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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas lunch

52 replies

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:09

I'm going to try and keep this short but I just want some opinions please.

My mum can be quite awkward and controlling and this year she wanted a family Christmas. My brother said in September he'd come home but has decided he won't come. My husband isn't overly keen on my mum so we're going to his families for lunch, if my brother was home we would have gone to my families.

My mum is really upset as now it's just her and my dad. I feel absolutely terrible as they do so much for me during the year both looking after my children but also financially. I'm asking for my husband to consider inviting them to his families for lunch but he won't. Should he be? He's said we can see them for a bit on Christmas morning.

The families do know each other and have spent Christmas together when we've hosted. Also, there will be another in law at the lunch from my SIL.

Am I wrong for feeling bad?

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 09/12/2023 19:41

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:35

They are joint children. He just doesn't like her, they're not best buddies but I feel you can't take take take and then at the one time of year where its family you say f off but he doesn't agree. He's of the mindset you reep what you sow.

If that's his mindset then perhaps he might want to reflect on the consequences of your mother not providing childcare....

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2023 19:43

He is of the mindset that you reap what you sow? So he is going to be let down by your mum next year then? It seems a weird mindset towards someone who saves you £££ a month in childcare. And if he doesn't like her, why is he happy leaving his child with someone he hates and even their own daughter describes as awkward and controlling?

stepintochristmas1 · 09/12/2023 19:43

This is quite galling really you describe your Mother as 'awkward and controlling' , your husband doesn't like her . But you take money and free childcare from her 🙄. Come Christmas you're off to the other family .

ttcat37 · 09/12/2023 19:46

Waiting for the drip feed as to why husband doesn’t like your mum

BreadInCaptivity · 09/12/2023 19:46

How exactly is your mother awkward and controlling?

I'm asking because given what you've posted I'd level those descriptions at your husband and not your mother....

YoureALizardHarry11 · 09/12/2023 19:47

To me, it all depends why your DH doesn’t like your DM really as to whether you’re unreasonable, because from the limited information you’ve provided, your DH isn’t coming across very well refusing to spend Christmas with her but happy to accept her financial help and childcare.

Mirabai · 09/12/2023 19:55

You reap what you sow applies to your DH too. He won’t consider your mum’s support at Christmas but you can. It wouldn’t matter so much if DB were seeing her at Christmas but in this case I’d make sure I saw her.

Goldbar · 09/12/2023 20:20

Your husband sounds like the awkward one. I'd take the kids to your mum's house and let him please himself. Might turn out to be the less, the merrier.

UsingChangeofName · 09/12/2023 20:23

BreadInCaptivity · 09/12/2023 19:46

How exactly is your mother awkward and controlling?

I'm asking because given what you've posted I'd level those descriptions at your husband and not your mother....

This is what I was thinking.

It is difficult for us to know what to think here. You start off saying she is awkward and controlling, but the only information you have given us is that she has provided 3 years of childcare for you, and invited you and your brother for Christmas dinner.

Your dh OTOH........

But no, you can't demand someone else invites your parents to their house.

You also implied that you were going to your Mum's and then pulled out when your brother did. I know later you said you hadn't promised to go, but I wonder what impression you had given ?

caringcarer · 09/12/2023 20:27

Itsbeginningtolookalotlike · 09/12/2023 19:21

I think if you said you'd go to your mum's then you should. The fact your brother had dropped out isn't relevant.

Your Mum has been good to you but you'd rather please your DH and after accepting the invitation you now have blown your parents off to go to in laws. Whether or not your brother goes is irrelevant.

Beaverbridge · 09/12/2023 20:36

He likes her enough to watch his children. I'd leave him to go to his mums and you go to yours.

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 20:36

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:35

They are joint children. He just doesn't like her, they're not best buddies but I feel you can't take take take and then at the one time of year where its family you say f off but he doesn't agree. He's of the mindset you reep what you sow.

Surely DM should be reaping the benefits of the childcare and money she’s provided all year?

I would tell DH you’r taking both kids to your mum’s, he can go to his parents.

Alwaystired2023 · 09/12/2023 20:38

I think factoring in the free childcare and financial help really you / DH should make an effort to include your mum in Christmas in whatever way possible that keeps everyone happy

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 09/12/2023 20:40

darlingsweetpea · 09/12/2023 19:35

They are joint children. He just doesn't like her, they're not best buddies but I feel you can't take take take and then at the one time of year where its family you say f off but he doesn't agree. He's of the mindset you reep what you sow.

I hope he does.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/12/2023 20:45

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 19:19

No she isn't. The prearranged plans have fallen through and OP has other plans now.

Show quote history

She is. The plans have “fallen through” because OP and her husband and brother have pulled out. No urgent reason, they just changed their minds. A rotten thing to do to anyone, but especially your parents at Christmas.

Azandme · 09/12/2023 20:46

I'd point out to Mr "Reap what you sow" that he is sowing the seeds of losing free childcare and financial help...

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 09/12/2023 20:47

they do so much for me during the year both looking after my children but also financially

Sounds like they do so much for both you and your husband.

It does seem a bit shitty that they've been ditched.

Krabappel · 09/12/2023 20:49

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 19:19

So your dh thinks your dm is good enough to provide childcare but nothing else?

This question should be directed to op not her DH.

How can you blame DH for not liking mil? And if he didn't allow the children to see their grandmother that would be controlling

He can see hid family, the issue is why op is not seeing her own mother!

greencheetah · 09/12/2023 20:49

I think you should go to your mums with your DC and let DH go to his family.

silvertoil · 09/12/2023 21:06

Spend Xmas morning with your mum and dad? And then host them Boxing Day and do it as a full Xmas day?

SgtJuneAckland · 09/12/2023 21:11

Nursery used to cost us £75 a day, say you have six weeks annual leave a year when your mum didn't provide childcare, she's saved you over £10k AND they help you financially. YABVVU. Your husband is an arsehole. You might not have said yes we will be there Christmas day at 2 but you'd agreed to a family Christmas in principle, that's why your brother was asked.

If he doesn't like her that much and maybe with good reason he needs to stop taking so much if her time and money.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/12/2023 21:12

It's not your Mum that sounds controlling to me.

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 21:15

Does your husband make all of the important decisions in your relationship? Is he ever willing to find a compromise? He sounds like a bellend to be honest.

35965a · 09/12/2023 21:18

It’s fine to dislike relatives but it absolutely isn’t fine to use those relatives when it suits you. He can’t have it both ways. She saves you a lot of money and presumably is a good grandma. Your suggestions of hosting again or you just going to your mums seems like the right choice.

Mrsjayy · 09/12/2023 21:18

your mum looks after you and your husbands children and does a lot for you to facilitate you and your husbands life but he doesn't like her so you are trotting off to your inlaws ! pfft I'd be having a word with myself your poor parents!