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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull my mum up in front of extended family?

42 replies

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 17:32

My mum has form for constantly offering unsolicited opinions on my life choices.

Was round at her house this afternoon along with several other relatives, about fifteen of us in total.

She took it upon herself to announce that I am shortly returning to work after mat leave - my daughter will be six months old. We need the money - I earn more than my husband, so he will be taking a turn looking after her.

I find it odd that she thinks to discuss 'my' news with others while I am actually there... but then she turned to me and said 'I don't know how you can bear to do it, you'll miss all those milestones'.

DH and I have discussed this and come to the decision that this is best for our family... we also have older children. Would I like to stay off longer? Probably. But she'll be with DH and that'll be good too.

I've had enough of her doing this sort of stuff and I finally said 'thank you mum, for publicly stating your opinion on my life choices', and then swiftly changed the subject... to be honest I was quite abrupt but I am just tired of it. I felt really undermined and put on the spot.

She's now pissed off with me for 'embarrassing her'.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Primproperpenny · 09/12/2023 17:33

She embarrassed herself!

BettyPhuckzer · 09/12/2023 17:36

If she does this a lot and this is the first time you've stuck up for yourself, it's probably a shock for her. Keep being true to yourself and she'll get used to it

HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/12/2023 17:36

No. Not at all. Tell her you'll be bringing your kids up to be non judgemental and to accept that sometimes in life, we have to make harder choices.
It's a really low thing to say actually to a mum- did she say it when your dH went back to work a week or so after you'd given birth?
Though not.
Take care and don't let her get to you

Original poster

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 17:39

BettyPhuckzer · 09/12/2023 17:36

If she does this a lot and this is the first time you've stuck up for yourself, it's probably a shock for her. Keep being true to yourself and she'll get used to it

Thanks. I have tried saying to her privately before- several times, actually- but this was the first time I have done it at a dinner table in front of others. It's just exhausting.

OP posts:

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 17:41

All your relatives will be observing how many opinions she has and how freely she shares them, so I don't think you need to do anything.

My mother still thinks she is my line manager, it's exasperating I know

Shouldbedoing · 09/12/2023 17:41

Good for you. Keep calling her out!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 17:42

YANBU. If she chooses to find fault with you in front of your wider family, it is only fair that you are allowed to respond in front of them too.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/12/2023 17:43

YANBU (and well done). She wanted to embarrass you and it backfired. How often are you her whipping girl to make her feel good at your expense?

CaineRaine · 09/12/2023 17:43

Good for you OP!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 17:44

I suppose it is possible that she meant It sympathetically and feels you wrongly took it as a criticism? However it was never going to land well and she needs to think more before speaking (I say that as someone who also needs to think more before speaking).

TheWizardHowl · 09/12/2023 17:44

This is exactly the sort of thing my mother would say/do. If I responded by defending myself she'd say I was being oversensitive/can't take a joke/"Am I not allowed to express an opinion?". We're no contact now, which she's baffled by.

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 17:45

If she says she felt embarrassed, explain all she has to do in future is be more polite and you won't have to call her out again.

theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 17:47

No. It’s the only way she’ll learn.

Leave her to sulk. Don’t go running after her.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 17:48

You do not miss milestones when you not with child 24 /7 .
The first time they walk or recite the alphabet with you watching will be you seeing the milestone . You will hooray or whatever you plan to do. You will not miss anything.
Neither you nor they will suffer if granny or daddy or childminder sees or hears it before you.

Original poster

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 17:49

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 17:48

Edited

THANK YOU for saying this. You are absolutely right, but I hadn't thought of it quite like that.

OP posts:

startquitting · 09/12/2023 18:07

I’m a nursery teacher, and have witnessed those milestones often during the years. First step etc. Not once have I thought that the parents have missed them just because my colleagues and I happened to see them first. They are still milestones for the parents the first time they get to watch it.

You need to tell your mum never to behave like that again because it’s not ok, just because she is your mum.

VanityDiesHard · 09/12/2023 18:08

Call her out. Each and every time. Until she stops.

Newestname002 · 09/12/2023 18:11

Primproperpenny · 09/12/2023 17:33

She embarrassed herself!

Yep. Perhaps if she doesn't want to be embarrassed she should keep her unasked for opinions to herself. You and your partner had already discussed and agreed on what's best for your family so can just accept you know what you're doing and stop interfering. 🌹

justasking111 · 09/12/2023 18:12

I was a SAHM I missed my eldests first steps when I was out for half an hour. Little imp didn't do it again for a few weeks. MY DIL missed her sons first steps because I was looking after him.

Life happens.

PerspiringElizabeth · 09/12/2023 18:14

Well if she didn’t want to be embarrassed she shouldn’t have said something embarrassing 🤷🏻‍♀️

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:16

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 17:49

THANK YOU for saying this. You are absolutely right, but I hadn't thought of it quite like that.

Show quote history

I completely agree with this poster.

I went back to work full-time when my babies were 5 months, 7 months and 10 months old respectively. I might not have seen the very first time they did something - does it matter? Not one fuck! They are all adults and I don't remember who did what and when any more - except that #1 and #3 walked at 13 months and #2 was 15 months, and they all cut their first tooth at 5 months.

When all is said and done, none of it actually matters.

Call your mother out on all your firsts and see how much she actually remembers!!

BlueGrey1 · 09/12/2023 18:27

My mother does stuff like this too and thinks nothing is wrong with it, I think because she gave birth to me I’m her possession and she has a right to speak about me like this, I think a lot of women think their children are their posessions

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 18:55

I agree, my mother is one of these types. Many years ago at my aunt's house my mum said to my cousin "chanel was wondering when you and Emma are getting married". I said "no I wasn't". Then she said "yes you were, you said so in the car". I was very confused, I said "no I didn't".
My mother was so angry with me. I remember that was the first time I saw really clearly that she could be angry with me for her bad behaviour.

. We aren't close because she doesn't grasp that I'm a separate human being.

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 18:57

Not that asking if a young adult is going to marry his girlfriend is so bad but her insouciance making me look like I was nosy about it!!

startquitting · 09/12/2023 19:20

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 18:57

Not that asking if a young adult is going to marry his girlfriend is so bad but her insouciance making me look like I was nosy about it!!

It’s was a really shitty thing to do to you. Not nice.

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