My sister is upset with me because I didn't confront her ex

[loreal3023]

My sister and her ex have been on and off for a long time, she has tried to get rid of him and moved many times in the past 6 years to get away from him, he always finds a way to her house. He will tell her he’s changed, and she falls for it every time. He’s violent and an alcoholic. He has strangled her once and police was called, when police take him away and he’s released he’s has broken into her house through the window. He has locked her in the room, took her phone away so she couldn’t call the police, and she was locked in the room for 2 hours. Social services have been involved with her children and it’s just a huge mess. He drinks everyday, he drinks around 12-16 bears away. There are beer cans all over her kitchen, he’s drunk and you can see it on him. He sits in her kitchen with his laptop and 24 pack beers and just drinks and on YouTube while she’s dealing with the kids. This is him everyday.

Anyway, today I was at her house and she told him how she’s been arguing with him moving out and she’s had enough. So we both were in her balcony smoking a cigarette, and she’s trying to close the balcony door but he pushes it back and stands there looking at her with this evil look. I really thought he was going to hit her again as he’s drunk, and doesn’t care. He’s standing inside with the balcony door open, and throws his cigarette so it nearly hit her, I was shocked.

So later me and my sister went out for drive to speak about things, and how she’s going to get him out. Suddenly she turns on me and says that she can’t really get help from me, because I’m always thinking about myself and I’m “conflict shy” , and I should have confronted him when he was passive aggressive towards her at the balcony.

This is a man who’s choked her, beat her, trashed her house and broke furniture during arguments, this is a man who’s drunk and violent and she wants me to confront him? I have three children, I am not going to put myself in danger knowing he’s capable of doing anything and he’s drunk! I was so shocked as we were sitting in the car, I didn’t say much I just asked her to drop me off and that was it.

So am I wrong for not confronting her violent ex?

Clearly you are not the problem here. Your sister is projecting her own issues on to you by calling you ‘conflict averse’. She is the one who has repeatedly let this man back into her life.

I would be inclined to call Social Services because your sister’s children are obviously at risk.

Ok, you CAN support your sister, but not by 'confronting' this man, as he is clearly dangerous.

Have you tried sitting down with her privately and saying look, what help can I offer, shall we call women's aid, I'll sit here with you while we call the police... that sort of thing?

You're probably right, because she did say in the car that she was angry at herself for letting in her house and now she can't get rid of him.

I spoke to her today, and she said she just wanted me to tell him not to behave like that, and sort of defend and support her. When she tried to close the balcony door, and he pushed it back a bit and looked at her with this evil look that's when she wanted me to tell him not to do that. She said he was trying to show her his "dominance ". To be fair, I could tell from his body language that he was trying to show her he owns this place and she can't do nothing. Especially when he flicked the cigarette, she wanted me to speak up to show him that she has family who's going to help her if he does something. Because for years it's just been her and him, and he's told her he's treating her like this because he knows she has no family around.

I moved to be closer to her, and we're now literally neighbours, she said to me" what's the point of having you around if you're not gonna do something" this really hurt me.

I slept on it, and I guess now maybe speaking up when he pushed the balcony door back at her would have been the least I could do.

But I was so shocked at the moment, I couldn't think of nothing but to call the police. Especially after everything she's told me about him, I thought if I got involved he would start arguing with us or start throwing things around. I told her I was thinking of the kids in the house, and didn't want to escalate the situation.

She also said if our other sister was around she would have done something. That's really hurtful, she's acting if he was beating her and I was just watching.

I told her I will support her if but I think she looks at me as someone she can't on when there's an issue .

When I told her I will support her, she said it doesn't now because "I've had my chance.." and he's moving out soon.

@loreal3023 your sister needs to show some backbone herself! she cannot expect you to fight her battles when she has done nothing to fight them herself for years and let herself get into this position!

She is using you as a weapon against him and has no care for your safety.

My mum tries to do the same but verbally. She would want me to confront my siblings on her behalf with accusations I didn’t know were true or false. I didn’t get involved, I just continued to support my mum in other ways. I think it comes from a place of bad mental health but there’s nothing you can do except urge her to call the police.

You were 100% to not get involved.

You need to tell all of this to the children's social worker.

Those DCs arent safe.

She needs to flee with them to a refuge.

No, you'd have just as likely ended up being the one going over the balcony at that point - she'd have been raging that you made it worse by opening your mouth (if she wasn't busy giving a witness statement that you slipped and fell, probably).

No point in you being near? No, there isn't - because there's no point in you doing anything, as you'll be accused of not stopping it and accused of making it worse - and whatever you try to do, she will put him above the safety and mental health of her children. Because she wants him, the adrenalin, the sex, the rush of fights and hostility, more than she wants them.

You’re missing the most important point OP, never mind you not confronting the idiot, what the hell is going on with this happening around those poor children??? I can’t believe you and your sister are allowing this to go on, those children are completely innocent and probably traumatised, you and your sister should be focusing on THAT