To want to spend Christmas at home?!

[Ticsmum]

For the past 10 years, we've spent Christmas here, there and everywhere because DH doesn't want to spend it at home just us which I do understand as it's about family time and fun with friends, I get it.

But we now have an almost 7 month old and I want to be at home for Christmas, I want to start new traditions, a cosy slow day, a dog walk, opening presents, cooking a lovely Christmas dinner, feet up with a glass of wine after and binge on chocolate and cheese and crackers and as baby gets older do new things that we can do every year as a family tradition even if it's simple like pjs on by 6pm and sit down with nibbly bits and watch a Christmas movie.

We currently leave the house at around 8am because both of our parents are remarried so we have 4 hours to go to, then I am close to my aunt (she helped my grandparents raise me) and DH Nan and Grandad who he's very close to. That's 6 houses we have to visit on Christmas Day, and every year it's a battle to decide where we are for Christmas dinner because his Mum cops the arse if we don't go there, my Mum gets upset about it, our Dad's are pretty chilled and we always have an invite to theirs too.

This year, we are spending it with his Nan and Grandad plus BIL and SIL and I'm looking forward to it but I've said next year I would like to be at home, DH isn't having any of this and says it'll be boring.

He also can't stay in NYE, I asked for compromise maybe we alternate a Christmas Day at home or a NYE at home, nope we have to be with family and/or friends.

I don't particularly like NYE anyway and would happily spend the evening in and watch the fireworks on the TV with the dog by my feet, baby tucked up in bed and then go to bed myself.

I'm 30 so I'm not old I just don't have any interest in being out past 10pm now I have a baby to look after!

How can I bring this to some kind of compromise? Is it boring to spend Christmas the 3 of you playing games, opening presents, Christmas films etc? Am I just really boring?!

He can't have it all his own way, being in a relationship means compromising.
Sounds like he doesn't want to be roped into any kind of work on the day.

Of course it's not bloody boring unless every family member is perfect and incredibly entertaining.

Of course it's also good to have company but why not on different days??

Spend the day relaxing.

I dread Christmas because by 27th December I'm burnt out and feel miserable. I have medication for anxiety and depression and honestly, being around people, multiple people, on the same day, in different locations leaves me a miserable anxious mess. I feel like crawling into bed from 27th-1st January because I'm knackered but I can't do that when I have a baby.

I think you need alternate years although once your baby is older and especially if you have more than one then you won’t want to be going different places and neither will they. It’s nice for DC to have memories of Christmas in their own home and traditions; we decided when our DC was 3 that we would stay at home in the future on Christmas but would be happy to host.
Im with you about New Year’s Eve to be honest but end up compromising on having people over or going to other peoples even though I’d rather go to be early

Just tell him to go on his own and ask your mum or dad to come to you and help you cook and host.

Start from this year so he gets the message.

You visit 6 houses? 4h drive? What the fuck.

Unfortunately sounds like you never learned what boundaries are, well here you can start. Be prepared for everyone to have a go at you/emotional blackmail, after all you've been doing what everyone else wants all your life and they aren't going to like you stopping

I would suggest staying at home in the morning and going to 1 house for the afternoon. And doing more places on Christmas Eve/boxing day. Or inviting people to yours.

It took 4 years with kids to start doing Christmas at home. I like it but only if we have family over or it feels really flat.

After DS1s first Christmas we said we would have Christmas Day at home. We go to my parents' Christmas Eve and DH's parents Boxing Day but Christmas Day is at home. Anyone that wants to come to ours is welcome to, whether it's for a drink or Christmas dinner. Some years it's just us, some years we have siblings, parents and grandparents.

Six houses in a day would be a hard no from the get go for me so you’re an actual Christmas saint for that one.
I’d be offended to be honest that my partner thought being alone with me and our child was so torturous?

What about what baby needs? Have you done that much travelling with a baby in a day before? Nah, not for me!

When my SIL had her baby, they let everyone in the family know they'd be spending Christmas day at home and any of them were welcome to drop in throughout the day and they had their meal about 5pm. Everyone got together but the stress of taking a baby from house to house was eliminated.

I don't blame you for wanting to be at home and starting new traditions as a family. Your DH will need to compromise.

Thanks everyone for the ideas and suggestions.

I think I will put my foot down after this year and make it clear early on that we will be at home for Christmas and anyone that would like to come to us for picky bits and drinks after we've had dinner (we both grew up having Christmas dinner at about 2/3pm so it won't be late) is more than welcome.

Believe me. Once you've dragged a 7mo to 6 houses in a day no one will invite you next year 😂

Joking aside. I don't blame you. I always go to my parents Xmas day. But it's just ds and I and we don't go until after lunch and are home by 6pm. They are only 10 minutes away!

My mum died last year and Xmas day was horrid at dads house without her there. So we are going to my brothers this year which is 40 minutes away. I'm looking forward to it but I've declined NYe at mums sisters. I also can't do too many nights and am happy at home.

Ds is now 19 and I'd happily spend it at home just the 2 of us but find just a few hours is manageable but no way would I be going to 6 houses. That's a least a weeks worth of visits!

Maybe next year stay home but have an open house with nibbles rather than a planned Xmas dinner?

Sorry should have said we go for lunch and ate home by 6!

So do this year, and keep handing the baby to him to look after, don’t do it all yourself. Then when baby gets cranky etc just hand them over. Then after Christmas remind him how the baby was, and it will be worse next year when they are toddling. Remind him of that

As the year progresses just say you want to spend Xmas day at home, but are happy to visit Boxing Day, could you invite people to you? As to NYE I would let him do what he wants and you stay at home and do what you want

My SDD spent her first Christmas morning after having her daughter trailing around different homes visiting family and was due to end up at her DM's who then lived around the corner from us when all was done.
As often happens when visiting various family - timing went awry and by the time she reached us which was her last stop before her DMs she was stressed, the baby was stressed, her DH was stressed and to top it all as soon as she arrived the phone went in our house for the fifth time that morning!! It was her DM wanting to know where she was and how long was she going to be?
I simply said - you won't do that again will you? And..... she never did!!
Our GD is now 19 and they still have their morning at home despite whatever else maybe planned.
That first morning was all short, local car journeys and nothing like what you are going through. If DH thinks the day will be boring then he needs to liven up the day by inviting family to yours and start the rotation agenda for future Christmasses. Your DH is being unfair by not compromising - you both have different visions of how Christmas and NYE should be - so you should both have the chance to do them. But NYE with young kids rarely works - your DH also sounds a little bit lazy in always wanting to be somewhere else - that way he can have a fun time but without all the work of hosting and entertaining at home!
I know from experience that as your DC grows up - dragging her away from all the toys and presents to go out in the car and see people will not be a fun time for her so you could find that things will evolve naturally.
I hope you can work something out.

I'd hate being at home with just us. Part of Christmas being special is to be out with the family. Otherwise it's just like any other Sunday roast to me. Have a conversation with him to see what he feels, thinks about and get to a compromise.

We celebrate Christmas Eve with just us, and occasionally a friend as long as we know they'll fit in with the day. This is when we do Christmas "our way".

For us, that's cuddling up together reading the Christmas story from the bible, and acting it out with the nativity sets since our children are young.

Breakfast is Christmas Tree shaped Pain au Chocolat and for supper we eat Shepherd's Pie - all which can be made well in advance so there's hardly any work on the day.

In the morning we sing carols around the piano in our pyjamas, then we have a picnic lunch and hot chocolate on top of a nearby hill with a gorgeous view. We walk after sunset to look at the Christmas lights. And we snuggle up in front of a Christmas film and eat the gingerbread nativity scene.

For us, it's perfect. It doesn't matter that it isn't Christmas day. Our children get the big chaotic family gatherings on Christmas day with the driving around between places singing Christmas songs at the top of our voices and getting exhausted. And our families don't do Christmas in the way we like. But t it doesn't matter because we've already had our lovely day.

Maybe you could have a Christmas celebration each year that is exactly how YOU want it. A sacrosanct day with no work or other Christmas prep or phone calls or anything like that. Your perfect Christmas Day, just a day early.

Start your own traditions this year. Your DH sounds like a bit of a selfish plonker tbh.

We always stay at home just the four of us and its always lovely and really chilled.

My mum lives closest but has never been bothered about spending any time with us. We have tried in the past inviting them on boxing day or NY day but its really not worth the hassle. She will arrive late and after 20-30 minutes keep looking at her watch and she gets twitchy and uncomfortable coming up to an hour and never stays any longer than this.

DH’s family would always have liked us to go there but its too far away so would be an overnight stay and lots of us crammed into a house thats not big enough, lots of sitting around often on the floor or on an uncomfortable seat, squashed up on top of each other in an overly hot house. Not for me.

YANBU

DH needs to learn the art of compromise.

YABU for saying “picky bits” 🤢

I would visit your families in December either before or just after Christmas and have Christmas day to yourselves.

Don't blame you at all. We have a baby and are going to my family's but they're less than 10 mins drive. I wouldn't be driving far with a baby on Christmas Day. In your situation I'd want my own space.

We started the stay at home when DD was 18 months and never looked back!

Anyone welcome to visit, but we don’t budge.

With 6 houses to visit, I’d be spreading that out over a week!

And sadly I haven’t been out on NYE for 30 years. Originally it was because we couldn’t find or afford a babysitter, and now it’s just too mad and we’re not bothered just the two of us.

We stayed at home once we had kids and it has always been really lovely just quiet family time with just us and not trying to fit in with anyone else's plans so definitely recommend starting this as a new tradition. So much more relaxing than driving everywhere

I think you’ll struggle doing that amount of house visits with a baby this year. I agree with PP that as soon as DC gets cranky hand them over to DH.

Have you discussed a contingency plan if DC starts getting overwrought throughout the day? I’d be wanting a bail out clause so that if it becomes too much for the baby you can head straight to wherever you’re having dinner or home and catch up with the rest another day.

Also he can’t dictate both Christmas and NYE, he has to compromise somewhere. We went to bed at 9pm on NYE when DS was 4 months old, no way was I going to voluntarily miss out on more sleep!

We had everyone over on Christmas Eve for a buffet lunch so we had the day to ourselves. We’ve done this ever since. DS is 5 now and we do all the visiting in the run up or sometimes Boxing Day but Christmas Day is ours. TBH DS gets so wound up if we go on lots of visits in a day. He’s very sweet and polite but he can get a bit cheeky after hours of getting his every hearts desire by doting family.

Next year you’ll be navigating the precious nap times and if you’re very unlucky you’ll end up with one that will only sleep in their own bed! DS would stay awake if we kept him out, no amount of car rides or pushing in the pushchair would lull him off. It had to be his cot 🙄. Grumpy toddler visits might lower the number of houses you have to visit the next year 😂!

6 houses is bonkers! I hate having Christmas with just the 4 of us though - we've only done it once and it was a massive anticlimax tbh. I've always spent Christmas with extended family, hosting or staying for at least 3 days. That often means a long drive, but only to one house!