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Original poster

My sister is upset with me because I didn't confront her ex

35 replies

loreal3023 · 09/12/2023 22:43

My sister and her ex have been on and off for a long time, she has tried to get rid of him and moved many times in the past 6 years to get away from him, he always finds a way to her house. He will tell her he’s changed, and she falls for it every time. He’s violent and an alcoholic. He has strangled her once and police was called, when police take him away and he’s released he’s has broken into her house through the window. He has locked her in the room, took her phone away so she couldn’t call the police, and she was locked in the room for 2 hours. Social services have been involved with her children and it’s just a huge mess. He drinks everyday, he drinks around 12-16 bears away. There are beer cans all over her kitchen, he’s drunk and you can see it on him. He sits in her kitchen with his laptop and 24 pack beers and just drinks and on YouTube while she’s dealing with the kids. This is him everyday.

Anyway, today I was at her house and she told him how she’s been arguing with him moving out and she’s had enough. So we both were in her balcony smoking a cigarette, and she’s trying to close the balcony door but he pushes it back and stands there looking at her with this evil look. I really thought he was going to hit her again as he’s drunk, and doesn’t care. He’s standing inside with the balcony door open, and throws his cigarette so it nearly hit her, I was shocked.

So later me and my sister went out for drive to speak about things, and how she’s going to get him out. Suddenly she turns on me and says that she can’t really get help from me, because I’m always thinking about myself and I’m “conflict shy” , and I should have confronted him when he was passive aggressive towards her at the balcony.

This is a man who’s choked her, beat her, trashed her house and broke furniture during arguments, this is a man who’s drunk and violent and she wants me to confront him? I have three children, I am not going to put myself in danger knowing he’s capable of doing anything and he’s drunk! I was so shocked as we were sitting in the car, I didn’t say much I just asked her to drop me off and that was it.

So am I wrong for not confronting her violent ex?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:45

There’s no way SS would allow him back so can you explain that part first?

JellyIegs · 09/12/2023 22:45

Safety has to be the priority. You did the right thing. I hope your sister manages to break away from him for good

Anonymouseposter · 09/12/2023 22:49

Of course you shouldn’t confront someone who’s drunk and aggressive , it would achieve nothing.

Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:52

This is not your battle
Your job is to support your sister

She's deflecting rather than facing up to it - particularly as she's seen you were shocked

It's awful but you can't do it for her

Clearly she isn't safe - but what about the children? Are they? Should you be telling SS he is in the house?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/12/2023 22:56

In all honesty, I'd be surprised if he wasn't debating shoving her off the balcony at that point. And she hasn't got the insight to understand the danger she is in.

I think you should report it to SS as she's failing to safeguard herself or protect the children.

You were absolutely sensible to not want to confront him. You are being unreasonable in going there in the first place, though, as her children need protecting, not seeing you effectively give approval to the environment their mother is keeping them in.

Original poster
loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:51

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:45

There’s no way SS would allow him back so can you explain that part first?

Social services were involved, but they told her they can't live together and they know that he's in and out of her house, and the reason why she doesn't want to call the police is because she's scared of what he will do. She can't even have a relationship and live with another man, because he's told her he doesn't want another man around the children and if he finds out that's another man living in the house with his children, he's going to kill him. So she said she doesn't want to live with another man, because she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if something happened to him, but it's okay to put me in danger right? Expecting me to confront him knowing he's violent

OP posts:
Original poster
loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:54

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/12/2023 22:56

In all honesty, I'd be surprised if he wasn't debating shoving her off the balcony at that point. And she hasn't got the insight to understand the danger she is in.

I think you should report it to SS as she's failing to safeguard herself or protect the children.

You were absolutely sensible to not want to confront him. You are being unreasonable in going there in the first place, though, as her children need protecting, not seeing you effectively give approval to the environment their mother is keeping them in.

This is exactly how I feel, she's so used to this chaotic life and used to him drunk and violent, she doesn't realise it's not normal and other people will be shocked by it. I am so hurt that my sister expect me to confront a man she knows have beat and choked her, it's hurt that she's willing to put me in that situation knowing I have children and calling me selfish because I didn't want to do that. I was thinking of my children in that moment, I don't know what he would do if I confront him.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 08:54

This story is at a different level of insane

Your sister isn't doing the minimum to protect herself and her children but gets mad at you for not confronting a lunatic?

Maybe you can't help some people

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:56

She is wrong to expect you to confront an aggressive man (what you describe was aggressive not passive aggressive).

However in your shoes I’d be contacting Social services to inform them he is in the home and being abusive again. Sadly your sister need specialist domestic abuse support and social services involvement. The police should also be proceeding with charges against him if they can get enough evidence. Could you help collect evidence of his abuse?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 08:56

She wants you to confront the violent man that she keeps taking back? She is choosing to put herself and her kids at risk for him again and again and she wants you to confront him?

I appreciate she is an abuse victim but she is wanting others to actively put themselves at risk to stand up for her when she won’t even split up with him?

She wants you to do something? Them call the police. Explain that he shouldn’t be there, he has strangled her and he is drunk and aggressive.

Her wanting to you to risk your safety, even your life, shows that her thinking is fucked up. She won’t protect her kids though, so she isn’t fussed about your safety is she?

Original poster
loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:58

She's scared of him and I get that, when she tried to get police involved he's told her if he loses the children and goes to prison he will find her and kill her. Even if he's in prison he will get people to find her. All this is what's making her not take action, she's just scared of what he will do. I understand she's scared, but I also think he knows this and knows she will not do anything because of his threats. But I've told her call his bluff and do it.

OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 10/12/2023 08:59

If you had confronted him , you would have been blamed for the next bout of violence. You would have played in to his hands . Plus very real chance you would have ended up over the balcony. Social services need to move children to a place of safety while your sister gets herself moved .

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 09:00

loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:58

She's scared of him and I get that, when she tried to get police involved he's told her if he loses the children and goes to prison he will find her and kill her. Even if he's in prison he will get people to find her. All this is what's making her not take action, she's just scared of what he will do. I understand she's scared, but I also think he knows this and knows she will not do anything because of his threats. But I've told her call his bluff and do it.

She’s not capable of keeping herself safe, or her kids safe, from him at the moment. I think that you need to view whatever she says or does through that lens.

She probably redirected anger she can’t show him to you. I doubt she genuinely thinks you should start an argument with him. A situation in which you can’t win.

starfishmummy · 10/12/2023 09:08

I suspect that this is a situation where whatever you do will be wrong in your sisters eyes.

If you had confronted him, the she'd have said that was wrong too.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 09:10

loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:58

She's scared of him and I get that, when she tried to get police involved he's told her if he loses the children and goes to prison he will find her and kill her. Even if he's in prison he will get people to find her. All this is what's making her not take action, she's just scared of what he will do. I understand she's scared, but I also think he knows this and knows she will not do anything because of his threats. But I've told her call his bluff and do it.

So she thinks he is genuinely capable of murder or organising a murder. And she still wanted you to confront him? A man she believes would murder her? Really?

I get hang she is a scared. But I think part of her likes the drama. She wanted you to fight to protect her. She probably somewhere on her head sees his anger as proof of how much he loves her.

She needs the drama as proof people care. She is so addicted she doesn’t care who is at risk. And when the kids are older. She will expect them to protect her and put themselves at risk.

You need to speak to SS as soon as possible.

Whataretheodds · 10/12/2023 09:12

I would take it as her asking for your help to change the situation.

You mentioned twice that she wouldn't be able to have another man living there. That's waaaaayyyy down on the priority list. She needs to engage with social services and the police to get him out. If she hasn't already reported his threats to kill she must. If she doesn't take action SS may deem her unable to keep the children safe. I think she's looking for your help to do that.

Whataretheodds · 10/12/2023 09:12

Women's Aid would be a good phone call to make.

Lovingitallnow · 10/12/2023 09:15

Have you ever suggested to her what she should do? Could it be that she's turning it on you saying you won't confront him either?

Messyhair321 · 10/12/2023 09:35

loreal3023 · 10/12/2023 08:51

Social services were involved, but they told her they can't live together and they know that he's in and out of her house, and the reason why she doesn't want to call the police is because she's scared of what he will do. She can't even have a relationship and live with another man, because he's told her he doesn't want another man around the children and if he finds out that's another man living in the house with his children, he's going to kill him. So she said she doesn't want to live with another man, because she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if something happened to him, but it's okay to put me in danger right? Expecting me to confront him knowing he's violent

Show quote history

Well firstly, you can't rely on SS to do anything, they're often quite thick when it comes to these sort of family dynamics, they can be hoodwinked, naïve, ignorant, depends on who you get & how easily manipulated they are for a start. Secondly, this is no judgement on your DS, but she may protect him in exactly the way you describe. People caught in a domestic abuse cycle often do.
My guess is that she's actually angry at herself, because really she wants to stand up to him but cannot.
In your shoes I would ask her how best you can support her, tell her you are there for her , say you are worried about your own safety should you stand up to him.
Give her some leeway, she's going through an ongoing stressful situation which will be extremely challenging to remove herself from. She needs all the strength she can get, I'd be all over the place too in her position.

lkmbj · 10/12/2023 09:36

Call the police and social services yourself. He is violent and threatened her life.

Dogknowsbest · 10/12/2023 09:45

This is ridiculous. It's not up to you to have an argument with someone who's aggressive. You have children to think of too.

It sounds awful but it's up to her to not keep on letting him back in and to realise he's not going to change.

Quitelikeit · 10/12/2023 09:49

God these poor kids?! These kids must be absolutely terrified of this monster.

Can’t you see that you need to call SS and report this brute because your sister doesn’t have the courage

Or PM me and I’ll do it

2jacqi · 10/12/2023 09:51

@loreal3023 If she has moved so often, who keeps telling him where she is?? Is it the kids?? relatives??? she actually needs to move right out of the area and stop letting him in the house in the first place! she is the one who is too soft, not you!!

Chipsahoyagain · 10/12/2023 09:51

he always finds a way to her house he doesn't just appear, she allows him, she chooses to allow him. She is just as bad doing that to her kids. Stop engaging in her drama.

LakeTiticaca · 10/12/2023 10:21

He will end up killing her. Ring social services and tell them he is back living there. The children need to be taken into protective custody, since your sister is prioritising this vile piece of shite over them