weekend and miss multiple bedtimes a week are out of order. That's a then issue, not a hobby issue.

But on Mumsnet I suspect there's an awful lot of posters who have limited interests or hobbies themselves and that's why there's a lot of "he says I could have time to myself at the weekend, but I don't want to. I want family time" as they object to an adult having something outside the house on a weekly basis.

Edited

I think if you have hobbies that are home based (eg reading, gaming, crafts) it can be a lot harder to get uninterrupted time for them than eg going out to sports practice twice a week. Sometimes I wonder if that's the issue especially when one person is an out of home hobbies person and the other an at home one. Though plenty of male gamers seem to manage to find time for it when kids are home.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2023 09:34

My ex husbands hobbies destroyed our 20 year marriage and were so all consuming I never saw him. They were:
Motorcycle Action Group.
Fetish and swinging (a hobby I did not wish to join him in).
CAMRA (beer drinking club) so pissed all the time.
Is that outing enough for you?
He would definitely recognise himself from this list and I don't care. His hobbies made my life a misery.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2023 09:38

And... I myself have loads of hobbies which I am now perfectly free to indulge in now I no longer have to do all the housework and gardening, sort out the car and work full time as well and am single.
His hobbies meant I had to do absolutely everything on my own and I was exhausted with it all. Another person in the house makes a lot of mess and washing.
Now I live alone the house is always nice and I have a lot of time for myself.
DS (mine) is grown up.

DelurkingAJ · 10/12/2023 09:42

I faintly remember a poster who admitted the hobby was jousting (with proper horses and in costume!). I felt that was indeed outing.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 10/12/2023 09:50

DelurkingAJ · 10/12/2023 09:42

I faintly remember a poster who admitted the hobby was jousting (with proper horses and in costume!). I felt that was indeed outing.

And definitely unreasonable too, anyone with a horse related hobby is always being unreasonable. It is an utterly unreasonable hobby that takes up unreasonable amounts of time and money, makes you unreasonably filthy and smelly, trashes your car and requires unreasonable amounts of dirty/smelly kit.

HOWEVER the joy of being with a horse person is that they will encourage the other person in their time consuming and expensive hobbies because while the DH is golfing he doesn't know that the wife is washing horse stuff in the washing machine and dishwasher or exactly how many hours she spent at the stables
😁😁😁😁

Swirlyyyy · 10/12/2023 09:54

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 10/12/2023 09:50

And definitely unreasonable too, anyone with a horse related hobby is always being unreasonable. It is an utterly unreasonable hobby that takes up unreasonable amounts of time and money, makes you unreasonably filthy and smelly, trashes your car and requires unreasonable amounts of dirty/smelly kit.

HOWEVER the joy of being with a horse person is that they will encourage the other person in their time consuming and expensive hobbies because while the DH is golfing he doesn't know that the wife is washing horse stuff in the washing machine and dishwasher or exactly how many hours she spent at the stables
😁😁😁😁

Show quote history

😁 I've noticed a lot of car/motorbike people get with horse people

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:30

Agree!

Although anyone who comes on here and says they can't give some detail because it's too "outing", sorry love, but no one is thinking about you THAT much.

KimberleyClark · 10/12/2023 10:44

GoodOldEmmaNess · 10/12/2023 08:09

Perhaps it is the word 'hobby' that is the problem. We don't normally think of our leisure activities as 'hobbies'. It conjures up an image of a gentleman curate collecting butterflies or a 1970s big brother painting Airfix.
So when it is applied to a real-life husband in the wild it feels sort of exotic.

I agree. Maybe people don’t want to say it’s birdwatching or sailing his radio controlled boat on the local pond or metal detecting.

Original poster
PepsiMarx · 10/12/2023 10:48

GoodOldEmmaNess · 10/12/2023 08:09

Perhaps it is the word 'hobby' that is the problem. We don't normally think of our leisure activities as 'hobbies'. It conjures up an image of a gentleman curate collecting butterflies or a 1970s big brother painting Airfix.
So when it is applied to a real-life husband in the wild it feels sort of exotic.

Haha. This is exactly where my mind goes. Or a mild mannered postman tending to his oversized terrarium bottle garden.

OP posts:
Circularargument · 10/12/2023 10:51

Smugandproud · 10/12/2023 08:47

It’s always golf or cycling.
My dh’s hobby is running, fortunately it only lasts as far as he can manage now he’s getting older.😂

He should get into racewalking. My oh did 100 miles at the age of 70...

Circularargument · 10/12/2023 10:56

That's non stop btw

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/12/2023 10:59

The last thread I saw with an unspecified hobby (the OP's in this case) turned out to be a small ensemble playing the work of the lesser known Baroque composers. Which to be fair, is quite specific! Was an interesting thread 🙂

UsingChangeofName · 10/12/2023 11:47

TyneTeas · 10/12/2023 02:36

What the hobby is is irrelevant. The posts are usually about their impact

It doesn't matter whether the hobby is origami or ice fishing

It is in almost all cases about fairness and equity and your partner being fair and you not being the default.

In how many cases would we actually say, oh if that is the hobby then fair enough he should just crack in then...

This

SallyWD · 10/12/2023 11:48

I think the hobby is usually irrelevant and there's no need for it to be revealed. My DH actually does have an unusual hobby (not cycling, golf, football etc) so I would always say hobby.

PlipPlopChoo · 10/12/2023 11:49

Unless it's swimming the coast of the UK dressed as Mr Blobby

I lol'd hard at that one.

FinallyFinalGirl · 10/12/2023 11:50

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/12/2023 10:59

The last thread I saw with an unspecified hobby (the OP's in this case) turned out to be a small ensemble playing the work of the lesser known Baroque composers. Which to be fair, is quite specific! Was an interesting thread 🙂

Oh yes. With the weird guy who thought he knew it all. That was an interesting one!

UsingChangeofName · 10/12/2023 11:52

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:30

Agree!

Although anyone who comes on here and says they can't give some detail because it's too "outing", sorry love, but no one is thinking about you THAT much.

Weirdly though, there ARE lots of posters on here that go and look up posters' other threads.

Whereas many hobbies wouldn't be outing if that were the only information you ever gave about yourself, they are once you've mentioned on another thread that you live in the Manchester Area, then on another thread that you are a Nurse, then, on another thread that you have 4 dc, then something about the volunteering you do, it soon builds a picture of who you are.

caringcarer · 10/12/2023 11:55

winewolfhowls · 10/12/2023 07:53

It's always cycling so it doesn't matter

This.

Original poster
PepsiMarx · 10/12/2023 12:07

SallyWD · 10/12/2023 11:48

I think the hobby is usually irrelevant and there's no need for it to be revealed. My DH actually does have an unusual hobby (not cycling, golf, football etc) so I would always say hobby.

Already this post is annoying because you hint at some fantastical hobby which you couldn't possibly say. He shines the brass nobbins at the very top of church steeples dressed as the late HRH Queen Mother doesn't he ?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 10/12/2023 12:19

PepsiMarx · 10/12/2023 12:07

Already this post is annoying because you hint at some fantastical hobby which you couldn't possibly say. He shines the brass nobbins at the very top of church steeples dressed as the late HRH Queen Mother doesn't he ?

Show quote history

Haha!! Nothing like that! Just a adrenalin sport that not many people do.

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