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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas lunch

52 replies

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:09

I'm going to try and keep this short but I just want some opinions please.

My mum can be quite awkward and controlling and this year she wanted a family Christmas. My brother said in September he'd come home but has decided he won't come. My husband isn't overly keen on my mum so we're going to his families for lunch, if my brother was home we would have gone to my families.

My mum is really upset as now it's just her and my dad. I feel absolutely terrible as they do so much for me during the year both looking after my children but also financially. I'm asking for my husband to consider inviting them to his families for lunch but he won't. Should he be? He's said we can see them for a bit on Christmas morning.

The families do know each other and have spent Christmas together when we've hosted. Also, there will be another in law at the lunch from my SIL.

Am I wrong for feeling bad?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 09/12/2023 19:16

You are treating your mum appallingly.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 19:18

You can't ask him to invite your parents to his parents for Christmas. Go and see them on Christmas Eve or for breakfast on Christmas Day. They are not alone. They have each other.

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/12/2023 19:19

You already agreed to go to your mums. You should honour that, I'm not surprised your mum is upset that she isnt worthy unless your brother is there.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 19:19

Comedycook · 09/12/2023 19:16

You are treating your mum appallingly.

No she isn't. The prearranged plans have fallen through and OP has other plans now.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 19:19

So your dh thinks your dm is good enough to provide childcare but nothing else?

Raindancer411 · 09/12/2023 19:20

You need to remind him that your parents do a lot for you as a family and they he needs to make an effort. See them for Xmas Eve or Xmas morning but don't not see them.

LaurieStrode · 09/12/2023 19:20

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 19:19

So your dh thinks your dm is good enough to provide childcare but nothing else?

This.

Why can't you host both families?

Itsbeginningtolookalotlike · 09/12/2023 19:21

I think if you said you'd go to your mum's then you should. The fact your brother had dropped out isn't relevant.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 19:21

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/12/2023 19:19

You already agreed to go to your mums. You should honour that, I'm not surprised your mum is upset that she isnt worthy unless your brother is there.

Agree with this. Where did you spend the last few Christmases? Either way, the arrangement with your mum came first.

mynameiscalypso · 09/12/2023 19:22

It sounds like you agreed to go to your family but now your brother isn't coming, you've changed your plans to go to DH's family. That's pretty shit.

jammysocks · 09/12/2023 19:22

Well
1.you could ask your in laws.

  1. Split the day
  2. You host everyone

I think it's crazy how we choose between families. Why can't you all be together?

And i echo what pp said. Dh is ok for the to be child care and help financially but won't see them on a holiday. I think your dh is mean

Comedycook · 09/12/2023 19:22

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 19:19

No she isn't. The prearranged plans have fallen through and OP has other plans now.

Show quote history

She provides childcare and helps them out financially. And now because the ops dh doesn't like her and the ops brother won't be there, she cannot have Christmas lunch with them. She should be invited to the in laws. It's only two extra people.

Original poster
darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:25

I never agreed to go to my mums, so in that sense I haven't gone back on plans.

I want both families to be together, I might suggest hosting at mine for the third year.

I get they have each other but its just not the same. Christmas is about family, which is why I'm upset.

I was seeking opinions to see if I'm being ridiculous or not. I don't need to be slated.

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 19:27

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:25

I never agreed to go to my mums, so in that sense I haven't gone back on plans.

I want both families to be together, I might suggest hosting at mine for the third year.

I get they have each other but its just not the same. Christmas is about family, which is why I'm upset.

I was seeking opinions to see if I'm being ridiculous or not. I don't need to be slated.

You say they look after "my" children, are these joint children with your DH?

What was the arrangement last year?

Why don't they get on?

Rachaelrachael · 09/12/2023 19:29

I would be pretty upset if I was your mum to be honest. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth after everything she's done to help out.
For what it's worth I don't get any help at all from my parents, but always make sure they have an invite for Christmas, because they're my parents.

Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 19:30

@darlingsweetpea why don't you host them all?

Original poster
darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:31

@Behindyouiam I have had one day a week of childcare for 3 years.

I think I'm going to go there and maybe take 1 child as he is little as I just can't bring myself to leave my mum.

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 19:33

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:31

@Behindyouiam I have had one day a week of childcare for 3 years.

I think I'm going to go there and maybe take 1 child as he is little as I just can't bring myself to leave my mum.

So they're joint children?

What's your DHs issue?

They're hands on GPs, who are good enough to look after his children?

Original poster
darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:35

They are joint children. He just doesn't like her, they're not best buddies but I feel you can't take take take and then at the one time of year where its family you say f off but he doesn't agree. He's of the mindset you reep what you sow.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 09/12/2023 19:35

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 19:18

You can't ask him to invite your parents to his parents for Christmas. Go and see them on Christmas Eve or for breakfast on Christmas Day. They are not alone. They have each other.

But they won’t have a special Christmas Day, just the two of them like every other day of the year. And they’ve left it too late for the parents to be able to book themselves anything special. As someone who feels Christmas is for giving and considering others, I think on the information given DB and DH have behaved badly.

Icepinkeskimo · 09/12/2023 19:36

Go to your mums Christmas Day, don’t let this be a case of doing what your husband gets what he wants.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/12/2023 19:37

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:31

@Behindyouiam I have had one day a week of childcare for 3 years.

I think I'm going to go there and maybe take 1 child as he is little as I just can't bring myself to leave my mum.

I think that would be a lovely and kind thing to do. I hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:39

I'm absolutely sobbing, maybe dramatic but I thank everyone for their opinions and validating how I feel.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 19:40

Where did you go for Christmas last year?

Can you not do Christmas Day with one family and all Boxing Day with the other? I don’t think asking your husbands parents to host your parents would be acceptable, unless they offered.

Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 19:41

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:35

They are joint children. He just doesn't like her, they're not best buddies but I feel you can't take take take and then at the one time of year where its family you say f off but he doesn't agree. He's of the mindset you reep what you sow.

But he is still happy to take their child minding and money.....

No morals at all! If he feels that strongly, he needs to provide more for his family.

Go to your mums, or invite them to yours.